z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Absolute - Chapter 5

by Vervain


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

-text removed-


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Donate
Sun Sep 27, 2015 8:53 am
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello Arkhaion, steampowered here for a review this fine Review Day! I haven’t read the other chapters, but as I read through this I felt like it explained enough of the preceding plot to work as a standalone chapter. So that’s how I’ll review it. :)

He studied the patterns on the oval tabletop, red and black diamonds on stark white, and decided that whoever decorated the Alamo thought all Native Americans were Navajo.


OK, so I don’t know if Elijah is of Native American heritage or not, but assuming he’s not this is a really, really great way to show the reader how intellectual he is. Reading this, I got a kind of impression that he might be one of those reclusive, slightly obnoxious, rather pedantic intellectuals – the sort whose favourite word is “ignoramus”. But I’m not totally sure about that, of course.

They looked about as real as a kindergarten teacher in the classroom.


Personally, I didn’t like your word choice here because I found the meaning was slightly confusing. Would “genuine” be a stronger word than “real”?

I’m not totally sure how the aliens are speaking English, but I guess that’s a feature of every alien story ever. Maybe one of the aliens who’s been on Earth for a long time could act as translator, but that might interfere with the flow of the story.

Also, I know I wouldn’t be asking this if I’d read the previous chapters, but are Kitty and Mavon the same character?

You make use of a few alien tropes (like the speaking English thing) but this story still feels creative and original – carried along somewhat, I feel, by the good characterisation. Your writing style is excellent, so I don’t have anything to say about that – in fact, the only thing I can really advise you to do is to never stop writing!




User avatar
125 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 125

Donate
Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:23 pm
Songmorning wrote a review...



Wow, Andi has a temper.

Oops! So Elijah's a problem now? What made Mavon decide that the best course of action would be to have him meet Andi? Did she know he had the bookmark? I've looked back at Chapter 2, and it seems that she must have accidentally put it in the cup with all the other bookmarks at some point. Considering that, I suppose she was going to lose it anyway, so at least it was Elijah who picked it up and no one else. It certainly doesn't look like she manipulated events to purposely get the bookmark in his hands. Perhaps she realized she lost it, and then when Elijah came in the next morning talking about aliens, she guessed he had been the one to pick it up.

Don't grow weary of continually laying on little descriptions of Andi's sparkliness! After a time, you might be tempted to say, "Eh, the reader knows what they look like," and stop repeating the descriptions. But as a reader, I can testify that those constant reminders are what makes them.

Andi is brilliant, knowledgeable, and observant.

Andi is so graceful.

"Struck by the particular eloquence of his thought process at the moment, Elijah followed it onto the next obvious monosyllabic question."
The particular eloquence of his thought process at the moment. Never change this sentence. I LOVE this sentence. It's full of so much implied meaning that you could almost put together what that eloquent thought process was without reading any further.

Dating for thirteen years? That's a long time to date. They need to get married. :) I'm looking forward to meeting Nick.

When Mavon said, "The government knows about us,"...she meant the United States government, right? o_O

And, of course, as usual, so many of your sentences and analogies made me laugh out loud. I love your writing style.





It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian