NOTE: This is an edit that goes in between Parts .0 and .1 . I'm not going to put up an edit of .1 until I have completed the chapter though, but pretty much everything stays the same just minor edits here and there.
The large trees that once towered over the sand now looked similar to large bushes, dancing in time with the wind atop the now calm waters. The only other movement was the lifeless body of the man who had tried so hard to save himself and reach the dune that stretched just past the tops of the trees. The same dune that now was dwarfed by the vast amount of water that surrounded it, which allowed only a small crest of sand to escape the waters forced arrival. The mans body drifted down towards the submerged foot of the dune and came to rest there.
His eyes snapped open as air filled his lungs, and the visage of a beautiful women came into full view as she pulled away from his own face. She looked at him in earnest, as the water around the pair began to glow with a cool light.
“Arctaire, I will not let you die here.”
Her voice came to his senses, yet her mouth did not speak and his ears did not hear, her thoughts reaching into his mind. He opened his mouth in an attempt to talk, but only air escaped his lungs. Not a sound to be heard. She once again brought their mouths together and breathed new air into Arctaire’s lungs.
She floated away this time, allowing Arctaire’s body to ascend slightly towards the surface, yet something still held him under. His eyes were drawn down the woman's body as a shining tail of navy blue stirred the waters. His eyes darted to her own, her lips turned up with, what he thought could only be, a hint of pride. Her locks of chestnut floated in front of her face and twirled around with the flow of the water. The light around them obscured any vision beyond their bodies, the surface and the sandy floor nonexistent to Arctaire’s vision. Frightening was not a way he could describe the luminescence that encapsulated the floating pair; it was peaceful, calming, a radiance that filled one with hope. With the feelings of the light in Arctaire’s head, the soft voice of the mermaid could also be heard.
“I shall heal you Arctaire, and in time you shall come to remember all that has been lost.”
The glow around them began to burn bright, while flashes of memories ran through Arctaire’s mind. He tried to remember but they had passed too quickly when a heat brought his mind back to the physical world, he searched his body and the visible wounds swiftly began to heal, leaving behind only a trace of pink where damage had once marked his person.
“Have hope Arctaire.”
With these words the mermaid drifted away from Arctaire, he reached out to take her hand but as contact came near, only water was there. Her arm slowly became one with the water, fading together as if the appendage was never truly there in the first place. The fade was gentle, like drops of paint into a clear glass of water. The colors swirled and rippled together, water mixing with scales after a quick flip of her tail. With a gentle smile she was gone just as quickly as she had appeared.
The glow faded and Arctaire began to float towards where the dune and the waves met. He crawled up the sand and gulped in a mouthful of fresh air, body collapsing under his weight. Eyes closed, his mind began to wander back to the glimpses of memories he longed to remember but nothing was clear. A small splash heard to his right, made Arctaire jump up in search for his mermaid savior, only to be disappointed by the ripened fruit which fell from the nearby tree.
Dizziness set in upon Arctaire from his quick exertion, even though his wounds were healed his body is not yet fully rejuvenated. Disorientation turned to blackness, and once again consciousness was stolen from Arctaire, his body crumbling into the warm sands.
NOTE: Yes , I know the character and I share a name but I had created the name to use as characters in video games and it just fit perfectly for what I want to do with all of this. Plus the character is kind of based of myself anyway.
Next update to the series should be the end of Chapter 1! Exciting stuff, but I'll need all the thoughts and advice from reviews for when it comes time to edit. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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This is so awesome! I would love to read the rest of it... i have never "followed" a book on YWS before, but this one is awesome!
Well thank you! I feel honored and am glad you enjoyed everything so far. I'm going to try and finish chapter 1 soon, and hopefully the rest will be to your liking as well
if you remember, please PM me<3
Heya pretzelsing here for a review,
I really liked this next installment of your story. I like that you are separating it into small sections that are not that long and that are more enjoyable to the reader.Here are my nitpicks and general things.
1)Here please notice your word choice:
Okay so I personally don't think that the word dwarfed here is the right word,it kind of just seems off beat and not flowing well with the rest of the sentence if you know what I mean.I might change this this to: "the dune was made smaller or seemed smaller" or something more creative that you come up with.
2)Tiny nitpick:
Please put an apostrophe like this: "man's body..."
3) Again your word choice was unrealistic here:
Arctaire was dead and his eyes SNAPPED open? What if you described it more gently.Maybe think about how you open your eyes in the morning.Maybe have his rub his eyes, or blink several times, and just tell us that he gently opened his eyelids or something like that.And then also after that, maybe make his eyesight blurry because you said that the mermaid came into: "full-view" and just doesn't happen.
4)This kind of confused me:
When did you say that she did this before?I didn't see you mention that she did this before, and if I am wrong then please correct me.Also I don't know if this is a valid point but if you want my advice and thoughts is that you should totally vary your sentence lengths and make some sentences shorter,also because some of your sentences were so descriptive, they seemed like an overload and you exhaustively wanted to show you point. My advice, try another writing style of make things more simpler.Just simplify some sentences and experiment a little bit.
I really like your last sentence it was a great cliffhanger.I felt like I wanted to keep on reading.I am looking forward to the next installment of your story. I hope that this review helps and as always I want to encourage you to keep on writing!
I must say I was hooked from the first sentence! This is a truly amazing piece. The way you worded the first sentences:
"The large trees that once towered over the sand now looked similar to large bushes, dancing in time with the wind atop the now calm waters."
I was actually picturing large trees swaying back and forth! I really don't have any complaints for this piece. I do notice you switch between present and past tense verbs extremely well.
Maybe change:
"The glow around them began to burn bright, while flashes of memories..."
to
"The glow around them burning bright, while flashes of memories...."
and maybe:
"His eyes snapped open as air filled his lungs, and the visage of a beautiful women came into full view as she pulled away from his own face."
to
"His eyes snapping open as air fills his lungs, and the visage of a beautiful women coming into full view as she pulls away from his own face."
But like i said I loved it and enjoyed reading it. I look forward to reading more of your works.