The chirping of birds was heard through the slightly opened window near James's bed, sunlight drifting through, causing James to stir. He groaned, and sneezed as morning pollen made its way into his room, and closed the window, shivering from the slight cold. At the foot of his bed, his German Shepherd, Arvo, was curled up over his feet, but was awoken by the small movements of James. As their eyes met, Arvo lifted himself off the bed, allowing James to do so too. James’s gaze scanned over the book cluttered room, of many different genres. He tilted his head at the scattered arrows, and his bow on the floor.
“At least there’s something to do for a bit.” James murmured, already putting the bow and arrows away in a trunk. He moved through the crowd of books, picking them up and sorted them by author and title. When the last was put into place, James settled down into a thought.
My 16th birthday is in a month… gotta try to pass my test the first time. He looked up to the clock above his bedframe. "I’ll make some breakfast then." James got up from the place he was sitting, Arvo close behind as he exited his large, but seemingly cramped room. James looked at the family photos up on the walls, his skinny, out of place figure in random poses that were decided by the photographer. He flinched to the slightest movement of dust, with no known reason.
Sighing, he tripped over the rug that laid to the entrance to the living room and kitchen, with Arvo quickly sliding in to catch him. James mumbled a quiet thank you, and gave the German Shepherd a few pats before pulling himself up. Arvo shook his fur , which was already ruffled from when he was sleeping. James winced when he put his weight on his foot, than sat down on the ground to rub the injured area;
“I think I might have sprained it a little,” He murmured, half to himself, half to Arvo. Pulling himself up, Arvo allowed James to use him to steady his weight, who muttered his thanks again. Making his way further into the kitchen, pulling out some dog food so that he could feed the German Shepherd, pouring the bag until the bowl was full, Arvo’s tail giving a small wag as the dog began eating.
Without a thought, James began to relieve the pantry of several different cereals, as James liked to mix the kinds together to get more flavor. He grabbed a bowl and a spoon, setting the spoon aside so that he could put the cereal in the bowl. The soft clatter filled the room, and had only stopped when James lifted the bag away, closed it, and set it back in its place inside of the pantry. Quickly, he grabbed the milk, and carefully poured it in, making sure to not make the milk spill.
Before he had started eating, he heard the soft voice of his mother behind him. “Good morning James.” She had her phone in hand, but it was powered off. “I have to go in early today, someone ended up finding some kittens on the side of the road.”
James tilted his head, as close behind his two younger brothers had followed her, Alfie and Reggie, as well as his father. Alfie bore a striking resemblance to their dad, with the same, short brown hair and green eyes. They even shared some of the same interests. Reggie on the other hand, looked more like their mother, with both having long hair, and Reggie not wanting to cut it.
Their father had come up behind their mother, “Good morning my golden lily,” He had wrapped his arms around her, causing all three of their children to groan in unison.
Their mom chuckled, “Good morning Charlie.” James poked Alfie when his brother had sat beside him, bumping him with his elbow, and pretended to gag, causing Alfie to laugh. James continued to eat his cereal. When done, he placed the bowl in the sink.
“School will start soon, it’ll be your second to last year, right James?” Reggie murmured, “Then you’ll head out to college after senior year.”
James nodded, and coughed slightly before answering, “Yeah, it’ll be kind of hard, but I’ll manage.”
Alfie coughed beside him, “Nerd.” But received a flick on the forehead.
“Hey–!” Alfie tried to lean over and attempted to flick James on the forehead, but he had already predicted his attack, and countered with his milk covered spoon. Alfie retaliated and huffed.
"Don't fight boys," their mother had tiredly called from the wall she was leaning on, despite probably needing to leave sooner. Their father had let go of their mother, grabbing the keys from the key hook that was put into the wall. He tapped mother's shoulder, and she nodded in return. "Well we're going, make sure to keep your phones near, and don't spend too much time on them." Reggie, James, and Alfie all nodded their heads in polite agreement.
All three of them watched as the door opened, and close with a creak. James and the others sat in silence as Reggie and Alfie made their breakfast, and collectively finished their meals. After they had gone into the living room, Alfie had held up a game controller and waved it slightly in the air.
"Wanna play?" He asked with a smirk
"You're on!" James answered, Reggie staying quiet, but nodded with enthusiasm. Alfie powered on the game system, and James had used the remote to turn on the TV. James could faintly hear the buzz as both went on, but the other two didn't seem to notice it. With three clicks of the A button, the TV showed the home screen. As their brother clicked on the game titled 'Speed Circuit,' James erupted into a series of coughs, leaning towards the black couch he had been standing by.
Reggie tilted his head, and Arvo rushed by James's side with a whimper, getting him to sit on the ground so he could lay in his lap to provide help if the coughs escalated any further. Alfie quietly sat by James's left side and rubbed his back to provide comfort. When the coughing fit ended, he pulled his hand from his mouth.
And what came away...
Was a slick of blood.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi! raindrops here to leave a review.
First, the ending is pretty intriguing, it wraps up the first chapter well. It's a really good hook for readers to continue with the story. I really liked it!
I also scanned the previous comment/review before I fully read your work, and I agree. I got confused from the 1st-3rd person POV. At some point, I decided to change all 'James' to 'he', and found that it became easier for me to read the passages. This is not a suggestion though, I just did that at the moment, but something to think about on how you would avoid confusion for your readers.
I can see that you have a talent on fleshing out the surroundings of your character, but, after six paragraphs of showing/describing the setup, I felt that it became dragging. I was pretty relieved when other people came into the scene, because that added color to the story.
And for the rest, I had fun watching the family/the boys' interaction.
Hi! raindrops here to leave a review.
First, the ending is pretty intriguing, it wraps up the first chapter well. It's a really good hook for readers to continue with the story. I really liked it!
I also scanned the previous comment/review before I fully read your work, and I agree. I got confused from the 1st-3rd person POV. At some point, I decided to change all 'James' to 'he', and found that it became easier for me to read the passages. This is not a suggestion though, I just did that at the moment, but something to think about on how you would avoid confusion for your readers.
I can see that you have a talent on fleshing out the surroundings of your character, but, after six paragraphs of showing/describing the setup, I felt that it became dragging. I was pretty relieved when other people came into the scene, because that added color to the story.
And for the rest, I had fun watching the family/the boys' interaction.
Tysm for leaving a review! The last chapter was a little dragging mostly so that a can flesh out James a little more, because I had to rewrite it a couple times to get more descriptive lol (also at first the book was going to be in first person at first, so that's mostly why there are may mistakes like that). With the sibling interactions, I mostly get myself into thinking, "What would my siblings do if that happend?" so I can make it feel real.
heyy, great story so far! reading your first chapter, it was very interesting! I'm very intrigued with James' problem at the end of the chapter, and would also like to know more about the test mentioned in the beginning. Alfie, Reggie, and him also have a well clear brotherly bond. one thing I notice though is that you write, "He looked up to the clock above his bedframe. I’ll make some breakfast then.", which is slightly confusing, as it switches between first and third person, although I didn't see another instance in this. maybe try making the text different for thoughts, like using italics (triggered by Ctrl + I)? otherwise, great work!
Yeah, the first person third person thing was me mostly forgetting to put quotation marks lol
i really like this!! james feels like an actual person i could know in real life, especially when interacting with his brothers. i also love the comment about the phones, and the world already feels kind of lived in just from the interactions alone. sweet ending too, it's really intriguing!!