Published October 15, 2010
It was a sunny day in late spring. The park that would one day be called Discovery National Park was empty. I looked at Chris, and then at Chrissie. They both gave me encouraging glances, as if to reassure me (and themselves) that this wasn't totally crazy. Jacob knows it is. Even though he's my brother, he doesn't believe in our Project, and was only there because I bribed him.
"I'm not responsible for this, Gen, you know that." Jacob said. I couldn't reply, so I nodded. I was just too nervous. Chris checked his computer.
"The conditions are right. Ready, Chrissie?"
"Booting up Code Lazarus. And... online!" Chrissie's reply was energetic, almost to the point of making me want to strangle her. She was just my best friend. She didn't know what I had planned. Because what I had planned was crazy. I gestured to Jacob. And he pulled the trigger.
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141,721 Literary Works • 675,616 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay, looks like two brothers that are about to do something of a bit of a questionable legality and one brother is clearly being forced to support it, well I suppose bribing isn't necessarily forcing but it does seem that said brother is at least unwilling to participate in it without being given extra incentive. This certain raises some fun questions right away and I love to see that at the start of a prologue like this. We get some nice little hints about the personalities of the two as a bonus as well.
Aaand so the third person is a friend I see who simply doesn't seem to know what is happening but is going through with it anyway, so it looks like this thing they're doing is most certainly not a good one. Also that trigger at the end makes me feel like they just tied up a loose end in poor Chrissie there although it could very well have something to do with whatever the computer thing is so...some nice ambiguity there to a pretty nicely done cliffhanger here at the end. Overall, I think, you've come up with a pretty solid prologue, I'm certainly interested enough to want to read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is actually from the middle/end of the book. The narrator (Gen)is talking about this event after it happened.
Sorry for the Double pOst!
Look it up in The Bible. *Hint Hint*
I like the idea's you present in this, but it's just too vague to give a critique on. Please PM me if you write more because it is certainly intriguing. I know a prologue isn't meant to give too much away, but I agree that this is maybe too short even for a prologue.
I want to find out what Code Lazarus does though!
Hiya Aristotle, PenNPaper here
I would like to say that I liked your story, your style of writing. However, I really wanted to read more. Even for a prologue, this is probably still to short. There are still many questions left unanswered.
For example:
Was the narrator from the future, how did he know that the park would be called Discovery National Park in the future?
What is this Project? Why didn't the narrator's brother believe it?
Code Lazarus, what is this? Is Lazarus a name? Who created this code?
If you could answer this questions, your story would probably be longer and also more interesting.
Bye!
Hello Aristotle! (Never thought I'd see or hear myself say that!)
I have a few suggestions just to make it have even more impact to your readers. Those will be in green.
Because this is a prologue, and a very short one at that, I don't have too much to say plotwise or even stylewise. However, I can address a few things.
The last sentence was a cliff-hanger which are great for making readers want to read more. And I can truthfully say that it left me wondering what happened after he pulled the trigger. The entire passage is too short and vague for me to draw much more from that, but overall I say good job.
As you can see, I spaced out the sentences a bit more, to give them "breathing room". It felt a little cramped which hindered the reading. Usually when I start new paragraphs (which is what happens when you switch to another person in either dialogue or description--mostly dialogue though) I add an extra space to further solidify the separation between the two. It makes things less cramped. But since this is only a prologue, the way you have it is fine. There were a few verb tense problems and fixed those. The repetition of the word 'planned' in two consecutive sentences irked me, so I changed it to 'in mind' instead. It gives you a bit more variety. Also, when you are doing dialogue you need to use a comma to separate the spoken words from the description of the speaker. You can't use a period, quote mark, and then 'said'. It has to be like this [ word," said person. ]. Do you get it?
Well, I suppose that's it. You have a very interesting story premise here, and I hope you post more because I'm very curious as to what that trigger is attached to--be it gun or otherwise.
Happy Writing!
Bailey