z

Young Writers Society



The New Generation--Chapter 4: Something's Wrong...

by erilea


     "--and so then, my dad was just like, 'I'll do it!' And he rushed off to save the day!" Festus bragged. "So he was all like, BOOM! and exploded Gaea. Right in the face! Then he died. And then his super-awesome dragon (which I, of course, was named after) brought him back to life, and he got my mom here, to camp."

     The four other children were all listening, in awe, except Leia. She was sitting a little bit farther back, away from the others, thinking about Thea. She would have to ask her parents, but right now they were doing something with Uncle Jason. 

     "Leia? You wanna tell a story about your mom and dad?" A voice interrupted her thoughts. Festus was grinning at her, having finished his story. Leia smiled, ready to turn away the offer and go find her mom and dad, but Silena wouldn't let up.

     "Come on, Leia! You've got to! I know you won't exaggerate some of your details... Like some people do." she muttered, elbowing Festus. He gave a yelp of pain and crawled away from her.

     "Well... My dad, you know, he didn't tell me I was a daughter of two demigods until just a few days ago, and he never had time to tell me about all his adventures..." Leia trailed off, a bit envious. The other four kids sat in silence, staring awkwardly around the room but deliberately avoiding her eyes. Biting her lip, Leia stood up and scurried to the door, hoping her face wasn't as red as it felt.

     "Same here."

     She stopped and wheeled around, looking to see who had spoken. Bianca had stood up, and was facing her. "Children of Hades weren't liked back then, because everyone assumed they took after their father in his... Crude ways. And my dad, Nico, he doesn't like to talk about his past."

     Leia didn't know what to say to that. Bianca's brown eyes were filled with bitterness, and Leia guessed that the granddaughter of Hades had experienced the same kind of shunning, where she lived. Leia slowly walked back the circle of children and sat down uneasily. Bianca dropped to the ground and crossed her legs, but no one wanted to talk anymore. Not a word was said as first, Festus turned to leave, then Silena followed after him. One by one they all hurried out of the Big House, as if bad memories were chasing them.

     Leia caught up to Bianca as she was heading towards the Hades cabin. "Thanks, you know... For speaking up like that."

     For a moment, Bianca remained silent. Then she suddenly stopped and turned towards Leia. "Well, my dad... He said that trying to shut himself off from the others didn't help him. And you're my... Friend, I guess." She faced forward again and loped toward the black building ahead. But Leia was determined not to let her go without a proper thanks.

     "If you ever want to hang out sometime, I'm open... Unless, well, I'm not doing anything." she mumbled, glancing around. Bianca turned and gave a half-smile, then opened the door and closed it softly behind her.

     Leia stood there for a few seconds, staring in confusion at the Hades cabin. Then she shrugged. Sure, Bianca was kind of weird, but was there anything here that wasn't? 

     Before she jogged back to her dad's cabin she looked at the silvery building, on the other side of the square-shape the cabins made. Her mom's cabin had to be open to her, too. Besides, she was curious.

    When she reached it, she had a closer inspection. A large owl hung above the door, with glittering black eyes. They seemed to follow her as she cautiously stepped inside. Her eyes landed on the inside and she stopped in awe. A computerized SMART board was installed on the back wall, with a couple of kids writing complicated-looking diagrams on it. A row of bunk beds were pushed against a wall, as if that wasn't one of their priorities. Large desks were lined up against the other wall, with about four children scribbling and drawing on blueprints. Beside the desks was a giant bookcase, overflowing with papers and thick, worn books. All over the room and in their beds, Athena's spawn pored over the pages in various positions. To sum it up, it was a busy cabin.

     However, they all looked up from what they were doing when Leia came in. Some smiled and waved, some stared at her for a few moments as if analyzing her before losing interest and returning to their activity. In the corner of the cabin Leia's mother sat gazing at the SMART board and occasionally writing some notes in a small notebook.

     "How are you, Leia?" she called. Smiling, Leia walked over to where her mother was sitting and took a chair next to her.

     "I'm fine... But mom, I need to tell you something."

     Leia's mother's expression darkened as she closed her notebook. "What is it?"

     "You know my cousin, right? Thea? Well, earlier today, she spouted some type of poem, talking about 'vanquished foes' and some... Other things."

     Her mother bit her lip, and looked like she was trying to hold back a scream. "Why so early? Why does it always do this?" Leia stood patiently, but also worrying. What was her mother talking about?

     "Leia, I'm going to tell your father." Her mother decided, standing up. That was a sure sign something was wrong. "Let's go."


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Mon Oct 05, 2015 10:29 pm
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Europa wrote a review...



