episode

Ok, most of what I'm gonna say is gonna sound bad, not because I think your song is horrible, because it's anything but that, but because I really see this going somewhere. I hope that what I say will be able to help you as you continue to write in the future. So here it is.

I can't tell if you left out capitalization and punctuation out on purpose or not... But I would strongly advise that you fix that. Not many will take you seriously when you can't get your basic, elementary stuff right....

"im so cold and i am shaking" I see that you structured this to match the bottom line, but it would flow a lot smoother if you condensed it to something like "I'm cold and shaking".

"no more hope theres only shame
theres no more hope but only shame"
I get that this is meant to be song lyrics and repetition is a vital part, but this line doesn't feel like one worth repeating. Not that it's bad or anything, it's just not outstanding. I could be wrong though..since this is a song, I can't make sense of how you wanted this to sound. So you can be the judge on that.
However, most songs don't begin any repetition until the chorus...and this was done early on...

"episode" I really like how you've been listing things to describe the person's emotion, but what does 'episode' have to do with it? I can see how it would work, but it doesn't exactly fit either. In a list, one generally sticks to a common theme, know what I mean?
It's good that your chose 'episode' to be the title, though, this helps the reader understand the importance of the word. ...which is just another reason in my mind that you should add more and explain the significance behind the word.

"no one left to help me out
in the corner wont ever shout
for help"
This part of the song is pretty good. The first line is intriguing and sounds like it could have some good beat added to it, but after that it seems to fall apart. I feel like some of the words were forced and like the break was added to make it rhyme rather than sound good. And with song lyrics, you can't have any awkward breaks in sentences because it looses its ability to flow and roll off your tongue in a pleasing way.

Is it really necessary to swear?


And that's all I've got. Keep up the good work!

Haha, the short description made me laugh so here I am to review!

I think what you're getting at in this piece is a glimpse into the mind of someone who is having a mental breakdown. The "cold and i am shaking" line sounds like the speaker is in a state of shock, which is amplified by the next line where you write that they don't know what they are saying.

Going from that though, the following stanzas don't really tie into the first. You begin by painting a picture of someone who is confused, but then state that they feel shame, which is a very clear and distinct emotion. They are also able to have the foresight of mind to go outside to clear their hand, which is also not something that someone having a mental breakdown may do.

However, what gets me is the last substantive stanza "the abyss...". When I take those two lines in the context of shame, helplessness, and clearing one's head, the rest of the poem clicks. I would suggest moving it up near the top and getting rid of the "im so cold" portion.

Hey, 567ajt! FireFox here, reviewing for the Apple Dumpling Gang! (Yes, that is our name!)

Needs Improvement:
1. Grammar. I'm sure you are well aware that you have some grammar issues here. But I won't nitpick. I will leave that to those who thrive on nitpicking grammar mistakes. I prefer to get right to the meat and potatoes of the piece. Also, there may be some spelling issues, but I'm not sure since I'm not very nitpicky and, typically, spelling/grammar are things that get edited in the final version of the piece. So, no need to be too concerned with those things right now.

2. My only other complaint is that this piece is very creative and I feel that you could elaborate and make this piece longer than it is. I am a satisfied reader, being that I enjoyed the piece, but I am dissatisfied because I didn't want it to end so quickly. I wanted to know more.

Well, I don't typically review poetry, but I enjoyed this very much. I particularly like that you used profanity toward the end; I feel that it emphasizes the point that you were trying to make. Some may take offense, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It makes this piece what it is. Additionally, I like the use of the single words in between the stanzas. That is also what makes this piece what it is. It puts a lot of emphasis and emotion into what would otherwise be just another poem. Great job in my opinion!

-FireFox