z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The New Generation--Chapter 1: Going to Camp

by erilea


     As her blonde hair whipped across her face, Leia Jackson jumped across a log and darted off into the trees. Footsteps pounded after her, getting closer every second. Voices chased her and screamed commands to stop, but she paid no attention as she swerved around trunks and ducked under branches.

     Leia kept running, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to last much longer. After ten minutes of this tiring chase, her breathing became short, panicked gasps and sweat dripped down her face and onto the pile of slippery leaves beneath her feet. The pursuers muttered curses, slipping and falling, but it was only a slight hinder to their speed. Soon she would be caught.

     Finally, she saw her home up ahead. Leia put on a burst of speed and continued. Her breath came in raspy wheezing and even after her moment of motivation, her speed was decreasing. 

     BAM! The door of the house banged open and Leia's father appeared in the doorway, his eyes widening when he saw what was chasing Leia. Then he set his mouth in a determined line and ran to his daughter, who had collapsed at the steps leading up to the house. He helped her up, stood in front of her, and held up a ballpoint pen. As he uncapped it, the pen sprang into full form and soon, he was holding a gleaming bronze sword.

     The two adults who were chasing her stopped a few feet away from Leia's father, as they nervously glanced at each other. Their eyes asked if it was really worth it, fighting off this angry father to get the girl. After catching their breath, they slowly backed away, which evolved into a run as they scrambled into the forest.

     Leia breathed a sigh of relief as she wearily dragged herself up the steps, into the house. Her father followed behind her. As soon as she had kicked off her worn tennis shoes, her mom came running from the living room, grey eyes worried and blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. She was pretty good-looking, which led to a lot of trouble in public.

     "Sweetie, what happened?" Her mom asked nervously as she hugged Leia, squeezing as tight as she could. Leia wanted to say Ow. Too tight, but she couldn't speak. She was busy catching her breath.

     Her father looked down at her. "Leia was being chased by a couple of goons. They ran as soon as they saw me," he said, trying to sound heroic. "I was too much for them."

     Leia managed a weak laugh and so did her mother. "More like they didn't want to waste their time on you!" Leia's mother teased. 

     Rolling his eyes, her father headed into the kitchen with his daughter and wife.

     "So...tell me everything." Her mother said. 

     Leia sighed and slumped down in her chair. "Do I have to?" she asked grumpily. 

     "Yes, you have to."

     "Okay, fine. Well, school was out and I was walking home, but these two guys were following me in this black car. I started to walk a little faster, but they still were driving behind me. So I started running. They jumped out of the car and started chasing after me. I managed to lead them toward our house...and you know the rest." Leia finished. Her mother and father looked deeply unsettled and seemed to exchange a silent conversation. As Leia waited for what seemed like an hour, she tapped her foot in annoyance. She loathed not being included.

     "Um...Leia, we have something to tell you." Her father said nervously. Turning to face her father with her intense green eyes, Leia frowned. His matching green eyes were staring at her, and they looked like pools of worry.

     "What is it?" she asked, now a little worried. If this upset her parents, then she had a right to be a tiny bit scared.

     Okay, maybe she wanted to run to her room and dive deep under the covers and never come out again. But she listened anyway.

     "You've been studying Greek gods in your class, correct?" Cut in her mother. Leia nodded and smiled a little inside; it was her favorite subject and was the only one that never put her halfway to sleep.

     "Well...they're all real." 

     Those words hit her like a bomb and she gazed at her father in disbelief. They couldn't be real. The twelve major Olympian gods had lived thousands, millions of years ago. Actually, they were just myths and had never existed! How had they managed to sneak up to the twentieth century? Leia shook her head, baffled.

     "Mom...Dad...if this is meant as a joke, I think you're going a little bit overboard!" she exclaimed. 

     But they didn't grin and shout GOTCHA! Their faces were serious.

     "Leia, it's not a joke. I wouldn't kid you about this type of stuff." said her mother sternly.

     Leia glanced toward her father, hoping he would laugh and hug her and tell her that it wasn't true. He remained as silent and serious as stone.

     "Okay, fine. I...kind of believe you." she finished.

    Her mother smiled, but it wasn't one that was pure enjoyment. Her smile looked forced. Leia's father ran a hand through his deep black hair and stood up.

     "We wouldn't...lie." he said quietly.

     Leia immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry, mom and dad. It was hard to take in." she apologized. 

     Her mother tried to laugh, but nothing came out.

     "That's how we all were," her father said bitterly. Then he straightened up and looked at her, as if waking from a dream.

     "Pack up, Leia. We're going to the Greek camp."

     


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Fri Sep 18, 2015 5:16 pm
IDEK wrote a review...



