So I keep doing this thing that really makes me question my morality. I mean the actual "wrongness" of what I do is very debatable. But I am sure now that it is wrong to do it, even if it's just because I think it's wrong (we cast and must stand by our own judgement). Sometimes I think it's okay because everyone has their moral flaws, and this is my only one, but other times it haunts me and makes me worry about what might happen to me. The most detrimental thing is that I feel like it's eating me up inside, and that another part of me secretly hates me and wants me to fail in life, and so compulses me to do things that are not a part of who I am. So I wrote this to try and combat the issue. I know it's not any great literary piece, it took me 2 minutes and 46 seconds from start to finish, but it captures some of what I feel about this issue.
"I am a good man," I tell myself as I twist and turn in the cold night.
There in my bed I do lie: my demon's dance around my face;
in and out of my ears they flail and flurry - laughing as they go.
They whisper the dark and dangerous things -
things good men do not want to hear amongst their own thoughts.
For a time I thought that the good lord did make an angel of me,
until I snapped my innocence and cast it asunder in ignorance;
as I grew, my innards screamed at me to cease -
but temptation grips like an iron vice in that mind of mine
so lonely for so long - I am my own friend and enemy.
I can feel the desire to destroy myself glowing in my veins
to shred the very fabric of what I once was...
But I feel the urge and need to defend myself from me!
Never before has there been such conflict -
I can only hope that the devil inside is not natural,
that I may change once more into a guardian
and that I am forgiven for my insurmountable compulsions
Compulsions to be what I am not where I feel I can.
I hope that the good people of this earth can look upon me
and see me as good and honest, and not for my demons.
Memories of my temptations will haunt me as I go,
I will remain sorry as I go,
but I hope I can put things in perspective.
I am young, and I am silly.
But I am good.
I must keep in mind that I am good.
I am good.
I do not lie.
I am good.
I will show the world
and I will leave my demons in the shadows
chained and beaten.
Give me a chance, and I am good.