People of the Past
Forgotten for there service,
Shaping us in different ways,
Proud for what they have done.
Gone not for long,
Telling us songs,
Glad to have lived
God has saved,
Have lived to there day,
Very different from what they seem,
People of the past,
Have saved us all
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I started critiquing your poetry so I should probably finish...Here goes...
People of the past, (no caps on past and add a comma)
Their services forgotten. (Notice the order difference and the spelling of their)
They shape us in different ways, (Different format of wording)
Proud of what they have done.
Now how do the last two lines relate again?
If you are going to rhyme, rhyme. Don't do some rhyming and some now.
They were not gone for long, (Format) Also, what was the point of that line....get rid of it
Telling us songs, (GET RID OF THAT LINE)
They are glad to have live....
Okay...Take out that whole stanza. I don't like it at all.. You jump around too much...This poem needs about two more stanzas if you take out this one. Each stanza needs the same number of lines please!
Also, please don't continue a sentence from stanza to stanza...bad form...
Very different from what they seem,
These people of the past (no comma, add these)
Have saved us all. (Period)
Not your best...The repetition was bad, I didn't like the topic, it bored me, yady yadah yadah. Make those corrections, write some more and it might be a little better...
-Nikki
Yeah, what she said.
WAY TOO MUCH REPETITION! Perhaps maybe start and end with "People of the past" and separate your other thoughts into stanzas. I'll rewrite it like this.
People of the Past
Forgotten for there service,
Shaping us in different ways,
Proud for what they have done.
Gone not for long,
Telling us songs,
Glad to have lived
God has saved,
Have lived to there day,
Very different from what they seem,
People of the past,
Have saved us all
Hopefully in this format it's easier to see how you could change the wording or expand on stuff. Although you don't have to use this format.
Also in the line "Have lived to there day," that should be their.
Like Dusky said, great idea, but the poem needs work.
The repetition in this really didn't work for me. I got bored of reading the same line over and over. I think you have a good idea here, but the actual wording and such could use some work. Maybe you could try to cut down on the repetition and add in some more complete thoughts.