Published July 19, 2011
Alert and alive!
Johnny stands up
Looks out of the window
Without passion or love
He never cries
He only ever stares into nothing
He once had everything
He used to have something
His mother who kissed him
His Dad was the release
To all of his problems
Setting Johnny at ease
And then his father went
To have another child
He goes blind once again
He closes his eyes
He peered through the glass
At least with his mother by his side
He won't have to spend all day
Counting all the cars by
His mother didn't like
Having to care on her own
She wanted to get away
Replacing Johnny with hope
Johnny was disintegrating
And still does today
He never goes outside
Never has anything to say
But he was once loved
Emotions drained by the flood
What mother abandons her child?
What father seeks a younger blood?
No longer awake
Johnny slumps
Crawls up in a small circle
And slowly dies inside
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139,047 Literary Works • 672,399 Reviews
Yes... I think I have interpreted this the right way and it is really sad.
'He goes blind once again
He closes his eyes'
You have displayed the emotions of the character so accurately it makes me sad as a reader.
Especially the final line: 'And slowly dies inside.' It's awful... and after reading some of your other work... well, it's a contrast.
I like it though, as always.
A wonderful reflection on the feelings and thoughts of a crushed child.
~Bloodink
I do like this poem, but I think you need to give it more structure. The ideas are very beautiful - but the rhyme scheme is mess. Sometimes it's a,b,a,b and sometimes you change the stanza to not have a rhyme! Sometimes in poems this can work, but not in one like this.
'But he was once loved
Emotions drained by the flood
What mother abandons her child?
What father seeks a younger blood?'
This, is fantastic. My favourite stanza, truly divine. Now if you can put across more metaphors and imagery like this then you will have a really, really wonderful poem. It's a really good start, just needs a little work done.
Keep writing,
~Crim
I really liked this. For some odd reason I thought of The Child Called It. With out the abuse.
Well thats all I had to say.
Keep writing ~dasiamari
very good, i don't think i need to correct it at all, but i still love this. it goes very nicely, and nothing disrupted the flow. I like how you made each stanza short and simple. again, i love this and I want you to keep writing. GREAT JOB!!!
Much Respect. This is a poem with a social lesson in it. You're representing these unfortunate children who face apathy from all sides.... I simply loved it.
Edited
I liked the idea behind this poem, but I think you could have developed it more. It might have been interesting to see Johnny in a happier place and then watch him crumbling to pieces as he realizes he's lost everything. For now, the third and fourth stanza feel like they're there to lengthen the poem, instead of adding to it.
It honestly was rather good though - you kept to standard poetic 'regulations', and you didn't make me grimace at your grammar, which is good. Although, I feel like you should have used punctuation to aid the reader.