Young Writers Society

For some ridiculous reason I felt like this poem would be such a great idea for satire. If you could use the same thing about not being able to sleep and other mental health you could change the imagery to that of a circus or maybe a failing circus. Like changing the ending where it says the cat scratched you to “The lion cub stretched me. / The circus maned money-making lion had been dead for years and the lioness had not since had a cub.”

This is really, really random and I apologise for that but I just feel you’ve just stated everything to us and making it almost into a failing circus show could add some originality.

You could even do allegory and start the poem by saying “The clowns don’t sleep at night.” or change the line “My eyes grow heavy and red as the clock ticks on.” to “Clowns with madeup, crazy faces dripping tears like rivers through the white paint like sunset flickering through the polar bear’s fur.”

I just had that “da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da” tempo in my mind. That could even be the rhythm. I swear at this point if you don’t think it’s a good idea tell me and I’ll try write my own version.

Hello Ari!

I'm Spark and I'm here to review your poem today

I really like where this poem is going and I think you have some really solid stuff in here. I do think there are some clunky wording things here and there, but overall your thought and imagery is clear and communicates the tone and voice you seem to be going for.

My first comment would be that I would remove the quotes at the beginning. They're a little extraneous, and it lacks the imagery the rest of the poem has. I think if you started with "I lean my head...", you would have a much more effective beginning that really starts with a bang. I would also remove the three lines at the end for the same reason.

Some of the metaphors you use could do with a little more individuality. It's pretty easy to rely on the type of imagery we hear and see in our lives because it's so easy to relate to and understand. Luckily, with poetry, bending the rules and making your own connections and images is the one of the best parts. I'll give you some examples of what I'm talking about within your own poem, but for places to look for examples of unique perspective on imagery and motifs, you can work on building individual lines that describe a feeling, object, experience, etc. If you start collecting one liners, with the intent to stretch yourself with metaphor— and I mean really stretch yourself, make connections and lines that *don't* make sense, eventually that new perspective will start to shift into your larger poems as well.

Another way to experiment with metaphors is to try and write from other people's experience and perspective. It's a great exercise in flexibility of thinking.

Places I think could do with a little sprucing concerning this below:

listening to the static that fills my brain

howling in my ears like rabid wolves.

Watching the little people on the screen as they dance back and forth,

words pouring from their mouths like rain.

Bruises turn my skin into leopard's fur

Because physical pain is simple

A surface-level sensation that goes away as quickly as it came

But if I do, the static will have to stop

until they come

and shatter the quiet like glass

shards fly into the sides of my skull.

But they smash my bricks to pieces

And bend my hinges into mangled lumps of metal

Until I sit there in the wreckage...

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying try to build walls, to find a room that I can lock myself inside

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to build walls, to find a room that I can lock myself inside

and just be me

without them.

I squeeze my eyes shut
trying to build walls
to find a room that I can lock myself inside

Until I sit there in the wreckage,
hands clamped over my head
as the winds swirl around me

Sunflower here for a quick review!

So this poem was absolutely wonderful and your use of words was perfect. It felt so genuine and real that it was almost painful reading the last lines, which reminded me all to much of conversations with my friends which often ended with lots of crying(They're doing better now).

"Hours trailing by like ribbons caught in a stream."
To start off less depressing I wanted to say I really like this line, it just felt so dreamy (like in the unrea way if that makes any sense)

"I should sleep.

But if I do, the static will have to stop

The earbuds will come out, and it'll be nothing but silence

silence

silence

until they come

and shatter the quiet like glass

shards fly into the sides of my skull."

This bit was my favorite it just felt exactly what it's like trying to convince myself to go to sleep, but remembering that's when thoughts run rampant. Your already wonderful poem was heightened by the fact I'm listening to music that matches perfectly (Phoebe Bridgers).

Over all I like how real your poem feels. I also hope you're doing alright, I know how shitty life can be and how hard it can be to think you deserve better, but you do. I'm just a stranger on the internet but I really do hope you get the help you need (if this is based off you're experiance of course).

Thanks for letting me review your work, have a great day/night, bye. <3

Best wishes from Sunflower

Hey Ari! Compared to other SH related stuff, this is actually quite short and simple. A little scary, but I wouldn't consider it horror, like you tagged. In fact, I find it quite sad. If you're going through something like this, I'm very sorry. All the people here are very supportive and nice, so I hope you can get through whatever it is that you're going through. <3

"Why do you stay up so late?"

"You should go to sleep. You've got school in the morning!"

"Take your earbuds out and go to bed."

I lean my head against my pillow, listening to the static that fills my brain

My eyes grow heavy and red as the clock ticks on

Hours trailing by like ribbons caught in a stream.

I should sleep.

But if I do, the static will have to stop

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to build walls, to find a room that I can lock myself inside

and just be me

without them.

But they smash my bricks to pieces

And bend my hinges into mangled lumps of metal

Because physical pain is simple

It's nothing but a dull ache

A surface-level sensation that goes away as quickly as it came

"What happened to your arms?"

"My cat scratched them."

I don't have a cat.