Hey! TheFantasy14 here!
Better late than never, right?...
Anyway, review.
I liked this one a lot. Bianca's character interests me, just be carefull and try not to make her too much like her dad (I'm a totally huge Nico fangirl, so it's not that I don't like him. Just, having too characters that are so much alike in personality and background messes with the diversity of your characters.)
Also, what about Rachel Elizabeth Dare? Isn't she the oracle who gives the prophecies? Maybe try adding her or her offspring in. Not telling you what to do, just a suggestion. All in all, theres not much critique to be made to this chapter. Really good job!
Loves!
-Fanty




erilea says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Sep 27, 2015 12:30 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



"--and so then, my dad was just like, 'I'll do it!' And he rushed off to save the day!" Festus bragged. "So he was all like, BOOM! and exploded Gaea. Right in the face! Then he died. And then his super-awesome dragon (which I, of course, was named after) brought him back to life, and he got my mom here, to camp."
This is probably my most favourite bit of speech in all of your chapters of both your Percy Jackson fanfics. Festus is so much like Leo and he's so cute! I love how you mentioned what happened after the fight, with Leo bringing Calypso to camp.

Sure, Bianca was kind of weird, but was there anything here that wasn't?
Well put. :P The mateship between all the demigods really comes through in their conversations and actions. I look forward to seeing a friendship (I hope it's a friendship) develop between Bianca and Leia. That's all I've got to say, it's a great chapter with no errors! Happy Review Day. :)




erilea says...


Thanks! I loved the idea of this story!



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Sat Sep 26, 2015 1:54 pm
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Yes, yes. I know. I'm a jerk for reviewing this so late and I don't blame you if you hate me now but the important thing is, I'm reviewing this now. So, let's get started.

Anyway, I just caught myself up with your story and let me just say, I cannot wait for the next chapter!

Although something that does confuse me is. Why did Nico marry a girl? He's gay, remember? I'm not sure if you've got an explanation for this but it'd definitely clear it up.

Plot

Spoiler! :
So, we still don't know what the actual plot is, but you're obviously getting there, with the next chapter explaining what that whole Thea thing was about. Personally it sounded like a prophecy. I mean, come on. How could it not be prophecy. I mean, it doesn't have to, but it just sounds like one.


Characters
Spoiler! :
I love the characters. That had to be said. You portray Leo's bragging ways very well in Festus.

Although, we haven't really seen much of Leia's personality. We haven't seen her genius (being a granddaughter of Athena) but we have seen her being able to communicate with horses so that's a plus. She is coming off as an inquisitive and thoughtful girl though so...

Bianca seems to reflect how Nico acts quite well, although I'm still skeptical about Melody. I'm also questioning why Bianca's family would've lived in a harsh environment. Nico would be allowed to stay at Camp Half-Blood. But since this isn't about him, we won't really find out. Unless Bianca decides to share her story.


Setting
Spoiler! :
The setting is brilliantly described. I really liked how you depicted the Athena cabin.
Although this line could be rephrased:
and she stopped in awe.

Well, just replace "stopped" with "stared". It sounds better.


And that's it.
And to make sure I review your chapters on time, tag me when the come out. Seriously, do it.

Happy Writing!




erilea says...


Thanks! Honestly, yes, Thea's little "poem" was a prophecy, but Leia doesn't know what the heck it is yet so...



ThePhoenix says...


:D
But seriously, when is Chapter 5 coming out?



erilea says...


Sometime, I guess... Just be patient.



ThePhoenix says...


:D
Well, I'm not known for my patience.
I'm not really known for anything.
:D



erilea says...


... Except being you, of course.



ThePhoenix says...


Of course!
:D



erilea says...


Haha. I might update tomorrow, or maybe today. If I want to, that is.



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Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:42 am
Chaser wrote a review...



Since this has no reviews, I thought it courteous:

And then his super-awesome dragon (which I, of course, was named after) brought him back to life, and he got my mom here, to camp.

First off, I think this would be funnier if Festus held off on explaining that it was the dragon Festus that brought him back to life. Rather, I can hear him bragging how "the great Festus brought him back to life!" before someone corrects him. It's only an opinion.

This quote is also something I want to address:
And my dad, Nico, he doesn't like to talk about his past.

You don't need to draw such direct connections with a fanfiction. If this is about the children, let it be about the children's characters, and not about "OHMYGODSTHEYHADKIDS." You can still lay a few hints around here and there (the "Uncle Jason" thing was fine), but there's really no need to tell the reader outright. The whole "children of" shtick won't hold for an entire novel. I suggest you tone it back a bit. Make it subtle, and rewarding.

Characters: Hm. You've got a good portrayal of Riordan's characters, coupled with some interesting personalities. I just wonder if Festus is going to end up as a clone of Leo, because although that'd be nice, it's not completely interesting. Bianca seems intriguing in that mysterious way.

Plot: Sound logic.

Descriptive techniques: Granted, there wasn't too much space for them here. But go ahead and unleash the zaniness with how you write. It's what drew in a lot of readers to the original series (wacky similes are a good place to start). Of course, mind that you don't upset the mood when you do it. Sometimes that's worth more than a quick chuckle.

Overall, it's a good piece. A bit slow, but that's bound to happen in the first chapters. Although, since it's Percy Jackson, I'm freaking gushing over here. I want to see how this plays out, so write the next one, please. Cheers!


-Chaser




erilea says...


Thanks for the review! I honestly am happy with my work, and I don't find much wrong with it. Yes, it probably is quite slow, but I promise you, it'll get better. At least, I'll try to make it better. :D




I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage