1
It’s quite difficult to recall my entire life without bringing myself to talk about Mrs. May. Respectively, I begin with the day I first met her. I remember the day as a plain Tuesday; a sleepy morning, with gray air and fogged streets. I was woken up strangely early and given little information about why I was told to prepare so hastily. When I was done the morning routine, we headed out the door. My parents held my hands tightly as we walked down a long street, passing street vendors, who, seemed to pour their passions into selling various items with questionable value and origin. But perhaps it was(passion?).
I soon realized that I had reached the age of which my mother could no longer lend her eyes to me for the entire day and that she would have to commit to work again; meaning that I would have to be attended to by someone; someone who I did not know, but would soon get to. My father, tall and skinny, but with a strong chin, demanding blue eyes, some facial hair, and a narrow chin that directed his face to always look forward, glanced down upon my curiosity and said that I would be fine.
My mother, a kind woman, with a soft and lovable face, with tender red cheeks that often matched her lipstick, too, looked down at me and let her eyes form crows feet to agree with my father. When I was happy enough to believe my parents, I found myself in front of a set of cement stairs. The first step had hand shapes that were marked into the cement at a time when it was still moist. Next to the smaller hands was the name, “Cecily,” and next to the larger hands, “Mrs. May”. And above those hand markings, a remarkably memorable sign in bright green letters that read, “Mrs. May’s Daycare”.
I stared at these mementos closely, maybe closely enough to picture their emotions the days that they marked the ground, or put the sign up; but I was soon pulled to the top of the porch by my father. We stood, as a conjoined family, at the door and knocked politely. My father looked at his wristwatch, then to my mother and said: “
“I’m going to be late for work, hun,”
To which she replied:
“You’ll be fine.”
The door opened, and revealed a man. Certainly not Mrs. May, nor Cecily. I learned that his name was Harrison. Harrison seemed to like everyone he spoke to because when he engaged in verbal articulation, his words pronounced oddly due to his smile being stretched as far as it could go. He let us in, opening the door with his wide hairy hands.
“Go in,” he said.
I followed close behind the trail of roses from my mother’s dress and coat. The scent soon became entangled with the sharp aroma of food, and a mix of other things that my young nose could not decode, and what I can now not remember. I was told to sit down on a couch; the couch was comfortable and a couch that I would take many naps on. Soon it became mine as every time I slept on it, more and more of my saliva would seep into the cotton.
But in the early days, this being the first day, the couch was slobber free and I sat on it as I was told to. Still, I did not see Mrs. May, and at the time did not know that she would be the one out of all adults that I would remember most vividly. Harrison, with his brave voice, his exaggerated smile, his tall figure, convinced me that he would watch over me during the hours of my mother’s employment. He shook hands with both of my parents, then watched as they walked over to me.
My father leaned over, kissed my eight year old forehead and said:
“Alright kiddo. Mrs. May is going to watch over you. I’ve known her for a long time, and I know you’ll be just fine. Now I don’t want to come later and hear that you’ve been cutting up okay?”
He aimed his head down, with his eyes gently searching mine to find out my true feelings about being here. I assured him correctly of those things with a smile of my full set of teeth and a nod. My mother was a woman of very few words; so she only kissed the spot where his lips kept warm on my head, then left. I sat there, in a greenish room, with a television centered in the room, accompanied and supported by a small stool. A doorway to my right which by the sounds of pans and pots clicking, I believed to be the kitchen. And a room to my left with no sounds, to which I could not guess what it could be.
Mr. Harrison shut the door as my parents exited the tall building. He clapped his hands together, gave his patented smile that I assumed helped him throughout his life, then said:
“Well hello. I’m about to go get Mrs. May, but before I do, I want to let you know who I am. My name is Harrison, but you can call me Harry. I help take care of the children here,” he crouched down to where his forehead was leveled with mine. “What’s your name?”
“Corvo.”
“Corvo? That’s a strange name,” he caught his words rather quickly due to the sour expression on my face, “I mean it’s uh---it’s different. Yes, quite different. But listen, I won’t waste your time Corvo. I’m going to see if Mrs. May is here yet, so be right back.”
