Published July 20, 2008
In this part of the city, if you stood still, there was no sign of life. The people had punched out from work and returned to their houses. The animals....had punched out from work and returned to their houses.
And nothing moved. I could be the only person in the entire world.
Look up at the stars and I’m gone.
And maybe there were people inside the concrete boxes that surrounded me, maybe there were people on the other side of the world, experiencing beautiful sunrises and heart-breaking sunsets simultaneously. Maybe life flourished all around me, maybe it was me and my ungrateful mind that didn’t want to see it. Maybe I was lucky to be in amongst this gathering of life.
But probably I wasn’t.
For half an hour I walked as the only man to have ever walked. I breathed air that no one else had. For half an hour, I was life.
But then I experienced, in less than a second, the destruction of a world, the intrusion and interruption of perfection; the power of mankind.
Two men stepped from the shadows, or should I say, stepped into the light. The shadows are everywhere in the city, in city life.
As they beat me into submission I fell. But I had not been corrected, this city held the living, but it did not hold life.
The leather chair smelt of... leather. And the flowers... didn’t smell. Not from this far. My psychologist wore a shirt, a plain shirt with a blue tie.
No, a green one. He held a clipboard with important information attached to it. Or was it just old games of tic-tac-toe, doodles to pass the time of my insufferable confessions.
The truth was; I didn’t know. The liberating truth was; I didn’t need to know.
But still, I hated myself for trying to retell the details in Stephen-king-novel intricacy.
I hate that my mind is running like a book, like their books.
I hated myself for not realising earlier that the smell of the flowers doesn’t matter.
Least of all, I hate that I don’t remember the colour of his tie.
“So, Marty. After the mugging, how did you feel?” asked my psychologist, I could tell you that his glasses shook, as he spoke, barely staying on his nose. But I would be lying, you wouldn’t read it and it wouldn’t matter. For what you need to know, for what I want you to know, his glasses do not exist. Neither does the chair or the flowers or the room.
But you can choose.
“How did I feel? I felt... can I smoke in here?” I pulled a cigarette from my pocket.
“You can do what you like in this room, Marty. Yes, you can smoke”
I put the cigarette back into my pocket.
“I felt like... a flower.”
“A flower?”
“No, a leather chair” the words hung in the room, figuratively, of course.
“How did you feel like a leather chair?”
“Does a leather chair hold much meaning?”
“It could, Marty. It could mean a lot.”
“Have you ever wanted to be hurt?”
“Why do you say that?”
The room was small, blue, black , large, red, quiet, yellow, loud. And I liked it that way, it had never been like this before.
I walked out of the room walking steadily, shakily, heavily, lightly towards the door.
“Marty, you still have half an hour.”
An hour. A year. A minute.
When I was outside I met a woman. Just outside. Only a woman.
Just and only, nothing had been just and only before.
“We’re outside” I said
“And I’m Sophie” she said
And that was true. She wasn’t Mary and she wasn’t Jane.
She was Sophie.
She was life.
Note from the Author:
The paragraphs are incorrect, I know. I have started a new line when I didn't need to quite alot.
I could change it but that would go against the entire concept of the story.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,636 Literary Works • 673,573 Reviews
by the way, ignore negative reviews with broad, overreaching statements and no personal detail. you're a really good writer, and when you get older (or perhaps even now) you'll learn that you don't need to listen to other people when you write. and you don't need to learn from them.
you've just got the voice and the obvious talent.
What a fantastically post-modern story. This might be one of the best pieces I've ever read on this website. It's so amazing because I understand what he means when he says he feels like a flower, like a leather chair. Especially I understand when he asks about hurt, implying he would like to be. I love the phrase, "Least of all," as opposed to the more often used "Most of all."
this story is brilliant and conceptual and I dont care of your paragraphs don't work or if the sentence isn't always perfectly grammatical. Cause it was something like poetry, or convincing people that because you don't give a shit, you should bother yourself to give a shit.
I love how you string your audience along in the first paragraphs, with the always clever trick, "Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe," and then like a slap in the face, "Probably." Because by probably you meant "Actually," and sometimes actuality is harsh.
this had a sci-fi feel to it, actually. ^^, so I don't know if you meant for it to be set in our time or not. And I loved the "concrete boxes" and the narcissism of "I am the only life, I am life," or whatever.
The real kicker, "this city held the living, but it did not hold life."
are you some sort of short prodigy genius boy? oh well. I don't really care. it was a good read.
Haha, in some add way I deeply enjoyed your
elusive writing, the concept of whatever you meant
to get through to your reader evaded me but
somehow I think that was the point you were
trying to make. I thoroughly liked it. A little rough
around the phrasing and grammar but still a
great read for me. Reminds me of Palanuk. I
think that's how you spell it :] (Author of Fight
Club, Survivor, Monster etc.)
All I can say is this was sweet! I really liked the paragraph formation actually. I thought it made the reader a little uncomfortable, it really exhibited the emotions of the character, like he was uncomfortable writing it down. Maybe I'm just looking too far into it, but it's what I think.
I thought it was really good, and I can't wait to read more from you.
~Dommy
Good start, but you might want to rephrase that first sentence just slightly. "If you stood still in this part of the city, there was still no sign of life." Something like that.
Beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous.
This seems so anticlimactic to me. Can you describe the beating a little more? If they were beating him into submission, he didn't just fall - he bruised, he bled, he clenched his teeth to keep from screaming, he cried...
Question mark after the last sentence.
"The truth was, I didn't know. The liberating truth was, I didn't need to know." Commas instead of semicolons; otherwise I absolutely love those two sentences.
The first three sentences make no sense to me; the last one is excellent, tying up his confusion about the colors, bringing that idea full circle. But I'm very confused about "their books" and the idea that he's retelling everything but this is told in present tense. I'm so confused that none of that even made sense...
"I could tell you that his glasses shook as he spoke, barely staying on his nose." Nix that comma. "But I would be lying. You wouldn't read it and it wouldn't matter." Just some grammatical errors there, no biggie.
Period at the end of the sentence.
"And I liked it that way. It had never been like this before."
Nice. I love those adverbs - which is saying something, for me.
Very nice piece. A few grammatical errors and run-ons, but you can fix those easily. It feels a little disjointed, a little confused, but it works for this story. Very well done. :D I'm only critical about the stuff I really like, if all my comments discouraged you. :)
~Sunny
Thankyou for commenting!!
I think I did address the men that walked from the shadows??
It says; two men stepped from the shadows, or should I say, stepped into the light.
The bit about choosing was kind of like a jab at the reader from the main character.
It's like "it doesn't matter to me anymore, but I know you still care, so if you want you can choose"
It shows that nothing matters to him, but that everything still need to be structured properly for us, the un-enlightened ones.
And yeah, repetition is a problem I have. Do you have any ideas on how I can avoid it?
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
The paragraphs went against the concept of the story because the concept was that nothing really matters, at least nothing we ever devote attention to in today's society.
The concept is that grammar in a story that you're posting onto a website for young writers REALLY doesn't matter, especially when you can compare it to nearly being killed by the strangers that beat him in the streets.
The Sophie thing was weird, you're right.
I guess what I was trying to say is that in a world where nothing matters only one thing is relevent, only one thing static and can actually carry meaning; that thing is humans, the human soul.
This did not occur to him when he met the pyshcologist because he was to much like the world he used to see, he was just another faceless robot that worked for an institution.
I don't know if any of that actually answered your question but thanks again for reviewing my story.
i thought this was a cool concept, and the incorrect paragraphs addd to the voice of the character.
The only thing is that certain parts were a little repetitive or contradictory, but that might just be how the character thinks, and that's fine, but it felt a little confusing to read.
i felt like there could have been something leading up to this part, because it felt a little out of place. he was talking about the shadows and all of a sudden he was on the ground. maybe he could talk about them approching him, or something.
i liked this part.
i don't get how that was the reader's choice really tho.
overall, cool concept and except for a couple confusing bits, i really liked it. good job.
this was a nice thought, but wasn't expressed very well.
other than a few punctuation and grammar errors, i didn't find any major mechanical errors except for a couple tense changes and the paragraphs.
how, exactly, did paragraphs go against the concept of the story?
all it said to me was that you were too lazy to do it correctly, no offense, and it made it harder to read and annoying.
plus, the sophie thing.
how did he know that she was "life" and all after what seemed like just having met her?
all in all, this could have been better.
good concept, bland writing.
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