His eyes are the happiness in hers
His voice is the laughter in hers
And all she wishes is
That whatever they have
To last forever
To last an eternity
No matter where they go
No matter where they are
All she wants
Is to dwell in his heart
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi there ArsheenAbdul and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.
My favorite part of the poem is the first two lines. It shows quite effectively how much her happiness has grown to depend on him and it's a little different from the typical love poem.
However, the rest of the piece feels a little too much like a "typical" love poem. That is, I feel like it could be written about or for almost anyone. The pitfall when writing about universal emotions like love is that it's easy to fall into the same ideas that have been written time and time again.
To combat this tendency, I would use more specific imagery to bring this couple to life. Let the reader see, hear, smell, feel their love. Focus on something like a specific moment between these two people. That will make the poem much more interesting and unique.
Lastly, I have to agree with the prior reviewer's comment about form. With the last couple lines, there's a slant rhyme between "are" and "heart". It's sort of weird when the rest of the poem doesn't rhyme. Now, rhyme can be really effective if done well, but forced rhyming or rhyming without meter tends to drag a poem down. Free verse can also work well, and it's what I usually recommend in most cases. So if you want to stick with free verse, I would watch out for rhyming.
Overall, this has a nice sentiment, but it could be stronger with more specific imagery. Welcome again and keep writing!
Thanks a lot for the very needed advice. As a beginner I needed opinion on my work and how to establish it further.
First off the idea is decent. It was little sappy for my taste but that is ok. But this poem seems to lack a few things. It does not have much if any rythm and it seems to lack a form, the idea you had going in the first two verses is great form wise. Try to emulate that with the rest of the poem if you decide to re-write.
Thank you so much for your opinion. I have recently started writing and I did want reviews on my work. I will definitely take into consideration re-writing after the first two verses.