Published April 17, 2010
Smells of the Ocean
I stand on the boardwalk.
I smell everything.
I smell sea-salt,
French fries,
and saltwater taffy.
I walk down to the beach and smell more.
I smell the seagulls and the water,
I feel the spray on my face.
I lay down on my blanket,
And I think about these things,
That I smell.
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Hi Aristotle. Lovely imagery. You should totally continue on this. It flows nicely.
Nitpick:
I don't like how "that I smell" is seperated from these things. It sounds a bit funky when they are two different lines. Could you maybe take it out or put it with "and I think about these things". Also, "And" should be lowercase, it's still part of the sentence. I hate when microsoft word does that!
Thank you for the trip to the beach.
-Crescent
This was a good start for a poem. I agree with the above comments about starting sentences with "I" to often. Change it up! You don't want to bore the reader! About the sixth line down, where you say "and I smell more", I think it could be written better. It reads slightly awkward saying "I smell more". Maybe you could say how you take in the smells and you could even add more imagery. The basis of what you are trying to say is good, just more details about the things you smell could be even better, such as how the food or salt actually smells. You could even add how these things make you feel. Lastly, I feel as though the last line wasn't entirely necessary. If you just leave the last line as "And I think about these things" it makes a bit more of an impact. Keep writing!!
This is a nice idea, and I like some of your lines. I agree with BlueRaspberry about starting every line with 'I'. I also think that you should either focus on one sense, which I thought you were doing because of your title, or if you're going to do all senses (which you started to do e.g. I feel the spray on my face), then you should commit to doing all of them. I think you have to choose between the two. I hope this makes sense, PM me if anything isn't clear.
Keep writing!
Sophie
Well, It's pretty good. I really like your ideas and creativity. I also like the flow of the poem.
But, I really do not like all the "i"'s at the beginnings of the lines. It gives the piece a boring, interview-like feel when it is supposed to have an emotional, poem-like feel.
So, when you're writing future poems, think more about the beginnings of the lines, especially the first line, to catch and draw in the reader to the rest of the poem.
BlueRaspberry