Published April 1, 2010
This is a paragraph I was supposed to write for my English class. I want to see if it's any good.
The perfect place to live is the city of Haven, which exists only in a child’s dreams. It can be many different things, a castle in the Middle Ages, a space colony, anything the dreamer wishes. My version of Haven is a technological paradise. If you need food, you just say what you want, and the food of your choice will pop out of a hole in the wall. At birth you are implanted with a knowledge chip, which has K-Senior grades of learning. Video games have advanced so that, you sit in a chair for two seconds, and you have lived an entire life in virtual world. There are no cars or spaceships, but for transportation there are teleporters that take you to wherever you want. That is the city of Haven in my dreams, the perfect place to live.
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Hmm... I could try to continue it. It was a one-paragraph assignment, but i will continue it and put it on YWS. Enjoy!
It is so creative and I couldn't find any errors. keep writing. Are you continuing it?
Hey Aristotle, Stella here!
As this is a paragraph, it's a little short to do a full scale review on, so I'm just going to give you my general opinion, if that's alright with you.
Okay, firstly, your first line. Was this paragraph entitled "The Perfect Place to Live?" Because I'm sure if it was that you could come up with something more interesting than "The perfect place to live is..." Think how many of these your poor English teacher has to mark- wouldn't they want to see something original?
After that, you describe a city that is different to everyone. Well, of course, the image of perfection is different to everyone. So why say that? Why not just spend more time on your own vision, rather than explaining this? It's just a bit odd to talk about how perfection is different to anyone, then go on and describe your own.
For the rest, I just feel like you could make it a bit more exciting. You just told us about it. Mess with sentence structure, with transitions, with word choice, stop each sentence being like the last one. The information you're conveying is cool, but the way which you're doing is totally boring. Jazz it up! Whether you're showing examples or making a transition. Instead of talking about video games then going onto cars, try something like "When you finally get tired of the virtual worlds and decide to return to your own, the teleporters all over the city can take you wherever you want." Except better.
Basically, it's good, but it could be so much better.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x