z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

These Mongooses!

by Arch Stanton


My aunt came to visit me one day

A real-life story, she had to say!!!

“Two mongooses had started a fight

And, my God! It was a sight!!”

-

“The first mongoose, which was grey,

Needed a place to stay.

So he fought a big, brown one for his land

And there they were, fighting in the sand!”

-

“Now, all they needed was a referee

Of all the spectators, they chose me

Then they nimbly handed me a baby rattle

So that I can shake it, to start the battle.”

-

“The grey one (I would call him ‘G’)

Let me go closer so I could see

All was now ready for the great battle

And to start the action, I shook the rattle.”

-

“G simply jumped on the brown one

(Let's call him B for easy recognition.)

G bit B's ear; he howled in pain

B tried throwing G down, but in vain.

-

“Then G simply employed his final trick

He gave B a hard karate kick

Which sent him flying, away to a distance

B didn't have the power of resistance!!”

-

“And so”, she concluded, with twinkles in her eyes

“G won, and went to collect his price.

He acquired the land and made his burrow there,

And B didn't fight ever again or dare!!!”

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1227 Reviews

Points: 144400
Reviews: 1227

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Wed Jun 10, 2020 3:11 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



I am here because I was drawn into your poem's description, "Based on a real mongoose fight that my mom's friend witnessed." <- I was intrigued!

So here we are! Let's get to the review.

I'm not sure if you've ever read the story of Ricki Tikki Tavi by Kipling, but this certainly gave me fond memories of that story. Your rhyme scheme gave the poem a sense of formality and I think elevated the story a bit, so it seemed like it was something very grandiose despite being just a fight between animals. That subtle elevation; also communicated in some of your more formal language added to the humor factor too. Like "power of resistance" and "great battle" - you really played up the drama, which was great!

I'm not sure I liked that you just used their initials because that took away some of the personality, might have been better to name the two or call them "Brown" and "Grey". The fight itself is quick, to the point, and easy enough to follow along with. I think you could use a little conclusion of the speaker's reflections on having heard about the fight to bring the poem back around full-circle.

I hope you keep on trying out humor pieces! They're fun to read!

Best of luck in your writing,

~alliyah

Team Tortoise !!

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84 Reviews

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Reviews: 84

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Sat May 09, 2020 3:32 pm
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Icon wrote a review...



My sixth grade writing is quaking right now. What a power move, honestly.
This poem was actually really light and whimsical, despite being a fight scene. Of course there are some issues that come with being an eleven/twelve year old poet, but the poem's integrity really wasn't altered by these things, which is impressive! If this is where you were in middle school, then I'll have to read your more current works. Auf Wiedersehen!

-Icon




Arch Stanton says...


Oof, thanks for the compliment!

I actually wrote this towards the end of 6th grade to be exact, so I think 7th grade would've been a better description.
I'm really glad you liked it.

Thanks again!
Arch.



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127 Reviews

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Fri May 08, 2020 6:21 pm
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mythh wrote a review...



Hey!!! I'm Grav and I'll be reviewing your myth today. (I call a work, a "myth" when I know the person)

Alright! Let's begin. I know it's your sixth grade poem but I really can't help nitpicking so forgive me ^-^

My aunt came to visit me one day
A real-life story, she had to say!!!

Hehe, Nice start. It's a rather good introduction to a nice ol' and pleasant monologue ^^.

“The first mongoose, which was grey,
Needed a place for him to stay!

I think just saying "Needed a place to stay," would've been more appropriate 'cause you have introduced only one mongoose in this line and it sounds a little confusing.

Of all the spectators, they chose me

Oooooh! Plot twist! Lol. (Don't mind me. I'm very informal in my reviews >_<)

Then, started the great battle
And to start the action, I shook the rattle.”

This part goes a little off-beat. Also, you first say "started the great battle," but then you are saying that the referee had to shake the rattle to start the battle(Lord the rhyming in my review is killing me). This is quite confusing and I think you should change that.

I found the poem very pleasant. I loved it. The flow was pretty good except for in that one bit I pointed out and there weren't really any grammatical errors. YOU SHOULD PUBLISH MORE OF THESE.

KEEP WRITING!!!!

Yours sincerely,
Grav :D




Arch Stanton says...


Hello Grav!
Thank you for your time you spent on this piece, really appreciate it.
I think I had another sentence for that line, but must've forgotten it when typing it down (as in, when I reviewed it years later at school, and then came back home). I shall change the line to the suitable one.
Thanks again!

Arch Stanton.



mythh says...


^^



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Points: 5
Reviews: 2

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Fri May 08, 2020 8:28 am
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Arch Stanton says...



Shout-out to @LadyGemstone for suddenly giving me points out of pure kindness!





As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin