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by ArsheenAbdul


His eyes are the happiness in hers

His voice is the laughter in hers

And all she wishes is

That whatever they have

To last forever

To last an eternity

No matter where they go

No matter where they are

All she wants

Is to dwell in his heart


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1210 Reviews


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Sat Jan 21, 2017 2:10 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there ArsheenAbdul and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

My favorite part of the poem is the first two lines. It shows quite effectively how much her happiness has grown to depend on him and it's a little different from the typical love poem.

However, the rest of the piece feels a little too much like a "typical" love poem. That is, I feel like it could be written about or for almost anyone. The pitfall when writing about universal emotions like love is that it's easy to fall into the same ideas that have been written time and time again.

To combat this tendency, I would use more specific imagery to bring this couple to life. Let the reader see, hear, smell, feel their love. Focus on something like a specific moment between these two people. That will make the poem much more interesting and unique.

Lastly, I have to agree with the prior reviewer's comment about form. With the last couple lines, there's a slant rhyme between "are" and "heart". It's sort of weird when the rest of the poem doesn't rhyme. Now, rhyme can be really effective if done well, but forced rhyming or rhyming without meter tends to drag a poem down. Free verse can also work well, and it's what I usually recommend in most cases. So if you want to stick with free verse, I would watch out for rhyming.

Overall, this has a nice sentiment, but it could be stronger with more specific imagery. Welcome again and keep writing! :D



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ArsheenAbdul says...


Thanks a lot for the very needed advice. As a beginner I needed opinion on my work and how to establish it further.



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Points: 147
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Fri Jan 20, 2017 10:54 pm
davidgma wrote a review...



First off the idea is decent. It was little sappy for my taste but that is ok. But this poem seems to lack a few things. It does not have much if any rythm and it seems to lack a form, the idea you had going in the first two verses is great form wise. Try to emulate that with the rest of the poem if you decide to re-write.



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ArsheenAbdul says...


Thank you so much for your opinion. I have recently started writing and I did want reviews on my work. I will definitely take into consideration re-writing after the first two verses.



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Points: 147
Reviews: 5

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Fri Jan 20, 2017 10:52 pm
davidgma says...







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