Heroes of heart,
they do not part,
In a kingdom,
Where darkness reigns.
The light shines so bright,
in the sky the heavens gleam.
The heart open doors
to the light
and darkness.
The fight begins.
Out of the heaven,arrows fall
but yet the darkness stands tall.
Just a key to the heart is need.
The heart holds all the answers.
The ultimate weapon revealed
the darkness begins to rise.
The fight is over and all that remains.
The heroes of heart,
That will never part.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I agree with all the replys and corrections. The beginning definitely sounds forced and too much like a poem. I mean, it is a poem and it needs to sounds like a poem but not read like a poem. Do you get what I'm saying?
It's very well written though except those few mistakes you need to check up on. Hope to read more of your poems and your revisions to this one.
This is pretty... here's some crit.
I don't like the beginning. The rhyming seems forced and it just does't make sense and grab you
I liked this stanza with the contrast between light and darkness
I don't really get this. 'The heart open doors'? Do you mean 'the heart opens doors'?
This was cool, but try adding a syllable to te last line. So it goes: 'out of the heaven, arrows fall, but yet the darkness stands so tall' it flows better
Interesting, but not that great
Pretty good, but I don't like the word 'rise' here. Try ascend or something more majestic or dangerous.
I didn't like your ending either. I really don't get your 'never part' thing.
This has potential and is pretty good, but I don't like it that much as it is
I really enjoyed this with the new revisions. It works so much better and doesn't jump all over the map as it had before. the flow is also much nicer. Good job.
Just a few comments:
I think that this should be "opens" not "open"
This should either be "Out of heaven" or "Out of the heavens"
"need" here should be "needed".
I don't think that you mean rise here. Maybe retreat? Or maybe you should replace "darkness" with "light" in that sentence.
Over all good job. I really enjoyed reading it.
I don't know why, but I am oddly attracted to your poetry. I tear it apart, yes, but I am drawn to it...
You have a horrid rhyming scheme. If you are going to rhyme, rhyme it all or every other line. If you are not, then don't. Nothing in between. This was just an okay beginnning. Also, I like how oyu seperate the poem into stanzas, but when you go to a new stanza, its usually a new sentence. For example:
Heroes of heart,
They do not part (no comma)
In a kingdom (no capital k and no comma)
Where darkness reigns. (notice the spelling or reigns)
Do a set amount of lines per stanza. Decide if you are going to capitalize the first letter of each line or not.
The light shines bright,
Up in the sky where the heavens gleam.
The heart (doesn't make sense) opens (notice the s) doors (no comma)
To the light and the darkness. (one line, a bit changed)
The fight beings. (period)
Out of the heaven, (comma) arrows fall (no comma)
But yet the darkness stands tall. (Either rhyme or dont)
I didn't like this format, here's an idea:
Just a key to the heart is need.
The heart holds all the answers.
I would say
The ultimate weapon is revealed (no comma)
And the darkness begins to rise. (Maybe a different word. One thing though...Darkness doesn't squeal)
The fight is over
And all that remains
Are the heroes of heart (no caps)
That will never part . (Different wording)
Even with my corrections, I didn't like it that much. It was okay I guess, just not my cup of tea...
This seemed a little disjoint to me, like you were just brainstorming different ideas and throwing them together. I think if you concentrated on just one type of hero this would work better, instead of jumping all over the map from Medival heroes to Space Age heros.