I need you now

This is a great piece. The flow of it is great. I feel, however, that maybe you could have included a bit more specific material. This poem could have been about anything, up until the final line. It seems as if it supposed to be a love poem, but it doesn't turn into one until the final line. Also, I was a bit confused by "Cause I can't live it down anymore,". Maybe, just maybe, you could add more detail there. You might want it to be vague, which, as a poetic choice I respect. However, you can still have it be vague, while having the reader understand the situation a bit better.

If you just add in a few details, I think this could be even more amazing than it already is.

Great job, and keep on writing!

Hey Areeba,

I felt like this poem needed some work with creating things that were specific. Having a poem that is too broad is dangerous because people want to read about details. What's the latest gossip, who's telling us this, how much did the robber get from the store at the end of the street? Details are one thing that people really want to read.

So we start out in this poem with the sun, and the wind, and the world, but why? I would suggest narrowing this down to nature more specific to your area, like trees, streets, and buildings. These types of things will make people feel like they can relate to the poem better.
Someone once told me that as an author I have to be a director of what is going on. I have also learned from a communications class that the wide pan out shots are meant to give us a feeling of vast never-ending lands and show us how small our characters are in the grand scheme of things, overwhelm them. Well, if that was what you were going for, the picture would be better painted with a vengeful scene instead of something completely quiet. The quietness of the world does lend itself well to the contrast of this individual in pain though.

That being said, how about we take a look at our main character. They're sitting alone somewhere they can see the sky, the birds, and they're holding nothing.

I'm not quite sure how the water's freezing cold when the birds are out and about because I always think of them as migrating, but some birds do stick around, so I'll give you that with a caution that your earlier description makes it sound like they're sitting in a nice warm park, along with talking about the wind and the sleeping world. There's nothing to indicate snow, fall, or winter, in order to grasp this picture.

The main character has a lover? I'm really confused what this poem is about when I hear that. I understand that he was feeling lonely and depressed, but who was this person that he spoke to at the end? I would rather have some concrete details and just allow him to wallow in his self-pity in this poem to get the real feeling of it than listen to him call out to some unknown stranger.

Overall, I think you should work on writing just either about the girl who's missing, or the guy and his plight. Separating the two of them and fleshing out what is going on, where they are, and who they are for the reader will really help give us something to root for.

Hi areeba, welcome to the site. Some of my advice:

-"The sun is dropping, it looks tired,
The wind is all but gone,"
--Okay, you have some imagery here, but it's not the most inventive images. I mean, how many times has someone said the words "the sun is dropping". I think if you want to have the image of a sleeping world, you'll need to come up with something a little bit different than the language you have, which is a bit plain.

-"I watch the sky as it darkens,
The water as it calms,
I watch the birds returning home,"
--Again, all stuff we've seen before and it's kind of boring. While the tone of your poem is gloomy, you can still find some images that portray the feelings of the narrator. Try to experiment with some metaphors.

-"And then I look at my empty palms"
--This sentence sort of threw me out of your poem and not in a good way. I'm not sure what it's trying to evoke, emptiness perhaps, but it wasn't a terribly good way to do it.

-"It's too black for night,
And too silent for hell,"
--These are some interesting lines that try to get a little poignancy, but be careful not to overdo it.

-"And the water's freezing cold too,"
-Good, it's good to have such sense data in the poem, but again I would try to make it stand out some more.

-All right, to my brain this is one of those suicide-lover poems, which can be done, but it's really really difficult. You have shown that you can put some thought into this poem, surely, but I really highly suggest that you experiment more with other topics before coming back to this one. Why? Death poetry is hard, even for the pros and it is one of those topics that has been done to--wait for it--death. It's not that you couldn't write a good poem like that, it's just that there is so much of it out there that no one really wants to read that kind of poetry.

Profundity can come from other topics in poetry as well. Feel free to let me know if I can answer any questions.