I love the Percy Jackson fandom, but this could definitely use a lot of editing. The story line is confusing and chaotic, and doesn't make much sense. Why were the men chasing her? I assume this will be explained later in the story, but where was she? Is this a small town, a big city? Did she run along a forest path or a sidewalk? What does there house look like? Does it have one story? Two? Also, if she didn't know that they were demi-gods, then why isn't she surprised by Riptide?

"Mom...Dad...if this is meant as a joke, I think you're going a little bit overboard!" she exclaimed.

Merely by saying that they were the children of Greek gods, they were going overboard? How does that work, exactly? And saying it was hard to take in, when they barely said anything? I don't really get that. With some editing though, this story could definitely be really good.




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Mon Sep 07, 2015 1:05 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Oh yes, I'm excited to read this! The Percabeth spawn... I'm interested to find out what you envision happening.

As her blonde hair whipped across her face
BLONDE HAIR! Annabeth Junior, awww.

BAM! The door of the house banged open and Leia's father appeared in the doorway,
Oh my gods, Percy to the rescue! I thought she was running towards Camp Halfblood, but this is even better.

Leia nodded and smiled a little inside; it was her favorite subject and was the only one that never put her halfway to sleep.
That's our girl. :) You've made her just what I imagined a Percabeth baby to be.

From the way Annabeth hugged her daughter just a little too tight, to the way Leia considered Percy to be the clown of the family, you wrote the characters perfectly! But what would you expect from another demigod? ;) Seriously, this story is going to be awesome. Could you maybe tag in a comment once you've published each chapter, please?




erilea says...


Okay, thank you.



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Thu Sep 03, 2015 8:09 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



I DON'T CARE THAT TWO PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY REVIEWED!
THIS IS A PERCY JACKSON FANFIC AND I WILL REVIEW IT!

As you can already tell. I LOVE PERCY JACKSON! And I can tell that this fanfic isn't going to be disappointing (I hope not anyway).

Now the plot... well. I can't tell. But it is the first chapter so you probably haven't gotten to it yet. Actually I don't think any book reveals the plot in the first chapter.

Anyway, you don't exactly reveal the location where Leia is at the beginning. But I get the image that she's in a forest because of the logs and how she darted into the trees. But maybe you were trying to portray another scene and I'm just too stupid to notice. :D

Actually we don't really know anything about Leia yet. Besides the fact that her parents are THE AMAZING PERCY JACKSON AND ANNABETH CHASE!
Her age (although that might've been a little difficult to add in) was something I wanted to know though.
Because she must have AMAZING stamina if she can run for ten minutes. I can barely jog for ten minutes. But I guess I'm not exactly the "athletic" type. :D

Finally, she saw her home up ahead. Leia took this as an incentive and put on a burst of speed.


I don't think the incentive part makes sense. Perhaps you meant:
"Leia took this as a reason to put on a burst of speed."
Or
"This became an incentive for Leia as she put on a burst of speed."

I dunno. Something like that.

Their eyes asked if it was really worth it, fighting off this upset father to get the girl.


I'm going to assume that you'll explain why they were chasing her in the first place so I won't... sin you for that?
Ok not sin but you get what I mean. I hope.

However I don't think you should use "upset" for this scene as it doesn't really... 'fit'. Perhaps angry but maybe not upset...

Actually I kinda like upset now...
D:
I'm a horrible reviewer.

They were both good-looking, which led to a lot of trouble when they came out in public.


Heh. I can just imagine men staring at Annabeth.
...
Now that I think about it...
That would not end well...

"You're...lying!" she accused them. Her eyes welled up with tears as she stood up and glared at them as fierce as she could.


...
Ok, for what reason would she have to react like that?
I mean, if she were in disbelief and though her parents were joking, that would be acceptable. But why would her eyes well up with tears? There's no reason.
I dunno, it just doesn't seem like a very realistic reaction.

Sorry, did that sound mean?
I didn't intend for it to.

You have Athena's blood and Poseidon's in your veins."


I think you meant:
"You have Athena's and Poseidon's blood pumping through your veins."

I may have spiced it up a bit.
:D

AND I THINK THAT'S IT!
Sorry if I wasn't very helpful.
I'm usually not. BUT I'M TRYING!

PHOENIX OUT!
I think I'm actually getting attached to this way of leaving...
Hm.
:D




erilea says...


Thanks! :D



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Thu Sep 03, 2015 6:51 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! This piece interests me since it's a Percy Jackson's spin-off fanfiction. ; ) Just to let you know, I enjoy reading it.

First, the suggestions.

Spoiler! :
"Leia was being chased by a couple of goons. They ran as soon as they saw me," he added, trying to sound heroic.


"Added" isn't fit here. Unless it's another dialogue tag, "said" is enough. "Added" is when you say it like this; "Leia was being chased by a couple of goons." His voice was calm. "They ran as soon as they saw me," he added, trying to sound heroic.

Leia managed a weak laugh and so did her mother. "More like they didn't want to waste their time on you!" Leia's mother teased. Rolling his eyes, her father headed into the kitchen with his daughter and wife.


Separate the part about Percy away from the dialogue paragraph in a new one.

"So...tell me everything." Her mother said. Leia sighed and slumped down in her chair.

"Do I have to?" she asked grumpily.


Another separation is needed. Remember, one dialogue paragraph for one person.

So... tell me everything," her mother said.

Leia sighed and slumped down in her chair. "Do I have to?" she asked grumpily.


"Well...they're all real."

Those words hit her like a bomb and she gazed at her father in disbelief. They couldn't be real. The twelve major Olympian gods had lived thousands, millions of years ago. Actually, they were just myths and had never existed! How had they managed to sneak up to the twentieth century? Leia shook her head, baffled.

"You're...lying!" she accused them. Her eyes welled up with tears as she stood up and glared at them as fierce as she could.


Leia's reaction is too serious. I thought she would laugh them off and said they were joking but she actually took their words and for some reason was in the brink of crying. I suggest you to improvise her reaction.

"We are demigods, and now the gods reside in the United States. Their headquarters, Mount Olympus, is in the Empire State Building on the 600th floor." Her father said seriously. Before Leia could tell him that Mount Olympus was a huge mountain and the Empire Building didn't have a 600th floor, he stopped her.

"I know that you're about to correct my facts, but I'm telling you this is true. I've returned Zeus's most powerful lightning bolts. I've collected the original Golden Fleece. I've held up the sky, journeyed through the original Labyrinth, and fought with Daedalus. Long story. I've also lost my memory and been sent to another Roman camp. Your mother's found an ancient legend, the statue of Athena, and prevented a war between the Greek and Roman camps. She's also held up the sky. We've been through Tartarus together and she battled Arachne. The things we've seen--the things we've done--" now her father's voice broke. "--I know what I'm talking about, Leia."


Too much info dump. We don't need all these facts, just a bit would be fine to convince Leia. Giving information easily would upset the reader's interest.


About the plot, characters, and settings;

The plot is interesting. I wonder what would happen next - why the guys are chasing her, how they know she's a demigod, and so on. That's the only focus of this story right now. I hope the next chapter would reveal the dangers and challenges Leia would face. By then, reading it would be more exciting.

For characters, Leia seems like a strong one. I'm pretty sure she wants to get involved later on and is a brave girl. Percy's and Annabeth's character are done well too. I hope you can develop them later if they function as important characters. Perhaps Leia would meet new friends in Greek camp.

In terms of setting, there's not much descriptions for it. For me, it's not a problem since I don't really like them, but perhaps a good amount of them would give us the idea of Leia's place, the path she takes when she is chased, and so on. It would make the whole imagination of the story complete.

Overall, this story has potential, like I said. Keep up the good job! :D




erilea says...


Thanks!



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Thu Sep 03, 2015 3:48 am
PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

I love your topic. Percy Jackson must be one of my favorites. :D And you manage to capture the old spirit of the books. Especially the first five. I think those were his best. I do have a couple things to point out, things that didn't really seem to fit.

Then he set his mouth in a determined line and ran to his daughter, who had collapsed at the steps leading up to the house. He helped her up, then stood in front of her in a protective position.


Where's Riptide? This seems like a time when he would pull it out. I mean, he could at least take it out in pen form. And having him pull it out would start her asking questions.

her mom came running.


Where did she come running from? The kitchen? From upstairs? We don't really get any picture of where they are.

Her mom had beautiful blond hair that hung in curls. She had a perfect tan and looked like a typical Californian girl, except for her grey eyes that were filled with intelligence. Leia's father was a little more casual looking. His deep black hair looked naturally windblown and his eyes were a sparkling sea green. They were both good-looking, which led to a lot of trouble when they came out in public.


This seems to be a big chunk of description in the wrong place. It could be scattered throughout the entire thing. For instance in the first part when you see Percy you mentioned his eyes widening. Make it his GREEN eyes widening, and you can take that part out. When Annabeth comes running in, maybe her hair is a bit messy, her eyes filled with fear.

One more thing, why doesn't she already know? I just thought that was kinda weird. Maybe it is just me, but I always thought they would tell their children. They had to deal with the shock of being told, so they might do things a little differently? I don't know, just a thought.

Perfect ending! :D I thought it was just the best it could be. Please let me know when the next part comes out.

KEEP WRITING! :D





I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
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