The knife whizzed through the air.
Fourteen year old Kassidy Lawrence smiled in satisfaction as it landed in the middle of the bullseye.
At that moment, a door opened several yards away, and a boy of about twelve stuck his head out.
"Kass, Mom said to tell you that dinner's ready!" He called.
Kassidy rolled her eyes, muttering something about not being hungry, and sheathed her knife. She grabbed her quiver of arrows and bow that were leaning against a tree, and headed inside.
She came into the house, un-buckling her knife belt. She put it, along with her bow and quiver, into her room. She stepped into the kitchen.
"Hi, Kass," Lori said, smiling at her daughter.
Kassidy gave her mother a polite nod of the head, and glared at her brother.
She sat down. "Mom...I'm sorry, but I'm just not hungry. May I go out? Please?"
Lori nodded. "Please be back before dark, though," she called after her retreating daughter.
"I will, Mom!" Kassidy retrieved her black hoodie from her room, zipping it. She slung her backpack over her shoulders, grabbed her knife, and headed outside.
The air was cool, and the wind whipped her hair around, blowing it in her face.
"Darn," she muttered, pushing her hair back into her hoodie. She put her belt on as she walked, heading toward her bike. Climbing onto it, she headed for her favourite place only a few miles away; the woods. She knew them like the back of her hand, even as big as they were.
She'd been going there for years, and neither her mother or Josh, her brother, knew that she'd ever been there.
It had always been a private place for her to escape to from every day, frustrating life.
No one else ever went there, and she found it to be peaceful and quiet.
The wind was blowing against her, making it harder for her to pedal.
She arrived some time later, stepping from her bike, and parking it just in the bushes where no one could see it from the road. She sighed, breathing heavily.
It was autumn, and the weather was getting colder and colder.
She sat sown, leaning against a tree, and pulled off her backpack. Sheltered from the wind, she took out a notebook and pencil, and began sketching the trees around her.
After a while, she put the notebook in her pants pocket, and sat back against the tree, closing her eyes. Without even meaning to, Kassidy fell asleep.
She woke up several hours later.
"Oh, just wonderful," she muttered sarcastically, rubbing her eyes. "Mom's just going to be so pleased with me."
She stood up, briefly stretched her legs, and picked up her backpack.
She glanced down at her wristwatch as she mounted her bike.
It was already nine-thirty PM.
"Mom's just going to skin me alive." The wind had died down somewhat, and she peddled quickly. She arrived back with fifteen minutes, stuck her bike in the shed, and rushed into the house.
Lori was sitting on the couch, sipping coffee.
Kassidy smiled innocently at her, and started for the stairs, but was stopped by a voice: "Kassidy Ann Lawrence."
Kassidy gulped. Her mother only called her that when she was in trouble.
Kassidy turned around. "Yeah, Mom?"
"Don't 'yeah Mom' me," Lori said sternly. "I told you yo be back before dark. Do you know what time it is?"
Kassidy sighed in exasperation.
"I know, Mom. I'm sorry. I guess I just lost track of the time." She started to walk up the stairs
"And Kassidy--if it happens again, you're grounded."
"Okay, Mom. It won't happen again."
Kassidy walked up the stairs, running her fingers through her hair in exasperation.
She changed in her pyjamas, brushed out her hair, and climbed into bed.
Although she had been tired before, she couldn't fall asleep, no matter how hard she tried. Finally, she sat up, turned on her lamp, and pulled out a book. Sitting cross-legged, she read.
After a couple hours of reading, she found her eyes begin to droop.
She closed the book, set it back on her dresser, and turned off the lamp.
Lying down, she pulled the covers over herself, and soon fell fast asleep.
Kassidy woke up to the loud and annoying blaring of her alarm clock. She slammed her hand down over the OFF button, and slowly climbed from her bed, yawning.
Pulling out a pair of blue jeans and a dark green shirt, she began getting ready for school.
She put on a dark blue denim jacket, put on her brown shin-high boots, and headed for the kitchen.
Lori smiled from the table. "Good morning, Kass. Where's Josh?"
Kassidy shrugged. "Probably still in bed, as usual," she said nonchalantly, as she poured her cereal. She was just finishing when her brother rushed down the stairs, strapping his backpack on as he ran.
"Mom, I'm sorry I'm late. My alarm clock didn't go off."
"Just like you," Kassidy said, shooting a 'this happens every school day' look, and heading for the door.
Josh followed after her. The two went into the shed, pulled out their bikes, and rode toward school.
