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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Non-Rival! You were right! This is your best work so far!
Oh, wait, I agree with the empress on the line saying "The Part just gets better and better" most of your lines are vivid and interesting to read... but this struck me as kind of dull. Try spicing it up. Eeeeh, that was it for me!
This was very creativly written with loads of imagery - I like it! But since this is me, I must complain about the absence of punctuation! The flow worked kind of well without it up until the fourth stanza where I feel some commas were needed... You've succeded well with the rhyming in this piece though, they come natural and I like that you're not scared to use secondary rhyming if that serves the poem better ;D To say something about the structure at its full, I'm just gonna say.. good. I didn't find much wrongs or grammatic errors in the text but I don't like the use of "damned" I think you can find a better, less distrubing, word to replace it
My dear, feared Non-Rival.. this poem of yours is here by rewarded with... wait for it... 4½/5 icky, sticky spiders!!!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I like this piece. And even though I dont know the difference between a lyrical poem and any other poem, but I think I undersand this piece and the emotions it contains. There's something in it that touches the heart of another believer and I love it.
That was my favorite line in the whole thing, it was something I've felt before. It made me cry, which is saying something, lol. It is a good piece, and enjoyable to read but it isn't perfect, because perfection is pretty much impossible. Not to be a downer.
These three lines I didn't understand. I feel like they dont fit with the rest of the piece. I dont understand their relevance to anything else in there, to me they seem useless. Im sorry if you disagree, but that is how I personally feel.
well from a lyrical rhyme perspective the piece can stumble several times, but I viewed this more as a prose piece. The words are striking, haunting in both their simplicity and emotional detachment. The piece shows the numbness of loss, not a loss of the physical like family but of the soul and mind and you capture it very well. I wish I could have written this well when I was your age.
I did feel the exclamation point at the party gets better and better line felt a bit off, for me the piece lacked the staying power of several other lines and singling it out kind of drew attention to the weakness. Personally I'd cut the ! if anything.
That said, well done with this piece. Very well done.
Hey man great job you're really good at this. Heck, I could use a mentor like you. Anyway good job!!!
i really really enjoyed this. It wasn't symbolic for the sake of space it flowed and carried a message that I and others could relate to. It was very good and fast paced but emotional. The detailed rhyming scheme and the vocabulary used was brilliant. Keep it up!
Wow this poem was very enjoyable to read. Very well written for a person of your age, though I'm not judging on your age because it is a beautiful poem in its own right. The rhyming sceme is just divine, perfectly unforced and slightly unnoticable but adds a lovely touch.
Definitely keep up the good work and this review doesn't really give this poem justice.
~Crim
I think this is a really good piece of work for a fourteen year old! Fair play. Gloomy feeling throughout reading, I get a sense of uncertainty.. but I enjoyed it.
There is a slight lack of rythm in this though, and you should put commas in so that people know where you're going with it! I always find poetry a little less hard to follow when alliteration and punctuation are good.
I am new to this site so don't really know how to give proper reviews yet, just my opinion on the works!. Hope it helps you somewhat.
Keep up the good work
Basically the first half was totally beautiful.
I just have a few nitpicks:
That felt like a bit of a stretch. Pain is a hard word to rhyme with, but I would work on that some more. If you have to change it to more of a half-rhyme in order to add more meaning to the phrase, do it. Meaning is always more important than rhyme.
Both of these lines have superfluous words; their length isn't bad but if you paired it down it would make the whole poem tighter. These two lines slow down the second half of the poem, for me at least.
I feel like this line should be more striking, as 1) It has an exclamation point and 2) this exclamation point is the only punctuation in your story.
Finally, I really loved the lines
and the ending was perfect. Great job as usual; though I don't usually like rhyming poems you did a really great job with this one.