A Void

Hi!
Great poem! I particularly admired your vocabulary which you used wisely, adding emphasis to your most defining lines, supported with a bit of light and shade in you sentence structure.
My only advice is in agreement with BlueAfrica's point that you need to utilise imagery and figurative language! As I said before, you use great words and I believe that you can take this ability to a new level. This may come across as harsh, but one word's power is mostly to the credit of the definition of the word and the idea it holds. It is the writer's job to manipulate what first comes to mind when the reader hears such a word by embedding it in a cleverly composed statement, hence achieving imagery/figurative language! It is this success that intrigues the readers and completes a truely fantastic poem!
In saying that, you have been very clever with the ideas you have communicated, however this could be improved with the occasional use of imagery. It takes the reader past just words and ideas on a page and paints a picture in there mind and that it the true magic poems hold!
Once again, you have done a wonderful job and should be proud of your work! Keep on using the power of the pen!
-Blossom

Hey there -

Let me first say - I was thoroughly impressed. Absolutely. So moving.

I loved your play on words with the title. Very nice touch. (or so I think… Was that done on purpose?...)

I am avid when it comes to rhythm, I’m a composer – it’s my nature- and this had no real beat to it. BUT – it was a self-explanatory rhythm. It was perfect. It wasn’t a monotonous ‘dah dah dah dah-dah’ type of thing. It told its own melodical story. VERY good.

It is a very harsh poem. Very dark –but it draws forth sympathy. It’s not a whiney kind of sad. It reoccurs throughout the poem, retelling your sadness, your feeling of being trapped, but it isn’t in your face. The reader feels inclined to be sorry, willingly – not because you forced them into it.

I loved:

sounds like you were in bad spaces...But I loved the poem, I think your use of "why me, God!?" makes it in a way a good connection for people because it is a uestion everybody asks themselves eventually.

Hello, this is Pyro, and I will be reviewing your work today.

SO. I started following you a while ago, for reasons that I shall not bring up in this review. Reading this piece, though, it reminded me of your ability to command the raw power of passion, and anger, that words can entail. People beyond count are living in this world without the refined skill of employing the anger of words.

My friend, be proud. You are one of the countable.

To go on to the actual review, though.

I have to disagree with Blue in my review. Personally, I'm an advocate of abstracts-- I don't usually like resorting to concretes. Your rhyme scheme is nil, zip, zero, non-existent. Wonderful. You''re able to communicate without rhyming, and still make it a good piece. This is meant to be read aloud, and in doing so, the rhythm is perfect. If you take it silently, the rhythm is a bit more rough, but maybe that's just my take of it.

Overall, this was a very strong writing. Keep up the good work, my friend.

Okay, there's obviously a lot of emotion behind this poem. But you need imagery and figurative language! This could be such a strong poem if you only made it more tangible. I mean, you talk about a void, you talk about a "lifeless abyss," "strengths," "weakness" - but look, all these are abstract words. I don't get any sort of image from them. Concrete words are stronger - you can use some abstract words, but you then have to define them with metaphors grounded in concrete language. This could be a great poem if you did that.

~Blue

The walls have trapped me
Contained inside a void
Your "wisdom" is ignorance
You prey off people's fears
But your strengths aren't my weaknesses
Your long gaze into a lifeless abyss
Lives up to your voyeuristic tears
Temptation staring at me right in the face

I'm sure he will trap you
And take you to the lake
Where your skin burns
And your sins are confined
Into a cacophony of decadence
"Why me, God?!"
Stop asking trick questions
Stop even trying to be funny

A void widens
Fall into that hole
And lose yourself
In the eternal flame

No passion
No regrets
No love lost



O.M.G. what a wonderful poem, coming from a poet it says a lot.