This is a beautiful story. It sounds like the backdrop is somewhere in the country side, and the people are kind of old-school and simple. And I loved that! Keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
This is a beautiful story. It sounds like the backdrop is somewhere in the country side, and the people are kind of old-school and simple. And I loved that! Keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
Hi Arkhaion! Such an amazingly simple story - so beautiful and so heart wrenching - I absolutely loved it. Definitely deserves to be in the spotlight - you did a great job. Your writing kept me hooked and I loved how you dropped little details about David's life here and there to make the story seem more real. It was really effective and made the ending even more powerful. Well done. Tick tock
Hey Arkhaion! This was very well thought out, and you obviously put a lot of effort into this short story. Some people might say that they don't like how you took so long to build up to the dad's sickness, but I disagree with those people. I think the build up was needed in order to provide the right tone of how this particular family operates. If I'm correct, this is a slightly "dysfunctional" family, not in the sense that they have abuse, or drinking, or financial issues, but more in the sense that they all fight so much, it brings them that much closer in times of need. The brothers pretend not to be worried at all about what the parents think, but treat them with care and love when they need it the most.
Six brothers, wow. That's a lot to handle. I feel bad for those parents XD. All kidding aside, this really was a touching story. I absolutely loved how you went season be season, instead of simply saying "two months passed" every time you wanted a change in the plot that could only happen over a longer period of time. It was very smart of you to so that. I inferred that you must have set the story in a southern place, perhaps Georgia, or Florida, or Mexico. ghjs was nice that you didn't put unneeded information like the specific dates and places in here, it would have clogged up the emotion pipe.
Great job, and I have nothing to critique. The abruptness of the second orange tree part was very well done. I had to read it three times before it sunk in that the dad had died. That's not because you wrote it vaguely, it was just so sudden and so sad that I didn't wasn't to believe it.
This was great!
~Caterpickle
Hey!
I really enjoyed this piece. Your plot and characters were realistic, nothing too showy or dramatic, just very down to earth. One thing, fifth paragraph- first sentence, you should proabably use commas in between your prepositional phrases to keep your meaning clear. Once again, you did a marvelous job on this piece. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
groganbabygirl
ARK!! It's been so long! Anyhow, Luata here to review your work. First off, I have to tell you this is my first review of the day so I'm a bit rusty after not doing any reviews all weekend. Also, everything said is either a praise or a suggestion so take them or ignore them at your leisure. To avoid confusion, corrections are done in red and rewrites [according to my thoughts and the way I would write] are done in blue.
Grammar:
I didn't see any grammar mistakes, although I am sure someone else could find something :/ I'm not all that great on grammar and everything though, so I'll let someone else take care of that!
Plot:
Short stories have always been hard for me since the plot is difficult to get right in such a short span of words but I must confess, you did magnificently on this short, it is a very powerful and impacting piece!
Characters:
I love your characters and so much character development goes on in such a short amount of words! I can sympathize with the boy, Davey, which is always good!
Beyond that, no nitpicks! This is such a great piece!
Write on!
~Luata
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