It seemed like such a normal day for Kassidy. But so much lay ahead that she had no idea of. So much that at the moment, she would never have thought even to be slightly possible.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi, I'm new to this site and I am glad that your story is one of this first I have read!
I like the path that this story is heading down, but I feel that it could be a bit more descriptive. Instead of telling us she is in the forest, you could paint the scene for the reader, describe how the air feels, the crisp, vibrant colors of autumn leaves scattered across the ground and hanging onto the trees. You could describe the relationship between Kassidy and her brother, which I do like the glaring and things like that to show a teasing relationship. Also, the first sentence could be expanded and probably a paragraph if you add a bit on how she feels throwing knifes, which would develop the character's personality.I think for the last paragraph, you could maybe foreshadow a little more on what is to happen, but i love the last sentence! I love how it is planned out, but i think that if you really get to describing and making the story visible in your head, It would be longer and expand where the story could go. I can't wait to see where you take this story because I love your idea!
Hi there! Welcome to the site! I hope you enjoy your time here ^_^
These sentences can easily be combined into one paragraph. They're all talking about one event: Kassidy throwing this knife. It really doesn't need to be broken into paragraphs like this. Since it is, it feels choppy and doesn't flow very well. Sometimes short paragraphs are good, like if you want to emphasize something or make it suspenseful. I'm all for them (I use them a lot in my writing), but at the beginning of a novel, it's better to establish the flow. Then you can start messing around with paragraph lengths and things like that.
Also, I don't know if it's really necessary to include Kassidy's last name here. There are always other times when her last name can be introduced. It's a all up to you though so keep it. I'm just pointing out that it's a bit different. A first name works just fine
Aw man, you missed a great opportunity to give us some descriptions here! I get that she's outside shooting her bow and arrow, but what is it like outside? She's obviously close to her house because her brother was able to come out to tell her dinner was ready. If she was off hiding deep in the woods somewhere, he probably wouldn't have even bothered to tell her. So what does it look like out here? Are there woods? Or is this the only tree close by? Is their yard so small that sometimes Kassidy accidentally shoots an arrow into the neighbor's yard and they get mad? There are so many different options! Use that to your advantage and really show us what kind of place Kassidy lives. It'll also give us some clues about her life too. Like if she has a big backyard she might live in the country. If she has a small backyard she might live in the city. You know, those subtle clues authors put in there that the readers pick up on.
I feel like this is all moving a bit too fast. Here Kassidy comes in to sit at the table and then all of the sudden she's leaving, without even getting up from the table
Yesssss! The part about her in the woods is great! That's the kind of character development that I look for in novels/stories. I like seeing that little piece of someone that might not mean much to us, but means the world to them. Like the woods. Someone might read that and think, "Oh, she likes the woods. That's cool I guess." But when Kassidy thinks of the woods, she thinks of all the peace and quiet she gets and just how much she loves it. It's all about her. And you did a good job telling us why the woods are so important to us. That's the kind of stuff I've been looking for from you since the beginning of this chapter. You have it in you! You just have to spread the love to the rest of the chapter
Ooooh, the ending definitely has me interested. Not that I wasn't interested before, of course ^_^ I was reading through this, wondering what the point of it was (not in a mean way, I'm talking about where it fits into the plot) and then I reach the end. This is just a look into Kassidy's life. Things are going to get bad soon, I assume :3, and everything is going to change. *rubs hands together* Boy is this going to be fun.
Overall I think this is a decent start. I only say that because there's so much that you could've done with this chapter and you didn't take advantage. I see loads of potential here. The descriptions you wrote about the wind and the weather are good. I know that you can take that and use it in the opening scene and also when they're in the house. We still don't know what Lori or Josh look like. We also don't know if Kassidy's father is in the picture. That might not be super important in the first chapter, but it's a nice piece of information to know eventually. Probably sooner than later though.
We get a good look at Kassidy's life in this chapter. We know things about her. She is good with weapons, especially a knife and bow and arrow, likes to draw, isn't afraid to be out on her own after dark, and has a less than perfect relationship with her mother. But really, who doesn't? Anyway, it's nice to see these things about her. The first chapter is the first time we get to see the main character, and at that moment we want to know everything about them. There isn't much really that we learn here about Kassidy, but we learn enough for now. It's a good start.
Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'll be happy to read more
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
@Noelle you absolutely made my day with that post!
Everybody on here has been so amazing and so helpful, and just as soon as I possibly can, I'm going to change a lot of things you guys have pointed out to me.
Thank you so much for your long comment, it was extremely helpful and useful.
Thanks for reading, too.
@fruit4you: Thank you for your comment, as well!
It was really helpful, too!
--Irisse
Fruit4you here!
I love where the story is going, but your writing is the slightest bit mundane. That can be fixed with better vocabulary and different ways to write sentences other than "She did that." or "She did this." Also you had some repetition in your chapter. Maybe instead of always saying she at the beginning of most of your sentences maybe use her name more often, and or rewrite the sentences. For example, "Billy was eating a piece of delicious cake. He really enjoyed the icing." could become "The piece of velvety cake erupted with chocolaty goodness as Billy bit into it, and the sugary icing made his taste buds tingle with excitement and gratitude." I mean that's just something random, but do you see? I'd rather be shown the story than just told it. You have good dialogue, but I'd like you to improve on your imagery. Your story is heading in the right direction. You also have good actions. I can see what is going on with your actions, but still would like a more versatile vocabulary and a more robust set of imagery. I hope you continue to write and take head to the advice your fellow young writers have given to you.
Keep on writing,
Fruit4you
Hey Aredhe and welcome to Young Writers Society!
You have a nice write going here! For the most part, I I think that it has potential to expand into something very intriguing and adventurous for the reader. The main character (Kassidy) was very likable and very easy to relate to and I liked how simple the beginning was. However, there are a few things that I personally found distasteful in this chapter. For instance, I didn't like how simplistic and plain the writing here was. I was expecting the writing to somehow set the mood of the story and make the reader feel the mystical atmosphere that most fantasies have. Maybe you plan on adding that later or maybe this is intentional, but I thought I should bring it to your attention. This piece also doesn't have that hook that captures the reader's attention and makes them curious enough to want to continue further into the story. Sure, the ominous ending was a nice touch that suggested possible foul play in the future for Kassidy, but there was nothing in the beginning or middle that really interests the reader enough. Secondly, I feel like you didn't take the time to pace yourself as you wrote this. Time seems to be speeding up very quickly throughout the progression of the chapter so it makes the story seem rushed and skippy. And without a hook, the chapter itself is uneventful and not very interesting. Third, you haven't taken the time to describe the scenery or add any details in places I felt you needed them. For example, in the beginning when you're describing how her knife hit the target. I felt like you should've slowed down a bit and fully described how it happened. Like this: 'the knife whizzed through the air in a blurry whiz of silver as Kassidy watched in meek satisfaction. It sliced cleanly through the air and wavered a bit with its increasing speed. Finally, it struck the middle of the bull's eye with a muted thud, earning a contented smirk from its thrower.' Or something like that. Lastly, I wanted to say that the characters seem a bit two-dimensional and too cookie cutter for me. Nonetheless, I liked reading it and I hope you continue with this story! I would love to see what happens next and how Kassidy will react to new challenges in her life. Good luck with your writing and have a good night! -IceWinifredd
Hi, IceWinifredd!
Thank you for your comment.
I really love your description of the knife throwing part, or whatever.
I might steal it and change it a bit, if you don't mind.
I'll definitely try to edit this chapter, and take your advice.
Once again, thanks for taking your time to read and comment.
--Irisse
You're very welcome! I'm glad I could help you out a bit and by all means, steal it! If it works for you, then please do! See you around!
I'll certainly do that!
Thanks for you feedback!
Hi, Aredhel
First off, welcome to YWS! I have a few comments for your piece here.
As for the things I found issue with, there wasn't much technically wrong with your chapter. You stayed in voice and tense, you kept a consistent pace, and you didn't have any obvious grammatical errors. I've read the Spiderwick Chronicles and I think it's a fantastic series, so I know (more or less) where you intend to go with this. I think that this has potential, but to be completely frank, you need to give it some spice. Give us details. Describe the forest a little more. Tell us how worried her mom was. Tell us how exhilarated Kass felt throwing the knife. Because you're writing in third person, you've got so much room to explore the environment and emotions of both the main character and those around her. Mix up your structure, bulk up your paragraphs, give a little more detail, play with pacing, have some fun! Your sentences make perfect sense, but they're flat and repetitive, and it all feels the same. This chapter is very linear. I understand that the content shouldn't really be exceptionally exciting at this point, but there is a way to make even the most mundane things sound interesting. If you play around with words here and there I know you'll arrive at something fabulous. I'm very curious to see how your story unfolds, keep up the hard work!
@203739 Thank you for reading and commenting!
I will definitely take your comment into mind, and hopefully in the near future, I will be able to change or re-word the things you have pointed out.
I really appreciate your feedback. Everything helps, and like I always say, there's always room for improvement
--Irusse