Once Bitten *once edited!*

I'm so nervous about posting this! I am looking for a better title, so any suggestions would be nice.

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Ellie was anything but a normal teenage girl, and this isn't the story of one. This is the story of a vampire. She had read stories about vampires who blended in with human society and couldn't stand the idea. She found those vampires were scum on the face of their species. She thought living with your food was too closely related to playing with it.

She sprinted through the trees, towards her home. The dusk air blew its comforts against her, but the slivers of sun that shone through the trees stung her skin. She hissed and pushed herself to go faster.

Her body slamed against the door to the shabby cabin. With her vampire strength and the rust on the door hinges, the door easily snapped off and slammed to the ground. She flinced at the racket and ran up to her room. Dust rose from the ground as she ran, unveiling ancient floors and rotting wood furniture. Even she didn't know exactly how old this place was.

With a sigh of relief she flopped down on her bed and waited for sleep to take her. Many thoughts spun through her mind. Thoughts about her night and what had happened. Thoughts about him.

She had been prying the window to a small room open when he woke up. She froze for a moment and watched to see how the human would react. Much to her surprise he didn't scream and run away. He stayed. He stared. He watched her as she watched him. Her glowing red eyes remained unmoving, her body was like a statue. He didn't take his eyes off her, but he did back up and lean against a small wooden cabinate. His hands pushed back the small clutter of items that were a mear sillhouette in the dark.

She narrowed her eyes and examined the look on his face. It was so smug. So irritating. She wanted to break through the window and feast on the hot red liquid that flowed life through his veins. They both knew that he knew what she wanted, but he remained unfazed by it.

After a while of staring each other down he pushed off the cabinate and slowly walked towards her. This sudden action startled her and made her ready herself to flee. For some reason she couldn't quite understand, she stayed. He slid the window open and leaned his head out into the moonlight.

She cringed at the smell of his blood, but quickly composed herself and studied him. His dark brown hair shone brightly in the moonlight, and his deep green eyes seemed to pierce right through her red ones. He seemed to study her as well, neither of them seemed like a threat at the moment.

"Are you going to come in, or stay out here and balance on my window sill?" he asked sauvely.

She licked her lips and crawled in. He slowly backed away and flipped on the lights, making her blink and let her eyes adjust. She couldn't remember the last time she was in the light. Much to her surprise, she wasn't burning. The smell of his blood circled her nostrils again, forcing her to push back the lump of thirst and blood lust that was rising in her throat.

"My name is Rhode, and I know what you are."

She remained silent and unmoving. She was right in front of the window, so if she felt the need to, she could bolt at any second. Many people knew what she was, but they always misjudged her. They thought she was either a monster or a 'vegetarian' vampire. She didn't waste her time chasing animals. They never satisfied her thirst or gave her the nutrition she needed to survive.

"Why are you letting me?" she inquired, her gaze hardening into a glare.

He walked closer to her, close enough that she had to force herself not to explode in frustration and rip him open.

"Ellie." she blurted out, "My name is Ellie."

He repeated it to himself and nodded in satisfaction. She rolled her tongue over her fangs and gripped the window frame. He grabbed her wrist and put her hand to the pulse on the side of his neck, as he craned his neck off to the side to expose the flesh.

"Why haven't you bitten me yet?" he asked curiously.

She swallowed hard and brought her fangs to his neck slowly. He remained again unfazed. The sharp tip nicked his skin, letting a single drop roll out and cling to her fang. She quickly pulled away and licked the sweet nectar.

"Why are you letting me?" she inquired, her gaze hardened into a glare.

He sat on his bed and looked up to her. She didn't move her glare, but her hands moved to her sides and made tight little fists. Her nails dug into her cold pale skin, as she tried to think about something other then the smell of his blood.

"I know you need to eat, and I'd rather be awake for it. I know you don't kill your victims, I've seen people's marks," he finally replied after what seemed to be an eternity.

He let her chew on this thought, then patted his bed. She quickly glanced out the window and back to him. He patted his bed again and she sat beside him. He moved her long blond hair from her face and stared deeply into her crimson eyes with great curiousity.

"Bite me." he demanded, letting his hand fall into her lap, "Bite. Me."

She flinched at the urgency in his voice. Was the boy a masochist? She closed her eyes and plunged. There was a soft groan beneath her before the boy was enloped in pure ecstacy. When she had her fill, she pulled away and wiped her lip.

He groaned and sat back up, as he coughed away the tingling sensation. She kept her gaze with the floor, and for the first time felt ashamed of what she had done. He took her cold cheeks in his hands and quickly pecked her lips. As soon as his lips touched hers, she hissed and pushed away. He flew onto the floor and she perched on the window sill. Waiting and watching. His eyes met hers and they stared at one another again, waiting to see who would make the first move.

After a while, he stood up and walked over to her. His hand gentally met her back, and this simple action calmed her considerably. The two returned to the bed, and his arms wrapped around her.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" he whispered in her ear.

She bit her lip and gazed up at the window. She broke away from him and sprinted home, leaving the boy unanswered. Now she layed in her bed and stared at the ceiling. She wondered who he was, and why she felt this way.

