Young Writers Society

Hello Arthy!
I m Kostia and I will give you a review for your poem.

First of all I think it's obvious that this is a love poem, a very sweet one in fact. I enjoyed reading it.

Now to the technical stuff. I noticed your poem did not rhyme which is okay. However the fact that it doesn't rhyme doesn't mean it shouldn't contain stanzas. It's a quite big poem and I would highly recommend to divide it into stanzas so it is easier and more enjoyable to read.

A few more recommendations I have for you that I believe would make your poem better:
In the following verses which were also some of my favorite in your poem

How weird it is,

To see the me that was so broken before,

Smiling to you, like I have never been shattered.

How lovely it is,

To know that somewhere in the future,

The broken child that I was in the past,

Met this beautiful goddess of a love.

I love the element of repetition I think it fits very smoothly to the rest of the poem. However if I was you I would make it a bit more brief and I would may alter the wording a little bit. For instance instead of saying "How weird it is" and "How lovely it is" I would say "How peculiar" and "How lovely" it sounds better to me. Moreover "goddess of a love" I think you should remove the "a" it seemed weird to me I think that "goddess of love" would sound better although that's only my opinion and you don't have to follow my suggestions.

Moreover the last verse could be divided into two verses since I found it to be very long in comparison to the rest.
So instead of:
"I wager my trust on you who I love too deeply to be saved."
You could have it like that
"I wager my trust on you
who I love too deeply to be saved."

Again that's only my opinion and I m pretty sure that when you make the stanzas the poem will be entirely different (in a good way). However I liked the way you closed your poem.

In general your poem uses very simple wording and there are a few things you need to work on the structure in order to make it better. It is heartfelt and honest and as I previously said very sweet.

Keep it up!

Hey there Arthur! I enjoyed reading your poem. I think it conveyed the feeling well. It made me feel peaceful and it gave me a sense of dazed happiness. After reading Aley's comment, I read the poem without the commas and read it as it naturally came to me, and it read much better when it was read naturally. Reading it out loud might be able to help you put punctuation where it fits. I also like that you made the reader curious about who the speaker is in love with, with "my life story told me to stay away from you". That made me wonder who this person is and why the two people supposedly "shouldn't" love each other. Overall I liked your poem. The feeling and the first 5 lines are what stood out to me. The first 5 lines stood out as particularly beautiful .

Nice job. I think if you keep workimg on this it could have that extra special touch. Have a fun day/night!

Hey Arthy,

I'm Aley and I thought I'd just stop by to say Welcome! We're really glad to have you here on YWS and if you haven't gotten a moment yet, please go introduce yourself! We'd love to know more about you. But onto the reviewing stuff. First off, I'd like to explain.

Here on YWS we have a Critiquing Sandwich which helps keep all of our reviews well rounded and lengthy enough to help. I'll be reviewing your poem with that style so that you can get a feel for it and I'll be labeling what I'm doing where. Usually we don't put in the headers I'll be using. Usually it's just talking to the author about their poem. That being said, here's the guide I'll be using to show you the Critiquing Sandwich. The YWS Critique Sandwich

Top Bun: What I liked.

I really loved the voice you have in this poem. After the second act, basically, you really seemed to open up the speaker and that made it a very honest feeling poem, which is perfect! I think that it was the line "I am scared" which actually turned the poem around for me. Before that point it seemed like a lot of gushing about the person, but after that point, it showed the duality of the feelings and created more of a person. After all, we wouldn't know what relief was without pain to be relieved from.

Meat: What needs improvement.

You really need to work on the commas. Honestly, that's the biggest thing holding this poem back. Stop stopping DX. There are so many beautiful lines and phrases in here, but you're cutting them short with commas. When you're reading poetry you read through the line and into the next one until there is a comma. There's no need to have this many commas. Actually, there's really no need for any punctuation at all, but we like it because it helps us read along. I would strongly STRONGLY suggest you take out a good 90% of the commas in this poem. You could get away with taking out all of them, but I think you might feel like the poem is nude if you did that since it is so heavily laid with them. At the very least, get rid of all of the commas that wouldn't make sense if this was a paragraph. In fact, I can show you that.