Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“I’m no boating expert,” he said, “but that doesn’t seem safe.” I rolled my eyes.
“It doesn’t have to be safe!” I tied the rope around my waist and then tied the other end to the mast. I picked up the other rope and tossed it to Rick. He just looked at it.
“What do you want me to do with this?”
“Same as me.” The light blue sky was starting to give way to the swirling gray clouds and the calm water started to slop against the side of the boat.
“What for?”
“It’ll keep us from losing the ship when we go over.” I turned away from him and began gathering more rope and tying it down.
“When?” I held eye contact with him for a second before going back to tying down loose tools on deck.
“That storm is going to hit us like a wall, and if we don’t want to go back and face the police then we’re going to have to sail through it. They won’t be able to chase us.”
“Are you sure you can guide us through?”
“I’m as sure as I’ll ever be,” I hesitated, “Start tying stuff down up there.” I pointed to the forward end of the boat. Rick nodded and did as I told. The gray clouds were swirling now, and our sail was quivering in the buffeting wind. The sky was a dark black ahead of us, and we were sailing straight into it. The low growl of thunder reached my ears.
“Dorian!” I tore my eyes from the dark horizon and looked at Rick. “This sail is going to drag us way off course! We need to take it down!”
“No! It’s the only thing that’ll keep us upright!” I was shouting now over the wind. Risk went back to hashing things to the deck. I finished up where I was and went down to the cabin.
Inside the wind was less deafening, however the ship itself was quivering with the striking of the waves, causing everything to rattle in its place. I swiftly bolted down the windows and locked all the cupboards. The pitter-patter of rain began to sound all over the ship. I cursed under my breath and began put away the maps that were on the cabin table. Underneath a map on a table was the revolver. I stopped a moment and held it in my hand. I opened the chamber and spun the remaining four bullets around.
“Dorian!” Rick came barging into the cabin soaking wet, “The storm, it’s here.”
“Right,” I responded, “One sec.” Rick turned and ran back out into the storm. I closed the chamber of the gun and stowed it in a cupboard before locking it, then I ran outside.
The sky was black now, I couldn’t see anything other than the white of the ship’s hull and deck. Rain was coming down in sheets, striking me in the face like needles falling from the sky. I covered my face with my jacket and ran to the wheel. Rick stood next to me, clinging to the rope around his waist.
A bolt of lightning cracked in the sky above us. For a split second, I could see. In front of the ship was a massive wave, taller than the ship itself. Then it was gone.
“Shit”.
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138,514 Literary Works • 672,146 Reviews
Hey there, just thought I'd drop by with a review for you
I see you're a new member to YWS, so welcome!! I've been on the site for quite a while now, so if you've got any questions about anything, please don't hesitate to ask me.
So, this is pretty good, I have to say I'm impressed! I'm not sure if this is actually the start of the novel because you've not specified, but I will assume it for the sake of ease. Anywho, you start things off in a great place. I love that we're thrown right into the action, and your opening dialogue is intriguing. It gets me wondering what's going on, who your characters are, what it is they're doing that is so unsafe e.t.c.The way this is written is very clean too. The technical side of your writing is good (grammar, spelling, format e.t.c.), which makes it nice and smooth to read. As for the actual content of this extract, it's really interesting and original, so you earn massive brownie points for that. You've got me intrigued and I already feel invested in the story, and to have achieved that with such a short piece is awesome.
In terms of improvements, you have quite a lot of dialogue in comparison to narrative and description. Your dialogue is good; it's engaging, realistic, and generally well-written, but I think a bit more of a balance would be beneficial. You don't have to take away any dialogue, but should consider being more descriptive, and perhaps showing us what's going on inside your narrator's head a little more. These guys are in the midst of a deteriorating storm, so there must be a hell of a lot going on atmosphere-wise. You give us some description, and when you do that, it's good description. I think we just need more of it. Really set up the scene, make us readers feel immersed into the situation. As well as fixating your readers more, it'll help strike up a more even balance between dialogue and narrative.
I'm a little hesitant to mention this next critique because I'm writing it assuming this is the opening of your story, whereas it may not be. As such, please do take what I'm about to say with a pinch of salt! While I love how you throw us straight into the action, I have a lot of questions. As a result, I do feel a little lost. For example, who are these guys exactly? Why are they running from the police? Why are they doing it via boat? What era is this set in? What's the relationship between these two guys? e.t.c.I think we just need a little more background information. You don't need to give us the ins and outs of these men's lives or anything, but enough to give us something to grasp onto. Even just some hints to the answers of these questions--you don't necessarily have to tell us anything for sure. Just make us feel like we have some idea of the situation!
Other than those two points, I don't really have anything else constructive to say. I'd like to see you ease into the storm a little more gradually (and dramatically), but that will come naturally if you spice up your descriptions like I suggested earlier. Overall, you have a really strong piece here. with some tweaks here and there, it really could become something great. Keep up the good work!
Keep writing,
xoxo Sins
Thanks for the feedback! I really didn't know where I wanted the story to go or whether or not It would be a prologue or just a fun little snippet of a story, but I appreciate your insight!
Hey there, Arcenturf. I'm here to review your writing... which is chapter one, or a prologue? Not that it matters really, but I think this is a nice length for a prologue.
“I’m no boating expert,” he said, “but that doesn’t seem safe.” I rolled my eyes.
“It doesn’t have to be safe!” I tied the rope around my waist and then tied the other end to the mast. I picked up the other rope and tossed it to Rick. He just looked at it.
“What do you want me to do with this?”
“Same as me.” The light blue sky was starting to give way to the swirling gray clouds and the calm water started to slop against the side of the boat.
Whenever I review chapters, I like to look at the beginning and analyse what information is provided. Let me just say that you have done an amazing job with your first few paragraphs. They are tremendously informative; you introduce the characters, their tricky situation, the looming storm, the fact that they're running from police... even though you jump straight into the story you somehow manage to include all the important details of their backstory and it's really effective.
Rick nodded and did as I told.
This is the only 'nitpick' I found. The sentence bothers me slightly, I think it's the wording. In my opinion, it should either read as I had told or as I told him. An extra word just makes it flow better.
Overall this is a great piece of writing. I like your informative style and there's just the right amount of imagery and dialogue. It also ends on a cliffhanger, which is also a bonus. One thing I would suggest you work on is the transition of time. The storm comes very suddenly; first Dorian is above deck and the storm is looming, then he goes below and plays with the gun for a bit, then suddenly there's a massive storm with hellish waves! It was a bit sudden. Perhaps suggest a bit more time has passed between events. Otherwise, great job and thanks for sharing!
I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks!