Published September 30, 2008
Okay, first, I'd like to express a very quick rant: When my friend read this, he was all 'But it's not a poem, it's a story! That's not a poem!' And I was like 'A poem tells a story!' And he was all 'Yeah, but this is more like a story!' And he wasn't getting it. He was being an idiot. >C
Whatever.
Here's my poem, please R&R, though honestly, I'm probably not going to change too much.
Midnight Shower
She wanted a shower
To wipe away the day – busy and worthless –
Get rid of it.
Back at the Hotel room, late at night
The silver faucet from the shower
Held her naked reflection
In its temporary grasp –
The lights began to flicker
On, off, on, off, dancing in her eyes
Flashing until she nearly fainted –
Then they stayed dead.
A definite sound of glass hitting
The floor in a small musical shower.
Everything was silent for a moment,
A minute, a lifetime.
The light began burning brightly,
Hotter and hotter until her eyeballs scorched
She squeezed them shut
Get out get out get out
She wrapped a thin towel around her waist
Scrambled out of the room
A note lay on the creaky bed
Written in childish scrawl –
“You’ve been warned,” it read
She gasped, turned around –
Drew in her last breath
Then hit the floor with a
Definite, permanent thud.
In the bathroom,
The shower kept running.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
I love how no one commented on how I used words to set a specific tone. D:
Whatever. XD
Thanks, both of you!
I'd rather keep it as get out get out get out, because I like to avoid using exclamation points, and I think it displays the fear better. Neh?
But thanks so much anyway. c:
it's called a prose poem.
or free verse
ask your friend whether shakespeare is blank verse or prose. =.="
try 'Get out! Get out! Get out!' increases emotion and suspence
i absolutely love the suspense in this poem, marvelous.
amazing imagination and creativity
wish i could write something as great
loving it.
Wow, I really liked this, it sounded like the shower scene from Psycho or one of the horror stories your ten-year-old cousin always hears in school and likes to repeat everytime you see him (or tell his five-year-old brother to scare him to death) lol. Keep writing!
Ah, thanks so much! I'll fix those. And thanks for the encouragement, I'll rub that in his face (j/k). c
For the 'She squeezed them shut' line - I didn't realize I accidentally deleted the line 'Hotter and hotter until her eyeballs scorched'. xD IT should make sense now.
I really liked this. While it tells a story, it is in the poem format and a definite poem. I would have to agree with you that a poem tells a story. It's called "narrative poetry."
This was very well-written. Definitely freaky, I would say. I really liked it, though. I like freaky...
Just a few things to fix....
I don't think you need a comma after "the floor".
She squeezed them shut? The reader assumes you mean she's squeezing her eyes shut, but you should probably make this clear.
I'm not sure if you capitalized "Hotel" for a certain reason or if it was a typo...
This should be "she wrapped a thin towel around her waist".
Other than those small things, this was great.
Keep writing.. don't let anyone discourage you.
Tianna