Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Adam! I'm back for more, and I just realised it was this song I said I'd review, not the other one right? Oh well, now you've got two from me xD
Okay onwards and upwards with the review, I prefer this much more to the other lyrics I just reviewed as I really thought this had more of a meaning and message behind it. Not only that, but something quite relatable in today's world, obviously there's always been soliders about, but the media tends not to focus on it sometimes. Songs about war and pride are really cool in that sense.
Two things I didn't really like about this park, firstly, if you read it aloud it doesn't exactly flow well. So it might be hard to come up with a melody (unless you've come up with one already) and the rhyming is a bit forced. I mentioned this last time, but seriously don't feel forced to rhyme anything with anything. I mean is the 'slow-dance' thing and actual reference to something (if so, that's fine), or was is there just to rhyme?
Also, I kind of agree with another reviewer in saying I didn't really like the chorus. I mean can you imagine that being sung, that'd get quite boring. Although.... it would be quite easy to sing along to
My overall view of this is that it's a really cool song and one of the best I've seen from you. What I like most about this is the message of it. My suggestions are don't feel too forced to rhyme things, and maybe spruce up the chorus a bit? *cue jazz hands*. I hope this review helped, please PM me if you have any questions or would like another review.
Keep on lyricing!
-Arc
Hey AJT!!! This was so cool! I'm going to try to do a review. haha. I'm not really use to reviewing lyrics although I have done it before/like it.
First Stanza
I liked the two lines, I thought they were a good start, except I do wonder if you actually meant deserve the minefields and what you meant by that. If you meant they earn the minefields because they had reserved the waters, thus meaning they earned the right to win and conquer because they had already had some power over the waters and some strength then I do know what you meant by those lyrics and I think they are great. If you didn't mean that though then I am wondering a bit about it, and am curious, I'd love an explanation. XP I do think it was a good and interesting start though.
Second Stanza
I though this was very interesting and quite fantastic honestly. The way that I took it was that they were not really respecting the efforts of the 'soldiers' and thus, the soldiers were asking for some respect. They were asking for some due praise for their hard work. I like how you managed to rhyme though and I thought that was nice.
Third Stanza
I think I understand what you mean and by understanding it I think it's a good two lines. I'm guessing you mean that it reflects their token, what they did, in killing an all, they're dying kind of paid for that in a way? Am I going too deep here or something? Is there a background? I like it though and I think that deep lyrics matter. I do think though that the word penance is spelled like that. Correct me if that's not what you meant.
Fourth Stanza
I thought this stanza was good, I do have a suggestion though for the second line:
"I'm drowning in a slow dance" -- It works with your rythym and flow.
Other than that I thought this stanza or part of the song was fine, a little confusing but I don't really know how to see it, so it doesn't matter, haha, but it was well written for sure.
Chorus
I really like the chorus because I think it makes a lot of sense. It has a good ring to it and a good pattern as well. Also, it has a lot of meaning in it and I like that. I am guessing it means that what they've been given is less than they deserve and thus they won't settle for it at all. Which is just excellent.
Overall
There is one more stanza after the chorus, but I am going to leave it be as I like it and though I don't fully understand it, I think I'm actually not really suppose to/ I don't fully need to, that said though it's a good one and works with the rest of the song.
So, overall I thought this was amazing. It was interesting, it was strange, it was well written, it was good lyrics for your genre. It did make me ask some questions that I wouldn't mind if you answered, because even though I know some lyrics just don't make any sense, mostly I think lyrics should, after all everyone's kind of saying something through singing, and lyrics are their words. So yeah, overall great job!
--Keep Dreaming and Keep Writing.
Hi there Adam! Niteowl here to get in a review for the Inc(red)ibles this fine Review Day!
So, overall, I agree that this has a strong rhythm. There's also some excellent lines. I also think the chorus could have more substance, but with the right music, it probably works.
My comments are minor:
Nitpick time: Penance is misspelled.
This bit is odd to me. The whole refrain is about not settling down. However, when I read these lines, it makes me think that the speaker is not coming back (i.e. settling down). Perhaps some more development or rewording could clear this up.
Overall, this has a strong rhythm. Great job and keep writing!
Hey 567ajt! Alright, so I'm no expert on lyrics, but I shall sincerely try to muster up a constructive review.
I think that you have some really good lines here (particularly the first two), and you maintain a strong sense of rhythm. I can see these easily fitting into a song. I would, however, like to see this with another verse, and perhaps with a stronger chorus. It felt as though there was still something to be said, and it might help to conclude with a bridge in the song. That being said, I don't know how this sounds, and it's difficult to discern my opinions on this when only having the lyrics here as context. I think the lyrics are very strong and I you have some really clever ideas in place.
Keep writing, and best wishes! xx