Their tradition with layers of racism
Picking on me because I am not like them
Going as far as to send you away
Hoping we never re-meet another day
I'm not allowed a single kiss
Not even a little hug
I'm not allowed to talk
I'm not allowed to look
Atrocities all around their plan
Not even bothering to know who I am
You must be reluctant for you know
That paranoia is as common as a cold
I'm not allowed a kiss
Not even a little hug
I'm not allowed to talk
I'm not allowed to look
(instrumental/discordant solo break)
I'm not allowed a kiss
Not even a little hug
I'm not allowed to talk
I'm not allowed to look
Their tradition with layers of racism
To them my ideas are a daze of lust
And their powers will not know what to say
When she comes heading back to my way
I'm not allowed a kiss
Not even a little hug
I'm not allowed to talk
I'm not allowed to look
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,758 Reviews
Hi, AJ! I'm back!
This isn't one of your best works, but it's not one of your worst either. It's definitely getting somewhere, and with a little work, it could turn into something pretty awesome. I also wouldn't ignore FlyerS' review. She makes a very good point! That's the trouble with Lyrics here. We don't normally get the music to critique the lyrics with, and when it comes to songs, music is half the art.
So with that in mind, after having read this, I didn't feel much came out of it. In fact, it felt very... sad. There wasn't a glimmer of hope anywhere and yet it didn't shove anyone into a black hole either. It was just sort of there... complaining, for lack of a better word. There were some good moments here, and I'll definitely point those out! But the song itself didn't hold anything of significance for me. It's sad that the speaker didn't get their way, but by the end, I didn't much care anymore. A laundry list of complaints can get annoying after a while, and I don't want that to bog your song down.
I loved the first two lines here! The second two I'm not so keen on. It probably sounds much better with the music though!
I agree with Gee that the last line is really awesome. I'd love to see you do more with that (or more things like that). The third line didn't lead into it very well though. (I don't think they actually know, ja?)
There were some weird line!grammar fluctuations that you'll find it you go through it again. Just read it out loud, and you'll find the spots! But overall, I think you've got a nice skeleton for what could potentially be a very strong/emotional song. Keep up the good work!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
EDIT: I almost forgot! I didn't think the title was as effective as it could have been. I'd suggest rethinking a better one to reflect the song more. Or at least a shorter one. A title that doesn't give away the whole thing? Personal preference though!
Wow. This is amazing. I wish I could hear you sing this one
. The topic you chose is one of the biggest issues of the modern world. Racism and xenophobia are plaguing the so called "civilized" countries. Nothing hurts more than not being accepted because of the color of your skin or your religion. So I would say I loved this poem. The flow and the imagery was nearly perfect. Way to go, AJ! Keep Writing.
As with all songs posted on this site, this song would be much better if we could hear it. I think that with the right melody and proper emotion from the singer, this song would haunt the listener. However, it could easily turn round and go the other way. If the melody you wrote isn't powerful enough, this song could easily be boring.
Songs are hard work, kudos for writing one.
Adam!
This is wonderful. I have to point out that this line amazes me every time I read it: That paranoia is as common as a cold<333333333333
Great job, Twin!!
~Solly<3