Young Writers Society

As far as getting the emotion of the situation on paper, good job. Your pain and concern for your family come across very well. It comes across, though, as something written quickly to get it all out. Now it's time to go back and rework it, polish it up. First thing: spell, grammar. It reads like you haven't looked at it at all since putting it all down. Second: it seems a bit unfocused. Like you are trying to do too much with one poem. I understand that brother hurt mom by announcing engagement to bad girl. Part of the poem is focused on the hurt caused to you and your mom. But, then it switches to bad mouthing the girl. Then it is your relationship with your brother. I know they are all connected, but in the short space allowed by a poem, it makes it seem that the poem is unfocused. What is most important? How this engagement hurts you? Hurts the family? Or why this girl is bad? I think that the 4 stanzas about why she is bad are unnecessary. You just need to establish that she is wrong for the brother and for the family. The main focus of the poem should be on how it affects the family, you. Not why she is bad. Write another poem about what a witch she is if you have to. That one could be fun. Here, I would focus on the family relationships. If she really is such an outsider, don't let her have this big a part in the poem about your family.

I think its good over all. It is very good especially in terms of imagery but you really need to check your spelling, grammar, and syntax

WOW!....This is full of emotion and I can see your really upset about your family problems right now. Thumbs up!!

I know it skips around becausei wrote it last night at 1 in the morning and i had all these feelings bursting out of me.

Hmm.. It's a little choppy. Other than that it's alright.

Thanks

Wow! Good to see that someone else is not just a materialistic jerk. Many people are these days. It's good to see someone that cares about the emotions of others, and doesn't just wallow in self pity. Nice poem.