Remember them
Everyone one of them
More every day as I write
Emboddied in our tears
Many more will pay the price
Bravery on the front
Rain fell in their memories
And so we pay tribute
Now is the time to realise
Circle of life brings death
Equality thanks to them
Do you want to remember?
As it would be deserving for them
You should thank them for our freedom
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Hey.. this is a really lovely poem.. Such strong emotions!! I loved reading it and the message which goes in it!! It is one amazing piece of literature. literally reminded me of My 8th grade history book when we read about the freedom struggle!! It was awesome!!
Harshita:)
This is gorgeous
. You did a great job, and it rings true with amazing patriotism. The punctuation however, is terrible. But that's what I'm here to try and fix
. Here's what I'd do:
Remember them,
Everyone one of them.
More every day as I write.This seems off to me. This is the only place you refer to yourself, and it takes away from the tone of the poem. Maybe you could try something more along the lines of "More and more every day."
Embodied in our tears,
Many more will pay the price.
Bravery on the front.
Rain fell in their memories, This doesn't fit. It's the only thing so far that hasn't fit, but it just doesn't work. Reread it a few times, and try to see if there's something else you could make fit here.
And so we pay tribute.
Now is the time to realize;
Circle of life brings death.
Equality thanks to them.I don't like this ending to this stanza. It would make more sense if you said something like "Equality thanks to the death." Or "Equality thanks to the brave." "Thanks to them" just sounds.....weak.
Do you want to remember?
As it would be deserving for them.I don't think "it" is really necessary in this line, but that's up to you
You should thank them for our freedom.
This poem is really lovely, and it's deinfaely worthy cause you are writing for. I realize it's quite hard when writing and acrostic poem to be consistent over all the letter, and you did a great job in my opinion except for the line :
I'm not quite sure what you could change it to but at the moment I'm not really a fan. Apart from that it was excellent! I'm not sure if it's possible to create a rhyming scheme in a poem, but of it is you should deffinately have a thinK about it.Good job, lest we forget.
As i said. My reviews are not the best.
I can really feel the strong emotions attached to this piece and after each line the emotions build up, which i really liked. I liked how the start of each line spell up remembrance day. Thought that gave a strong emotional effect on the piece. Overall i really liked it and i'm expecting more from ya!
~Liquid