Published January 19, 2012
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140,496 Literary Works • 673,253 Reviews
I liked the poem although... and this might just be me.. I didn't really understand the meaning of it, you're probably wondering how someone can like something yet not understand it, well this is how; there's much more for me to take from the poem the next time I read it. I like the last stanza and found it worthy of putting in my review
I don't know what the description has to do with the air though. The second stanza was the one that confused me the most because it started with a line from the first stanza and it doesn't make much sense to me.
But other than that nicely done short and to the point, keep writing and have a little fun with it.
Oh Adam, this is truly, really beautiful. I'm touched, I really am. What's more touching is that you had a go at writing a "happy" poem eventhough it's not what you're used to - I'm honoured that you made that effort (and you've achieved it in my eyes).
I swear, I felt my heart flutter when reading this because it's really not like you. I was expecting that sarcasm and that touch of rude you almost always put in your poetry but I loved this. I agree, I love the simplicity because (and I hope ;D) it comes from your heart, your true emotions -- without the exaggerations and dramatic expressions (that I love about your other poems).
I don't quite agree with Sear on the breaks in sentences -- I believe it's creative and artistic, not strange at all.
:3 Even if you can't really hear my laugh, I love this.
You always find a way to surprise me, pleasantly that is, and I appreciate it. <3
I really wish I could say more but I think what I have to add would be quite useless and probably just more rambling about how much I love y-- this. xD
Whether depressing or happy poems, keep writing!
Hey there Adam,
Alrighty now...nitpicks first, I suppose.
Overall nitpicks:
1. Be careful with formatting. Your punctuation should be deliberate. Capitalization should be deliberate. Where you break stanzas--this was a little awkward--and even lines in places should be absolutely deliberate.
2. Don't be afraid to use common literary devices (I'm thinking metaphor). In this sort of poem, when I try to write specimens like this, I usually try to give my voice something of a tender edge, a caress of the words. Try to put that into your voice here. Try to sound soft.
Overall compliments:
1. I like what you're trying to do here. Also, I think it's really good for you to come out of your comfort zone to do this sort of writing, and that you should keep doing a balance of your usual and this sort of stuff.
2. I like that this is short and sweet, and not overly obvious about what it's trying to say without being so painfully obscure that I have no idea what's going on. I especially liked your second stanza (notice that I didn't nitpick on it). Nice job with that!
Hope this helps, nice writing!
~sarebear
AJ man! This is amazing my favourite yet! i love the simplicity yet the impact it holds!
Well done!