The Unemployed Detective.

by Aoifeee246

Published December 27, 2016

E - Everyone

Currently being revised, and hopefully improved.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Pentavalence
Review
Pentavalence wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2016

Hi, penandsword here.

I kinda feel like the whole 'reclusive detective' trope is overused, but this is a nice take on it! Just a few things I didn't like:

I understand that the point of this character is to be extremely negative, but it feels kind of forced at certain points. Also, you use a lot of words with not a lot of action, especially towards the middle. Plus, there were some technical errors, typos and such.

Other than that, an interesting first chapter with vivid descriptions and a fascinatingly dark main character.

-Pen

User avatar
Aleta
Review
Aleta wrote a review Review · Dec 27, 2016

Hey, Aleta here for a review.

Corrections
~
The screen of her iPhone was host to 6 new messages,
Spell six out.

Deciding to confront the text’s

Text's? You only use that with phrases such as won't, can't, don't, ain't. It is simply texts.

“Is everything ok here Paul?” she asked, placing her hand on his shoulder as she moved by.

Okay is more appropriate.

“I’m glad you could assist us with this investigation”.
You seem to have a problem with dialogue. The period goes inside of the dialogue.

“Oh for Christ’s sake”
Correction: "Oh, for Christ's sake!"

“I can show her to the body if you’d like to go for your break”.
Fix dialogue.

"Well”
Add a comma after well.

“Fine” Amanda sighed,
Same here.





Observations
~
‘Welcome’ mat of lies.
What's the need for this here? I forgot what those ' things are, although I don't really think you need to put it on there. You could just simply state the welcome mat.

So Nicola goes to another residence, hears screaming, and just walks off and does nothing about it when she is there? You explained her as indifferent, unconcerned. Wouldn't the average human be concerned after hearing screaming from a residence nearby them? I don't think it's good of her to just shrug it off, considering that someone could be killed right there at the spot and she just stands there and listens.

‘buzzes’,
What's up with the use of the '? You don't need it.

Again, five minutes later, her phone buzzed on the worktop, and again, she ignored it.

After five subsequent ‘buzzes’, Nicola decided to address them, if only to suppress the irritating notifications.

Five and five right next to each other in the same sentence. I would consider taking out the five buzzes part completely and just say after a subsequent amount of buzzes...

There were several occasions where she was almost seduced by the possibility of peace and quiet, to reveal the husband’s affair.

Husband's affair? You give no prologue to this and you suddenly add this in. Where did she get this information from?

Hailing a taxi from the street below her flat, she traveled to the train station.

The reader knows she is traveling. No need to restate it. Here's something you could do: Nicola hailed a taxi from the street below her flat. She crossed her arms against her chest in annoyed exasperation from the biting chill of ____(please name setting/town here). "To the train station, please." The man grunted in response. Huh! I didn't know he was a primate.

(Although this is only a suggestion, you can keep it the way it is)

~

Overall

You have a problem with dialogue. You need to add a period, question, or exclamation at the end of the dialogue always and you aren't doing that. Nicola had no character definition whatsoever and she seems like a pretty dull, boring character and the plot I found meh which is why I did not read to the end.

Hope I helped! :)

Thank you for such a detailed review.
I agree with most of the things you have suggested here, and appreciate an outsiders opinion. It is only when I read your feedback can I identify some of the things that need to be reviewed, so I thank you for that.
I am interested to know, where exactly did you stop reading?
With regard to character definition, you mention that an 'average human' wouldn't stand idly by whilst they hear screaming coming from an apartment. Does this not suggest that the character is not average? Is that not some sort of indication that perhaps her moral compass is a little skewed?
Thanks again for reading (Most of it, anyway.)

Aleta replied · Dec 27, 2016

I'd say so, that her moral compass is perhaps a little off the chart. A person would at least act in fear instead of unconcern or no care at all in the very least. Or a slight worry. I stopped reading around when Amanda says "Phillip". But your story does have a great potential, it's not bad at all.



Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe