z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Amber Balance -Chapter 3

by ArtOfSilence


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Note: Hopefully this chapter answers a few questions while making you ask a bunch more questions. This and the next chapter or two are some of the ones I'm most unsure of at the moment so any feedback would be awesome! Hope you enjoy it at least.

Chapter 3

Pure agony pulsed through my left shoulder as I started awake. Opening my eyes, I couldn't hold back a groan of pain. The light stung and I quickly shut them again. Something soft tickled the bare skin of my arms. The scent of wet dirt, earth, filled my nostrils. Opening my eyes more slowly, giving myself time to adjust, I went to sit up. The excruciating pain flared into agony and I stopped. I felt weak. What happened? Why was I so weak? 

"We got another live one! Pretty too." A deep voice spoke from nearby.

"You know what Jaron said, no playing with the humans. We'll have some bitches of our own soon enough." This voice was higher and further away.

A large bald man leaned over me and grinned showing yellow, slightly crooked teeth.

"Hello missy. I've got a feeling we're gonna get to know each other real well."

His eyes slid down my body. Revulsion washed through me and he must have seen it on my face because his grin widened as he responded.

"Hah! You'll change your tune soon enough little flower, and I'll be there when it does."

What was I doing with these men? Everything was so fuzzy and I couldn't think through the pain. Actually, the pain was a good place to start. Despite the flare of molten agony, I rolled my head to the side to look at my shoulder. Even with the light stabbing at my eyes I couldn't help but widen them in shock. I couldn't see much other than my shoulder caked in dried blood and my shredded blouse streaked crimson all the way down the left side of my torso. Suddenly I remembered flashes of huge teeth and June screaming. June...Joe, Pieter! Dad!

"Where are my friends?!" My voice was urgent but filled with fear.

"Oh they're around I'm sure. Most worse off than you though, you lucky bitch-to-be!"

The higher voice laughed from further away and I glanced towards the source. A thinner, almost gangly man with long scars down his left ear and cheek was rummaging through my pack.

"I hear you got Jaron with a spear! He must have been in a good mood. I'm surprised you're still alive and he didn't even ruin that pretty face of yours." He shook his head side to side as though amazed. "If it'd been anyone else you'd be in a lot more pain right now, or perhaps, none at all if you catch my drift." He made a throat slashing gesture. "That I guarantee. Anyway, it's 'bout time we put you with the others." He grinned sadistically, "This is gonna hurt."

Placing a hand either side of my torso, he lifted me with apparent ease and I shrieked as my vision swam with pain. I felt bones grinding together unnaturally in my shoulder and after a few steps the pain grew distant and everything went hazy.

"I think you broke her. Look, her skins practically grey!" The skinny man said.

"Naw. She's just in shock is all. Surprised she didn't pass out t'be honest."

A yank on my hair pulled my head backwards and a scream from my mouth as I was forced to look up into the bald man's eyes. I could see the sadistic pleasure in them.

"You go on back to the village. Jaron'll be searching for any stragglers. I'll take her to the others."

Skinny nodded with a grin.

"Is that just an excuse to get a quick taste of the goods before anyone else?"

"'Course not! Jaron'd have my hide if I did an' you know it. 'Sides, she'll be begging for it soon enough."

With a sinister chuckle Skinny left the clearing.

I knew I was in shock, but it was a distant knowledge, barely seen through the fog in my mind. Bringing my legs up to my chest I wrapped my good arm around them as great sobs shook my body and tears rolled down my cheeks. Flashes of Joe being mauled, June's skin being shredded by giant claws while her blood spilled across the road, filled my mind's eye.

I'd always played at adventure, listening to Old Joe's stories and imagining myself in his place, exploring the world and fighting all ruffians and bandits, even such farfetched things as a dragon or two, but I'd never imagined what happened if I lost. Now I didn't need to imagine.

I must have inherited my sense of adventure from my mother. I'd never met her, but dad said she was part of a travelling mercenary company and although I was a happy accident to him, for her it was a different story. Caring for a daughter would have meant having to settle down and accept the simple life with my father. Apparently brewing cider and picking apples wasn't exciting enough for her. As soon as she recovered from my birth, she left us to rejoin her friends.

I don't know how long I sat there, sobbing into my knees in the near darkness. By the time I came back to myself the light had just begun to fade from the sky. My mouth felt like rough bark and I had a hot aching sensation all over that mingled with the pain radiating from my shoulder. Surprisingly, I hurt less than I expected, the pain was still sharp but far less mind blanketing than before. Instead, a tingling heat had replaced it, fizzing strangely inside my bones.

Wiping my eyes against the short sleeve of my blouse that wasn't covered in blood, I looked up. Glancing around, others from my village were similarly placed against trees or just lying on the grass covered in blood. About a score -twenty - of us in all. I guess we know what happened to Jaksonsville. We're all going to die.

We must be in the orchards. Apples littered the ground like a storm had swept through. One nestled up against my right knee, close enough to grasp without bending forward. Licking my dry, cracked lips I grabbed it and took a bite, focused on sating my hunger for the moment.

"Ali! You're back with us. Where are the others who went with you? Did they get away?" Mayor Thompson spoke quickly from where he was propped against the tree to my left.

He was lacking a few fingers on his right hand with clear bite marks on his forearm. One knee bent at an unnatural angle, swollen and bruised and his spectacles were missing; he looked strange without them. Suddenly feeling a little nauseous, I swallowed and shook my head gently, placing the apple back on the grass.

"No, we never had a chance. Did anyone get away from the village? What about my father?" I asked anxiously.

Thompson grimaced and I knew immediately dad didn't get away.

"He's around somewhere. Damn!" he exclaimed, punching the earth with his good hand. "We'll just have to hope that Pat and his caravan get enough of a response to send some men as soon as possible." He didn't look or sound at all confident of that. Probably because small caravanners and peddlers don't exactly have a reputation for accurate storytelling, more the opposite. Thompson looked like he was debating something for a moment before he spoke up again, his voice low, filled with grief.

"Ali...your dad was on watch when the howling started. He and the other watchmen are the worst off...most of them didn't make it, but I know Finn and your dad were at least alive last I time saw them." I felt sick at the thought of my father lying among the trees, dead or dying, the grass stained red around him. "Brady's dead...and Serena...my beautiful Serena." he continued, swallowing heavily as tears filled eyes already red.

Old Joe's pained voice sounded from the other side of my tree, out of sight around the large trunk, "Thompson, there's no chance any real help will arrive and you know it. Our only chance is to get our message to the duke. I don't know why but it's clear they want us alive; most of us at least. If I had to guess... Well, those teeth aren't exactly made for eating vegetables."

"Joe!" Relief washed through me at the sound of his voice before being quickly replaced by concern. "Are you alright? Where's June and Pieter?"

"I've been better, but surprisingly I've also been worse. June was hauled off somewhere closer to the village. Pieter's there too. I don’t think he's woken at all since that blow to the head. They seem to be taking the most injured over there." From his grave tone it was obvious he feared the worst; especially after his earlier comment. Glancing around once more I couldn't see any of the wolfmen. Perhaps we could escape, before they killed the rest of us.

"Where are they? What, are they?"

"They're around and I have no idea. Listen, we need someone to get our letter to the duke, otherwise we might as well be dead already. Can either of you walk? I've got a torn-up leg else I'd go myself."

"I can't. My knee is completely broken. I don't think I'll ever be able to walk again." Stated Thompson, distracted from his tears by Joe.

I bit my lip.

"I can."

"Good."

Joes calloused hand appeared around the trunk of the tree at my back, holding a blood splattered letter.

"Grab Finn and anyone else who can walk. Follow the road west until you reach the city and give the letter to the captain of the guards at the gate."

Deceptively light footfalls nearby grew louder until a broad shouldered, raven haired man with long jagged scars running down his left arm from under his sleeve stepped into view. I quickly stashed the letter underneath my thigh. He had on a threadbare shirt the colour of new leaves and rough brown pants. I'd never seen him before and from the looks the others were giving him no one else had either. He walked right up to me hand outstretched.

"The duke doesn't care about you. Trust me, I know." He voice was firm and filled with authority. He motioned with his hand. "Give it here."

Staring at him, I was unsure what to do.

"Give. It. Here. Now." His words took on a sharp edge.

A sigh sounded behind me.

"Give him the letter Ali. It’s ok." Came Joes voice.

Handing over the letter, he tore it into pieces right in front of us before walking to the clearing center.

"What a Pitiful defense. Barely a fighter among you." He looked disgusted, his voice dripped with scorn. "I honestly expected hardy farm folk to mount some form of resistance." He looked around at us once more and as his dark amber eyes met mine I could see disappointment, like we had let him down. "Then again, it's not like it's a surprise." He sighed and looked away. "Ah well, at least some of you have the will to fight, unlike the last town." Gaze turning back towards us he continued. "Those of you that survive will serve me and you will learn. I am the alpha of this pack. You may call me Jaron."

"This pack?", Mayor Thompson spoke up, "You work with those things?! Those monsters! You let them attack our village? And Jacksonville?! People are dead because of you! You betray humanity to these demons!" Glancing at Thompson I could see him practically frothing at the mouth and gnashing his teeth in rage.

"Lives are lost in war. If their lives must be paid for justice, for vengeance, then gladly will I pay them. I would pay any price!" Jaron's words grew steadily louder as he spoke. His face twitched, clearly struggling with some deeper emotion and after a moment he abandoned his failing attempt to hide his fury. His next words were frenzied, steeped in rage, "I sacrificed everything. Everything! Even my life and the lives of my men. My friends! All to protect his son and he covers it up! I understood he needed to avoid a panic, keep the faith of the people or they'd turn on him. Couldn't let them know 'monsters' were loose in the lands. Couldn't let the fucking Caprith know how close they came to capturing his son. He'd lose face, seem vulnerable!"

Jaron's rage red features twisted until they reflected nothing but grief, a broken man. He continued quietly, almost as though he was talking to himself. "I could've understood, could've went quietly into the darkness for the best of reasons. But...but-" He paused to gather himself, wiping the beginnings of tears from his eyes, taking a deep breath and schooling his face before speaking again.

"Have you ever been betrayed by a friend? Someone you trusted with your very life and the lives of your loved ones? I have. We all have whether you know it or not. His oath, his word and his honour are empty. He owes me and mine a debt of blood. He owes all of us!" He stared straight at Mayor Thompson. "I didn't betray humanity to 'these demons', humanity betrayed me to them!"

With that Jaron gripped the collar of his shirt and slid it off in one movement revealing his well-muscled arms and torso with raised pale scars running in jagged lines until they passed out of sight. Gasps of horror could be heard around the clearing. He looked like a man who should be dead; one who had survived long hours of torture, being flayed alive or worse. As I ran my gaze over the horror someone had made of his body the crunching of bone broke the fearful silence. Swiftly glancing around I saw others doing the same. It wasn't immediately clear where the sound came from, only when Jaron groaned did all eyes return to see his ribs straining stark white against his skin, head thrown back towards the starlit sky beyond the treetops. His skin seemed to slither and split, growing out from his frame. His muscles following a moment later, bulging outward.

What the fuck!? Never in any story had I heard of this!

With a low grinding noise his jaw began to shift and push outward below glowing amber eyes as his ears grew pointed. He appeared to grow before my eyes as dark hair -fur- began to sprout from the new skin until it covered him head to toe, eventually hiding even his myriad of scars. Where before he'd been six feet tall now he stood at least seven. With a series of cracks and pops his spine curved forcing him into an almost hunched over stance and he dropped to all fours. Freshly grown long black claws dug into the grass and dirt as he stretched his new form towards the sky and howled through what was now clearly a muzzle rimmed with inch long fangs.

Icy fear shot down my spine, no longer postponed by disbelief as whimpers and screams filled the night. Adrenaline flooded through me. Ignoring the pain in my shoulder I lurched forward grasping the rough bark of the apple tree behind me with my uninjured arm and shoulder, using it to pull myself to my feet. Turning to flee I stopped before I'd even taken a step as more of them stepped out from the trees, surrounding the clearing. Each raised their muzzles to the sky, joining Jaron's howl until it filled the valley. There was nowhere to run. The hot ache I'd been feeling in the background ever since I awoke grew stronger until it suffused my body and I broke out in sweat, suddenly gasping for air.

Turning back to Jaron I watched as he raised himself onto two legs, standing hunched forward, knees slightly bent. Rolling his head, he took a moment to breathe deeply. Was- was he savouring the scent of our terror?! With something akin to a sigh his muscles went limp and he began shrinking back to his original size with an orchestra of cringe inducing cracks and pops. As his muzzle finished receding into his skull his mouth took on a small smirk brimming with confidence, arrogance.

"And so, the sheep see that a wolf is among them. A wolf in sheep's clothing just like all the stories say. You need not fear little sheep, for a wolf you may yet become. You see, all it takes is one bite and on the next full moon the sheep becomes both man and wolf. A werewolf. Or dies." His rage and grief vented for the moment Jaron smiled at our terrified, disbelieving stares. "It's true and what's more, the full moon is only one night away. Most of you will die, but even a handful from every village will add to our numbers, until not even the garrison of Lears or the mages in their vaunted academy can offer that honourless cretin asylum. Those of you who survive will join me and leave your traitorous humanity behind. You shall be my soldiers. The instruments of my vengeance and we shall take everything from him as he has taken everything from me!" The aching heat faded into the background once more, seemingly in time with his return to humanity.

"You're even more of a musclebound oaf than you look if you think anyone will join you after killing our family and friends. I'll join them before I join you monsters!"

Instead of anger at Joe's outburst, Jaron looked to my right where he was and laughed with a sharp, sinister edge. "Oh, you'll join me. You will find new purpose and pleasures. Your old lives will mean nothing and as your alpha, you will obey me." He smirked. "Just wait and see."

His gaze shifted to meet mine and the dark amber of his eyes glowed, "You too little spear-girl. A fine throw that was. I expect both you and the old man to survive the first transformation. I could use your fighting spirit."

I realized it had been himon the road! He was the one who bit me.

With a final glance around the clearing Jaron began to make his way back towards our village, grabbing his shirt from where it lay upon the grass.

"Enjoy your apples. It's all you'll be getting tonight."

Even with Jaron gone the clearing was still silent. A darkness beyond simple nightfall had fallen over it. From people's expressions most were in shock. I wonder if mine is the same. Just the prospect of becoming one of those monsters, werewolves Jaron had called them...is it truly possible? That a bite could do such a thing? I'd never have believed it before, but after seeing a man transform into a monster before my eyes I couldn't shake the feeling that it was true. Old Joe and Mayor Thompson clearly didn't know as they were just as silent as the rest of us. Finn was sobbing against a tree on the other side of the clearing, clutching at bloody gouges in his chest; a strip of torn, blood splattered fabric grasped in one white knuckled hand. Finn! He was on dads watch shift! Pushing off from where I still leaned against the tree I walked slowly so as to avoid jolting my shoulder. Even so I could feel the bones grinding against each other slightly and instantly felt nauseous.

Standing over Finn I could hear his breath rattle. The bloody cloth he held so tightly was clearly the ruffled sleeve of a dress and his sobs resolved into faint whispers of 'Maria', the name of his eight-year-old sister. Suddenly seeing through tears, I placed my hand on his shoulder and his face turned towards me. It took a long moment before recognition sparked in his eyes. "He- he said they had no use for children. That- that it was a mercy to save them from this world." His voice was choked, lips trembling.

Tears filled my eyes as I thought of little Maria, Brady, Serena and all the rest who's fates I didn't know and I fought back sobs of my own. How could this happen? We were a simple village who grew apples and made cider. This is a nightmare. Finn must have realized what I'd come over to ask as he continued through his sobs, "Y- Your dads alive." He paused to gather himself a moment, "He lost an ear and'n eye, but was alive last I saw him."

Not trusting my voice, I nodded my thanks and knelt next to him, cradling his head with my good arm, back against the tree. I cried along with Finn until finally he fell into sleep and I followed soon after.


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Sat Sep 08, 2018 4:11 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I saw that this has been lingering at the back of the Green Room, and I thought I'd drop by for a review!

This was actually really interesting to read, and I felt like I was able to follow it despite jumping in in chapter 3! Your bad guys are chilling because they're so ruthless, but then they have a reason for their actions and it's hard to know whether or not that reason is justified at all, as I can easily imagine atrocities being committed against largely-innocent werewolves, driving people like Jaron to do stuff like this.

I must have inherited my sense of adventure from my mother. I'd never met her, but dad said she was part of a travelling mercenary company and although I was a happy accident to him, for her it was a different story. Caring for a daughter would have meant having to settle down and accept the simple life with my father. Apparently brewing cider and picking apples wasn't exciting enough for her. As soon as she recovered from my birth, she left us to rejoin her friends.

This really felt like the wrong time for this bit of exposition. The previous paragraph was really good and the last sentence especially sent shivers down my spine, but then this exposition felt really out of place.

I don't know how long I sat there, sobbing into my knees in the near darkness. By the time I came back to myself the light had just begun to fade from the sky.

This confused me a bit, because before the bald guy had said he was going to take her "to the others," but then he never actually did that. She just sat there and cried, and then the others were all around her.

He was lacking a few fingers on his right hand with clear bite marks on his forearm

So, I understand why they're not leaving the injured for dead, and why they all have such terrible injuries, but honestly, someone who's just gotten their fingers bitten off, with no medical attention given to them, is going to die. Period. He's going to bleed out and die. So unless there's a specific reason - maybe werewolf bites don't bleed or something - the werewolves are going to have to give these people medical attention if they want any of them to survive for longer than a few hours.

All the character stuff here is really powerful - I definitely agree with niteowl on that. I think you could possibly shorten the paragraphs where Jaron reveals themselves as werewolves and rants about them joining him, because right now they're long enough that they start to lose the effect.

And that's all I've got! Good luck with this story, and keep writing! I think I'll go ahead and check out the next chapter. :)




ArtOfSilence says...


Hi. Thanks for taking the time to review!

This really felt like the wrong time for this bit of exposition. The previous paragraph was really good and the last sentence especially sent shivers down my spine, but then this exposition felt really out of place.


It's interesting you should say that since the exposition wasn't there in the first draft. I've had another review in the previous posting of this chapter say they thought this was an ideal point to put some exposition and after some thought I gave it a shot.

I do think upon rereading it myself now that it does lose a lot of the effect of the previous paragraph as you've said. I think I'll try keep it here but work it in better to make it flow more naturally and retain some of the impact of the previous paragraph.

I don't know how long I sat there, sobbing into my knees in the near darkness. By the time I came back to myself the light had just begun to fade from the sky.


This confused me a bit, because before the bald guy had said he was going to take her "to the others," but then he never actually did that. She just sat there and cried, and then the others were all around her.


You're right. There is a bit of a sudden change without mention of actually moving which, while Ali is very out of it at the moment is a bit jarring. I seem to remember writing him carrying her though, but it must have just been in my head haha. Good catch.

So, I understand why they're not leaving the injured for dead, and why they all have such terrible injuries, but honestly, someone who's just gotten their fingers bitten off, with no medical attention given to them, is going to die. Period.


The way I'd thought of it was that since it's so close to the full moon the werewolf curse was in overdrive and already beginning to take hold allowing most of their wounds to at least stop bleeding. I'll need to think on this one and ask some RL readers if they feel the same. If readers are finding it confusing or it seems wrong and draws them out of the story then I'll definitely change it.

I'm glad you found the character stuff to be powerful. As I said to niteowl,

I find it very hard to judge if my writing has the emotional impact I'm going for or that the character personalities are coming through for the reader


..so thanks for that!

I definitely agree with niteowl on that. I think you could possibly shorten the paragraphs where Jaron reveals themselves as werewolves and rants about them joining him, because right now they're long enough that they start to lose the effect.


Yeah the rant in particular is something I'm concerned about. Jaron's rant isn't supposed to be perfect as I'd hoped it kind of showed him as bit unstable and starting to fray around the edges if you know what I mean. I think this is another thing I'll try get collaborating feedback for as your right it is quite long.

Thanks again for the review and the good luck! Every bit of feedback helps.



Mea says...


You're very welcome! I'm glad the review helped, and thanks for telling me a bit about your thought process. :)



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Thu Sep 06, 2018 3:43 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there ArtofSilence! Niteowl here to review Chapter 3! As with the Chapter 2 review, I'll make comments as I read and then sum up with overall thoughts at the end.

Placing a hand on either side of my torso, he lifted me with apparent ease and I shrieked as my vision swam with pain.


A yank on my hair pulled my head backwards and a scream ? from my mouth as I was forced to look up into the bald man's eyes.


Both of these sentences feel awkward to me. The first one has a lot happening in it so maybe it should be two sentences. Also "my vision swam with pain" sounds weird to me. The second one might be better as active rather than passive voice, plus there appears to be a word missing after "scream". Attempted re-wording: "The bald man yanked my hair, forcing me to look up into his eyes. He grinned as he heard me scream."

With a sinister chuckle Skinny left the clearing.


This confused me for a second because I thought he was actually named Skinny when I hadn't heard any actual names beside Jaron. Maybe just say like "the thin one"?

I knew I was in shock, but it was a distant knowledge, barely seen through the fog in my mind. Bringing my legs up to my chest I wrapped my good arm around them as great sobs shook my body and tears rolled down my cheeks. Flashes of Joe being mauled, June's skin being shredded by giant claws while her blood spilled across the road, filled my mind's eye.


There's some great imagery here and I feel like overall, it's showing us her emotions very well. However, the first sentence feels like filler because I already know she's in shock and her mind is foggy. Also, "great sobs shook my body" and "tears rolled down my cheeks" are almost contradictory--the first is more forceful while the second is more generic and seems too gentle for this moment.

I'd always played at adventure, listening to Old Joe's stories and imagining myself in his place, exploring the world and fighting all ruffians and bandits, even such farfetched things as a dragon or two, but I'd never imagined what happened if I lost. Now I didn't need to imagine.


Wow. This might be the most powerful paragraph of this entire story so far. Who doesn't dream of going on grand adventures and defeating all the bad guys? Plus lately I've been thinking about how my life these days, though thankfully werewolf-attack free, is not where I imagined it would be as a child or a teenager. So even though I will probably not get attacked by supernatural monsters anytime soon, this passage is weirdly relatable.

The bit about her mother is interesting and probably relevant, but I'm not sure this is the best place for it. Maybe it would make more sense in earlier chapters, or maybe there's some other place it would fit in.

My mouth felt like rough bark and I had a hot aching sensation all over that mingled with the pain radiating from my shoulder. Surprisingly, I hurt less than I expected, the pain was still sharp but far less mind blanketing than before. Instead, a tingling heat had replaced it, fizzing strangely inside my bones.


There's a lot of sensory description here, and I think it might be overkill. Some of it is good, like "my mouth felt like rough bark" and "fizzing strangely inside my bones". But "hot aching sensation" and "tingling heat" feels repetitive, and I think the latter is stronger.

About a score -twenty - of us in all. I guess we know what happened to Jaksonsville. We're all going to die.


1) You don't need to say "a score" and "twenty" since they mean the same thing. Pick one.
2) The sudden switch from "I" to "we" doesn't make sense to me. The second sentence almost sounds too casual for the situation, like she's a narrator giving a voiceover and not actually living this. I think some subtle rewording would make it sound more dramatic. "This must be what happened to Jaksonsville" or "Is this what happened to Jaksonsville?".

Mayor Thompson spoke quickly from where he was propped against the tree to my left.


The "spoke quickly" phrase made me think of that old aphorism "never use adverbs". While that isn't always the case, "spoke quickly" does not seem like the right dialogue tag here. That makes me picture a fast-talking auctioneer, not an injured man.

Thompson grimaced and I knew immediately dad didn't get away.


"Dad" needs to be capitalized since it's a name/title. I've seen this in a couple places so I thought I'd point it out here.

Probably because small caravanners and peddlers don't exactly have a reputation for accurate storytelling, more the opposite.


Now I'm wondering a) how they had enough time to send a caravan for help and b) why they chose people who might not be seen as reliable for this task.

"Brady's dead...and Serena...my beautiful Serena." he continued, swallowing heavily as tears filled eyes already red.


This dialogue tag sounds awkward. I would go with something simple like "He wept."

