Published September 11, 2011
Chapter 1 Pt.2
it is very very short i know. My next chapter should be up in a few days. Depends on my schedule.
"We should get going." Noah threw Julie her backpack, and slug his over his shoulder. Julie walked out of the room and down the stairs.
"What's the rush?"
"I wanna get this day over with," she mumbled. He herd the anger in her voice. By the time he had gotten out side, she was already in his car.
"They attacked us, they killed our family, they tried to kill us, but he risked his life for Derek and me." She stared at the door way.
"If it wasn't for Noah....him and...his family..took me in, and I have to repay them." She looked at Noah, and knew he was concerned about her. His eyes told her.
"Julie." He grabbed her hand.
"What are we going to do about Kosen?" she asked.
"It's okay, my dad is head of the committee...they won't attack us..."
"You haven't told her aye," a soft gentle voice said in his head.
"I can't."
"If you don't tell her-"
"All I can do is protect her-"
"She will not hate you,"
"Vampires are what killed her friends, and her family"
"A group of evil,foal,bloodthirsty vampires."
"But, I am a bloodthirsty vampire."
"But, you can control yourself. You are also a victim of thier attack."
Noah looked down at his hand holding Julie's.
"All I can do is protect her."
"Ready?" he asked Julie. She nodded.
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140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hey,
I enjoyed you're style of writing and I got drew in! Though you made a slight spelling mistake: he herd the anger in her voice... I think it should be he heard the anger in her voice! Hehe, no matter. Just remember to re-read carefully the things you put on before you post them!
Love,
Evenslily xxx
Yes! I got first comment! Woot!
Alright, so I'm not really into vampires, so I won't be much help with your plot. But I do have one thing to point out:
This part is kind of confusing because at times he looks like he's talking out loud. So I would suggest putting it all in italics. Of course that would confuse the read as to which voice is "his". So I would try putting a bit of description after the words. Something like
I can't I argued back
or
She will not hate you the voice assured me.
And also, "foal" should be "foul" unless you're referring to a baby horse XD
So I hope I helped at least a little bit.
Keep writing!
~Dragonette