I was in my head
Eyes were misty
Light not penetrating
The blinds were drawn down
You were on my mind
Tiptoeing the egg shells
And delicately making no sound
You gave me wit
You gave me a hit
A slap to remember
All of those links I dismembered
In trade of my own shit
You had to control
Control your movement
As if you don't make a sound
God this tension makes me cringe
No fade, no fade, no fade, no fade
God this tension makes me cringe
No fade, no fade, no fade, no fade
A lack of control
No control over actions
Will inevitably lead to the final sound
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
looooooooove it
very nice .....keep it up
Hey!
I really loved the flow of this poem. It wasn't perfectly smooth, and it threw me off, but it still flowed. Especially in the second to last stanza. It was amazing. Good job.
I can't see any technical errors. You don't have any ending punctuation, but since it's consistent I'm guessing you did it on purpose. The same goes with all of the capitalized stanzas.
I love the topic, but I don't understand the title. Maybe you could explain that to me?
Keep up the good work!
Whats up!
My name is Ossum and this is your review.
So I like how you have a reason behind your song. That is good, but I feel like you lost it towards the end. In the beginning it is like you have someone on your mind but you knew you shouldn't be thinking about them. Which makes us feel somewhere along the lines of you missing that person, and they not feeling the same.
But then you go off on what I believe is the chorus of your song, and speak about the abuse part of it all. And then from there it is jumbled and I will explain why.
The fourth verse gives us the feeling that you are actually blaming her, which is a path to go down to and was the last piece of the song. Before you hit the fifth verse which I will honestly say I didn't understand unless I put it together with the last verse in which you are trying to harm or eradicate the said relationship.
Which you kind of just sprung up on us.
I think this song could be good if taken the time to organize the feelings of emotion a little more clearly and in way we can understand. It has a lot of emotion already in it, which is perfect I understand the feelings. Just not how they tie into one another, which is what needs to happen in order for people to feel what you want them to feel.
Hope this helps, and of course have a super amazing day!