Old Joe's pained voice sounded from the other side of my tree, out of sight around the large trunk


This reads awkwardly and I think it would be surprising to hear Joe's voice. I might cut the intro sentence and go into his dialogue, then have her realize it's Joe.

Deceptively light footfalls nearby grew louder until a broad shouldered, raven haired man with long jagged scars running down his left arm from under his sleeve stepped into view. I quickly stashed the letter underneath my thigh. He had on a threadbare shirt the colour of new leaves and rough brown pants. I'd never seen him before and from the looks the others were giving him no one else had either. He walked right up to me hand outstretched.


I feel like this description could read smoother and some of the description could be toned down. The first sentence has too many adjectives and adverbs. The "color of new leaves" description threw me off. I assume you meant green. Also, I'm not sure we need that much physical description of this man right away. I would start the sentence off with the action then move into the description, like "As I hid the letter, I heard footsteps growing louder before a strange man appeared."

Oh, so Jaron is their leader but is not a wolfman? Interesting. Also, I think the other village is supposed to be "Jaksonsville", but it might have gotten auto-corrected to "Jacksonville" here.

Glancing at Thompson I could see him practically frothing at the mouth and gnashing his teeth in rage.


I don't think this sentence is necessary. You've already established that Thompson is speaking, and his anger is pretty evident from his words.

His face twitched, clearly struggling with some deeper emotion and after a moment he abandoned his failing attempt to hide his fury. His next words were frenzied, steeped in rage


"Frenzied" doesn't seem like the right word to describe a long speech about his motivations for this attack. I would trim this to something like "His face twitched and his voice grew louder until he was bellowing in rage."

Ah, so he is a werewolf, but maybe like a more advanced one than the ones who attacked earlier?

I love the wolf in sheep's clothing speech, but given that that metaphor has Biblical origins, I'm not sure it works since presumably we are in a fantasy world where they are not using our Bible. Then again, it seems like the phrase popped up in other contexts throughout the centuries, so it's not unreasonable that this world would have a similar expression.

Oh goodness I am starting to tear up thinking of that little girl. Really powerful stuff here. I...was not expecting to get that attached to these characters in Chapter 3.

Now that I've reached the end, I'll go back to your author's note--indeed, this did answer a lot of my questions, so that's good. I do wonder who will survive the transformation into werewolves and if they will be able to resist Jaron. Overall, I think the dialogue is good and the characterization is strong.

I think the weak part of this chapter is odd/awkward sentences, strange descriptions, and dialogue tags that are distracting me from the actual dialogue. I would suggest reading sentences out loud to see if they flow well or if they sound clunky. For some reason, I feel like I was more nit-picky than in the previous chapter. Sorry about that. I will try to be less nit-picky as I read on.

Overall, this is a gripping and powerful story, and I plan to return, hopefully this weekend, to review the next few chapters. Keep writing! :D




ArtOfSilence says...


Hey. Thanks for the review!

First off, seriously don't worry about the nit-picky stuff. Even if I don't agree, which I do with a lot of them on rereading. It gives me an alternate perspective I'd otherwise not have.

Now I'm wondering a) how they had enough time to send a caravan for help and b) why they chose people who might not be seen as reliable for this task.


The peddlers caravan was never sent to warn people or get help. They simply passed through Jaksonvile on their usual trading route and it was a ghost town with clear signs of a struggle.

I love the wolf in sheep's clothing speech, but given that that metaphor has Biblical origins, I'm not sure it works since presumably we are in a fantasy world where they are not using our Bible. Then again, it seems like the phrase popped up in other contexts throughout the centuries, so it's not unreasonable that this world would have a similar expression.


I never thought of the biblical link, my knowledge of the bible is mostly limited to a few specific sections. I'll ask some people I know who are more educated in the subject to read over it and see what they think.

Oh goodness I am starting to tear up thinking of that little girl. Really powerful stuff here. I...was not expecting to get that attached to these characters in Chapter 3.


This makes me really happy. As I mentioned in my last reply in chapter 2, I find it very hard to judge if my writing has the emotional impact I'm going for or that the character personalities are coming through for the reader so it's gratifying to hear you say that.

I really do agree with most if not all the nitpicks you've got here I haven't responded to directly and also I'll fix the errors you caught. Thanks again for your review!




See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451