Comments & reviews · 6
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Cassie9960
Review

Hi ^^. I really liked this it was really interesting. I love almost anything that has to deal with vampires :) I absolutely agree with the other reviewers. (And yes, i did read both of the reviews!) I have tried to write vampire stories but they fail, so now I'm sticking to regular people!! :) I hope you write more soon! I'm eager to read more of this story. Please PM when you come out with the next chapter. Oh and I'd really enjoy if you checked out one of my stories, and give it some help. (Psst it's called You Told Me (1) and it's a romantic novel)

Happy Writing ^^
~Cassie

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SmylinG
Review
SmylinG wrote a review · Sun Apr 03, 2011 3:49 am

This was pretty nicely written. I'm a little impressed. Although, I did spot quite a number of mistakes throughout reading. I'll point them out for you real quick.

and his deep green eyes seemed to pierce right through her red ones. He seemed to study her as well, neither of them seemed like a threat at the moment. #BF0000 ">(Personally, I feel the whole description of the eye thing has been overdone already, making it just a little too cliche to do anything for this piece. Try tweaking the sentence so that it seems a little more subtly done.)


She licked her lips and crawled in. He backed away and flipped on the lights. She blinked and let her eyes adjust. #BF0000 ">(This here sounds a little like a run-on.)


She couldn't the #BF0000 ">(Remove this the) remember the last time she was in the light.


The smell of his blood circled her #BF0000 ">nostrils again, #BF0000 ">forcing her to push back the lump of thirst and bloodlust #BF0000 ">(blood lust is two words) that was rising in her throat.


so if she felt the need to#BF0000 ">(,) Comma here. she could bolt at any second.


She didn't waste her time chasing animals#BF0000 ">(.) Period They never satisfied her thirst or gave her the nutrition she needed to survive.


"Ellie#BF0000 ">(,)Comma here." she blurted out, "My name is Ellie."


"Why are you letting me?" she inquired, her gaze hardened into a glare. #BF0000 ">(This can be written two ways:
1.) "Why are you letting me?" she inquired#BF0000 ">(.) Her gaze hardened into a glare.
2.) "Why are you letting me?" she inquired, her gaze #BF0000 ">hardening into a glare. #BF0000 ">I prefer 2.)


"I know you need to eat, and I'd rather be awake for it. I know you don't kill your victims#BF0000 ">(.) Period here. I've seen people's marks#BF0000 ">(,) Comma" he finally replied after what seemed to be an eternity.


He moved her long blond hair from her face and stared into her crimson eyes with great curiousity. #BF0000 ">(I think this might sound better if you added deeply after stared, but that's just an opinion.)


"Bite me#BF0000 ">(,) Comma" he demanded, letting his hand fall into her lap#BF0000 ">(.) Period "Bite. Me." #BF0000 ">(I noticed there were periods in a lot of places there were meant to be commas and vice versa.)


When she had her fill#BF0000 ">(,) Comma she pulled away and wiped her lip.


He took her cold cheeks in his hand#BF0000 ">(s)


His eyes met her#BF0000 ">(s)


After a while#BF0000 ">(,) Comma. he stood up and walked over to her.


Sorry if my review came off obnoxiously nit picky with all the grammatical corrections and suggestions. I think this was very smoothly written in an overall sense. It was interesting, and in some ways a little Stephanie Meyer-esque. But don't let that go to your head. ;) Great job here. I'd love to read the rest of this should you continue. Which I encourage. I enjoyed your work. Keep it up.

Hiya! I'm Luxe. This was well-written and you used good word choice and voice. However, I thougt that there wasn't much of a story behind this. Your main character didn't have much of a background to her and i thought that the boy saying that he loved her was a little over the top. I didn't think it did much for your story. What I would do is go back and either take out the boy entirely, or add some reason why he would be significant. At this point I don't really get hisHiya! I'm Luxe.

This was well-written and you used good word choice and voice. However, I thougt that there wasn't much of a story behind this. Your main character didn't have much of a background to her and i thought that the boy saying that he loved her was a little over the top. I didn't think it did much for your story. What I would do is go back and either take out the boy entirely, or add some reason why he would be significant. At this point I don't really get his purpose. He seemes like he's just a guy that she ended up meeting while out hunting. My guess is if she blends in so well with humans that he wouldn't know if she was a vampire or not. Other than the things with the plot, I rather liked this. I thought that your vampire seemed a little bit more realistic than a lot of the ones out there these days and your grammar was good. Keep up writing. I'd like to read more of your stuff some time!

Cheers,
Luxe :D

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April Comment

Thanks so much! I'm glad you like it! I hope I think of a title that doesn't bug me so much. I was getting bored of the whole 'guy vampire gets girl human' bit. It's time to show that girl vampires can be just as kick as kick ass as male vampires! Even if Rhode isn't exactly a vampire...

Thanks for pointing out those mistakes for me! I reread it three times, but you know how it is. When you first finish a piece it's just so shiny and perfect in your eyes so you get all biased. I always end up thinking for the first few days that their couldn't possibly be anything wrong with it.

User avatar
crescent
Review

It was a surprising twist. I didn't expect Ellie to be a vampire and for the guy to be the victim at all. I think it's fine to have the title you have at the moment. It will probably come to you sometime during your whole writing process. There might be a specific word that sticks out to you in future chapters and you can always change it then. Keep up the biting!

-Crescent

Spoiler
She had read stories about vampires who blended in with human society, and couldn't stand the idea.
No comma between "society" and "and". "Couldn't stand the idea" is not an independent clause

The dusk air blew it's comforts against her, but the slivers of sun that shone through the trees stung her skin.
*its There is no apostrophe because "it's" is the contraction for "it is" to write the possessive noun for "it" you say "its".

With her vampire strength and the rust on the door hinges the door easily snapped off and slammed to the ground.
comma between "hinges" and "the door"

For some reason she couldn't quiet understand, she stayed.

*quite



have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady