You stop up your ears, stubborn, storm-tossed
To our warnings and cries. Don’t want to hear
If you hesitate you are lost
You need to be right, eternally right
No room for other words; your mind is sealed
Unless, somewhere in the currents you can
Hear your own words concealed
In the undertow of their words and voice.
I understand; of all people I do
Bound to the mast, caught up in your own pride
You are so strong no one can break through
Unable to be weak, so, eyes streaming
You smother your screams and hide your scars
You are screaming
Because you hear the sirens calling,
Calling. But you told us to fill our ears
With wax, can’t hear your ragged cries for help
We go about our everyday tasks like ghosts,
As your cries ricochet inside your skull
The sirens are gathering
You’re alone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Wow, this is really powerful. There's not much by way of imagery, but I think that works here, since this person is trapped inside her own head.
I would suggest, however, doing more by way of punctuation. I realize it may have been a stylistic choice to avoid having as much punctuation as this would have if it was a short story, but I'd suggest adding in appropriate periods, commas, and so on, see how they change things (and if you like the way they change things) and then figure out what punctuation you want to keep and what you want to get rid of.
I think the way you broke up the lines was fine, but I'd also suggest breaking this up into stanzas. That way you can make the most important lines stand out by having them stand on their own. For example, let's say you wanted to make "I understand; of all people I do" stand out because it's super-important. Then that would look more like this:
It helps certain lines stand out more, ties other lines together more, and looks more aesthetically pleasing (which is just something I'm weird about with my writing). For certain people, it might also make them more likely to read it than if it's in one big chunk--it makes it look friendlier/less intimidating/easier to read, even though that's completely an illusion.
I think those are my only suggestions, the style. The writing itself is lovely.
Blue
This is amazing...I wish I could write you a super amazing review but...I find nothing wrong. This piece is so relatable and touching.
Great work, keep it up!
xx- Delirium
nice work with great lines like
"Hear your own words concealed
In the undertow of their words and voice.
I understand; of all people I do"
keep the good work like this one, but i also think it's a little complicated to understand the story but it's good
This is absolutely amazing. Other than that, I'm speechless.
From my understanding, this piece is either about someone talking to julia or julia talking to someone. a monologue perhaps?
Your paragraphs, the way your sentences are laid out should add emotions, and show the past in which the character is using. one word of advice is to read your piece out loud to get the essence of how it would sound is someone is reading it.
I would have structure this poem like this:
You stop up your ears,
stubborn, storm-tossed to our warnings and cries.
You don’t want to hear
If you hesitate
you are lost
And need to be right, eternally right.
No room for other words; your mind is sealed.
Unless, somewhere in the currents
you can hear your own words concealed
In the undertow of their words and voice.
I understand; of all people I do
Bound to the mast, caught up in their own pride
You are so strong no one can break through
Unable to be weak, so
eyes streaming
You smother your screams and hide your scars
You are screaming
Because you hear the sirens calling,
Calling. But you told us to fill our ears.
With wax,
we can’t hear your ragging cries for help
We go about our everyday tasks like ghosts.
As your cries ricochet inside your skull,
The sirens are gathering.
You’re alone!
Good work! Keep writing, put more emotions into your writing, watch punctuations (i have trouble with that sometimes) and enjoy writing most of all.
La