The reflection of sunset off of oak tree leaves. Golden green, emerald. Buds of hot pink flowers that are just barely blooming. Like a small fire condensed in shards of lime-green glass. Air that smells like a partially open bag of raspberry cotton candy is sitting in front of your face. Soft breezes that blow past like a casual smoker’s cloud. The ice cream truck down the block calls the kids. The quick pitter-pattering of wet feet taking short footsteps on cement pool decks echos through the neighborhood. The parents are chatting with each other under gazebos, shielded from the blazing sun descending from the horizon. I’m lying in a patch of grass that could use a trim, right next to the empty swing set. I can hear Michael Jackson tracks spinning on our old stereo off in the distance. This is the kind of night I’ve been waiting for all year. This is the kind of sweet shit they illustrate in love songs.
I stare at the few misty clouds that drift over in the sky above me. The baby blue hue of it has dissolved under the onset of night. I turn over to my side. “Jacob! Get over here.” Jacob’s on the pool deck. I caught him as he was shaking out his curly hair. Everybody else had blonde or light brown hair matted to their heads from getting wet. Jacob shook a shower of water droplets off his head and looked up at me. You wouldn’t be able to tell that he was just winning the cannonball contest, unless you payed mind to how his skin glistened like a just-opened jar of Nutella. He jogged over to me.
“What’s up?” He looks relaxed, but a little excited. He’s huffing from running around like a happy puppy for the past hour and his eyes are big, like always when he looks at me. “I’m really bored. I wanna talk to you”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Heyo Ari!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get started, now, shall we?
I would probably start a new paragraph here, since you're describing the main character's description now. Also, don't you lie "on" a patch of grass instead of lying "in" a patch of grass?
Wouldn't that bold word - payed - be "paid", instead? Or maybe it's a different spelling of the same word. But I'm a 100% sure that it is definitely supposed to be "paid". At least, that's how I would write it.
Okay, so over here, you need a period at the end. Also, you don't quite make it clear that who's talking. So maybe start a new paragraph and tell us who is.
Now, overall, this story is great! The description you give is outstanding. And your word choice? Don't even get me started. It's amazing! Anyhoo, my review is over. I hope this helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Hello,
So I like to start my reviews off with a summary: The main character is sitting outside during a sunset. They see a boy, Jacob who they want to hang out with.
"I caught him as he was shaking out his curly hair. Everybody else had blonde or light brown hair matted to their heads from getting wet. Jacob shook a shower of water droplets off his head and looked up at me. You wouldn’t be able to tell that he was just winning the cannonball contest, unless you payed mind to how his skin glistened like a just-opened jar of Nutella. He jogged over to me."----So let's talk about this section. I believe DougalOfBiscuits said he was TOO PERFECT and that was distracting, which I don't agree with. This is first person, people exaggerate description of people they like. That being said the line "You wouldn’t be able to tell that he was just winning the cannonball contest, unless you payed mind to how his skin glistened like a just-opened jar of Nutella." is distracting. Because it insinuates that the audience would totally be able to tell he won a cannonball contest if they saw he was wet--which you can't. So I would cut the cannonball contest part of that sentence. Also what does it mean to glisten like a fresh jar of nutella? Like, I understand that means he's dark skinned, but if he's wet from the cannonball contest... Its a metaphor that doesn't line up quite right.
Hi there, welcome to day two of this month's Team Tortoise attempt!
Nit-picks:
The repetition of 'of' sounds in this sentence doesn't flow all that well. The sentence is perfectly fine grammatically, it just trips up the reader's inner voice a bit.
Probably want to take a new paragraph when you've moved from wider setting to the introduction of the main POV character.
"illustrate" is a bit of a formal sounding word for a sentence that otherwise sounds casual.
You're missing a full stop, and you should probably take a new paragraph here to make it clear who's talking.
Overall:
Some of your word choice and sentence construction is outstanding. You get all the typical images associated with this sort of night, which makes it feel familiar and cosy, even beyond the initial cosiness of the actual images being described. You also for the most part, other than the instance I highlighted, weave more unusual words in with more common words very well.
I think you maybe go a bit overboard with your description of Jacob. He's a human person, not a god (I assume. I have read a lot of Neil Gaiman recently though so my mind is open). He just seems a bit perfect, which makes it hard to engage with the story in a serious way. My reaction is more like an ironic chuckle.
I also don't quite understand why you posted this so early in the process? This is quite far from being finished, and you're going to have to spend the points to post it again when it is if you want more green room reviews. However, you could be posting this then posting another part. Still, this is still very small to be a single part posted to the site. I'd recommend about 1000-1500 words at a time.
Hope this helps, and never lose your style,
Biscuits