He stood up and swiftly left me in that cold room. Harrison seemed alright at this point, but what was I to think of this, this, Mrs. May? At that time, I thought of her as a holy woman. A tall priestess who loved children, who wore bright clothing, who smelled of spring’s award winning gardens, who smiled with actual happiness, who would say my name softly, who would rub my hair until I was heard snoring. Mrs. May, was all but those things. She was something much more, interesting.
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EDITED!
Hello, Antonio! Here to review.
First off, I really like the hook that this story ends with; I can't help but wonder who Mrs. May is, and what's so special about her.
That said, the wordiness of this story made it hard to get through. Take the first paragraph, for example:
This is sort of my standard advice, but I find it to be extremely helpful to me, at least: when you're reading through your story, read it out loud, or at least in your head. If the sentence seems doesn't read smoothly in your head, there's a good chance it won't read smoothly to your readers. There's a lot of unnecessary wording throughout this piece, and it muddled up the message of the story because I kept having to go back and re-read places that were simply too wordy.
Also, there were some places where simple actions were described in odd/excessive detail. For example, this bit:
To me, the part about the dad's eyes rolling back sounds like he's having some sort of seizure, though maybe I just don't understand it? And instead of saying "I assured him correctly of those things" -- which is sort of a cumbersome way to say it -- you could simply put it as he nodded, or something a little more concise.
Now, that aside, you already have two intriguing characters. Mrs. May, of course, and Harrison. Harrison strikes me as a character with a lot of potential for depth and development. You did a good job of describing his smile, and that in itself makes me wonder if he has some underlying sadness that he's striving to cover up?
A piece of advice, though: I understand you're working with a young child as your narrator, and the story hasn't progressed much, but don't be afraid to insert some personality and quirks into him. It can sometimes be difficult to show a first-person narrator's personality without going overboard with it, but at this point I don't really know your narrator. In fact, I don't know his/her name, or even if it's a boy or a girl. However, I get the impression he/she is a curious and observant person, from his/her observation of the handprints in the concrete (and excellent touch, by the way).
With some polishing and some time, I think you could have a very solid first chapter here. As I said before, you've got an excellent hook, which makes me eager to find the next chapter.
I hope this helped; if you have any questions or comments, please let me know.
Happy writing!
Thank you very much for the review! I'm literally about to add the edited version now, so check it out! And the second chapter is going to be edited in moments also!
Overall i enjoyed reading this, although there are a few things that need fixing. In "I remember the day like a plain Tuesday; a sleepy morning, with gray air and fogged streets. My parents held my hands tight as we passed street vendors who seemed to pour their passions into selling things. Perhaps it was(passion?).", makes it sound like this previously mentioned as profound day seem like just a regular mundane day that you remember with the same lack of excitement as any Tuesday. The third sentence should either be left out or in another clause of sentence two in my opinion.
In the second paragraph, the part "I soon realized that I had reached the age of which my mother could no longer lend her eyes to me for the entire day and that she would have to commit to work again; all to which I would have to be attended to by someone; someone who I did not know, but would soon get to. My father, tall and skinny, but with a strong face; demanding blue eyes, some facial hair, and a narrow chin that directed his face to always look forward, looked down upon my curiosity and said that I would be fine.", the paragraph sounds awkward. There is a huge chunk of description that is not necessary for the paragraph.
In the sentence, "I assured him correctly of those things. “Okay,” to Mrs. May watching me; “I won’t,” to him hearing of my distasteful behavior." makes it feel like you think the reader cannot decipher the meaning of her saying 'Ok, I won't.' While I am sure that you did not mean it in this way, it comes off that way.
Overall there was somewhat of an overuse of dialogue. I also did not like that you stopped the short story right when it was about to get interesting. I would suggest making a sequel.
I thought that it was a good story overall, but since it did not have a resolution I would consider making a second installment. Nice job, and keep writing!
Hey thanks for your suggestions! I edited this part about 2 days ago, I just forgot to update it on here. And there is a second chapter, check my profile!
No problem. Can't wait to read it!
Thanks for liking it! And she will be revealed when I add more!
Hi! I love this whole story its so much fun but who is Mrs. May, does this story continue? Sorry for my questioning but is she a stuffed animal? Or maybe a cat, could that be it?
Hi! I love this whole story its so much fun but who is Mrs. May, does this story continue? Sorry for my questioning but is she a stuffed animal? Or maybe a cat, could that be it?