Oh my god! I'm so nervous about posting this. I have about thirty pages more, but this is just the first part of the prologue.
Prologue (edited)
The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.
Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. [i]Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?
He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.
Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...
Edit: This isn't how I really ended the prologue. I just haven't finished it, ha. I have posted Chapter 1 somewhere-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic40663.html
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is quite the prologue here, although I do have to say before we dive into the piece properly at first glance this sounds a little bit incomplete and not in that good way that makes this a bit of a cliffhanger but rather where things are just kind of left hanging in a situation it probably shouldn't be so I think you should maybe take a look into that one.
Besides that little situation, this piece is quite well constructed from what I am seeing. I am loving that buildup at the start where things are still a bit on the vague side in terms of the stakes but we're told more than enough that as readers it is certainly quite interesting and it pulls us in to the story.
Then the way this sort of pans out to the main stakes there and really sort of drives the point home really works there in terms of getting the attention of us readers quite strongly here. I think you've done a really good job on that part, it just that things need to be rephrased a bit at the end perhaps to give things more of a final note than what we have so far.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks a ton, Camille (can I call you that?) and Kara!
This is the prologue I wrote when I was eleven. xD
After several months of procrastination, I'm actually writing the novel. Well, re-writing (long story)
Thanks again!
Hey
I have to admit to not reading the critiques you've gotten so far as my dad wants to use the computer in ten minutes, so sorry if I repeat anything that's been mentioned before ...
I really like this; "hauntingly still" sounds really nice.
This sentence is fine, technically, but for some reason it feels awkward to me. :s 'Covering' doesn't quite sound right ... I think the prose would be more, I don't know, colourful if you used a less common word. For example, "nothing moved, not even the leaves that sheathed the surrounding trees."
... Okay, so that sounds funny, but still. >.>
Mmm ... not sure how I feel about this. I get what you're trying to say, but you use a lot of different imagery and it gets kind of jumbled and confusing. It would sound much neater as just "suddenly, a thin, mournful howl pierced the silence like an arrow".
These two sentences are kind of abrupt; while they are important to the storyline, when put together like that they seem choppy and awkward to read. To make it less so, maybe you could try linking them by an event - such as, he identifies the howl and then raises his muzzle to see what his brother is up to.
Little mistake there with the italics
The double-use of Fang here it weird to read ... I think you can fix this by changing it around a little; for example "Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split-second later, it was followed by a group of humans carrying torches."
Apostrophe after "humans": humans' garments.
Switch around the bold words for a better flow: "the men were garbed completely in black". Also, this is really a matter of personal preference but I think that to make it sound crisper and stick with the other formal words used in this phrase (emblazoned, garbed) you could change 'except' to 'save for'.
A little voice in the back of my head is telling me you should change the period after 'hunters' into a semi-colon ...
--> In general, I find this intruiging. I'd like to know what happens next but I think this is just the bare bones of a story; it's like ... a skeleton in nice clothing. xD It has lovely descriptions (the clothing) but no real flesh; it's rather lacking in character development but that's hardly surprising since it's so short. I think, though, that you could fill us in a little on Bane's character (great name, by the way - I have a story with a wolf called Bane too
... Urgh, my dad's yelling at me now. -_- Let me know if you make changes to this and/or post more of this; it's a good start!
Cheers,
- Camille.<3
Hey Anti! I'm here, like I said I would be.
First up, you don't have to put thought. Just put disgusting. Anyway, we're in his point of view. ^^
You can take out the direction of the. It kind of killed the sentence. >.>
He began to sprint towards the howl.
A chill raced up his spine.
That would be enough since you explain the human garments in the next sentence. ^^
OVERALL: I like the fact that you established the setting quite easily. For some reason, I always forget to describe the surroundings. oO
I think that the name is a little cliche, but I can deal with that. There isn't much to review here, so yeah... ^^"
I love all the adjectives you added in here.
This is probably one of the best prologues I've read.
You give a lot of details, but not too much that you give away the story.
You kept me wondering and now I want to read more!
Don't ever be nervous about posting anything. Feel proud.
I must say that this is a very strong prolouge and it leaves me wanted more.
i don't see anything that needs fix by my eye.
Maybe i will read more.
see ya around.
There were so many critiques( you must be loved Haruno!) that I apologize for any repeat critiques. I am not fabulous when it comes to catching grammatical errors, but I'll try to touch on the flow of the piece. I'll do as much as I can, it isn't to long, should be able to work through the whole thing, though I don't think it's needed, it appears everthing has been touched on!
>>>The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.>>>
I think that this is a pretty good way to start out, but I would nix the word "surrounding" before trees. It clutters what you already have. I am feeling the same way with the word "
suddenly" before split. It just reads a little awkard. All in all though, this is a good opening paragraph.
>>>Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. [i]Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?>>>
Also nicely written, but I was caught of guard for a moment after 'humans" you might try 'human flesh' or ''human blood''. Also you keep to third person until the last line. Maybe if you added an "he asked himself" or something of that nature.
>>>He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang.>>>
You paint a good picture, but instead of using Fangs name twice , you could say maybe 'his brother', so nothing gets to repetitive.
>>>Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...>>>
You could start out with "Noticing the humans garments, chills raced up Banes spine" So the sentance doesnt begin with his name as often.
All in all, this is a catching prologue. I peronally love wearwolves, and the intensly personafied voice you give yours is to be admired. We get to see the world from the werewolves view, instead of the Hunters. There is nothing cliche about that!
Great prologue! The prologue reveals the story very interesting from the very beginning. i would write more about the story but i have nothing else to say because it has already been said by everyone else written to this story... well thats the pain of being the last xD keep the story coming very good work
Prologue (edited)
The summer night was hauntingly still. Nothing moved, not even the leaves covering the surrounding trees. A thin, mournful howl suddenly split the air, piercing through the silence like an arrow.
Bane recognized his brother's howl at once. The smell of humans drifted through the air. (Get this typo away) [i]Disgusting, he thought when he caught the scent. He lifted his head from the carcass of a freshly killed deer and sighed. What has Fang gotten himself into this time?
He began to sprint toward the direction of the howl. Bane had been running for less than a minute when he spied Fang, a silver dash in his peripheral vision. A split second later, a group of humans carrying torches raced after Fang. (weren't they after Fang all the time? Did the humans just form out of thin air? Choice of words should be changed.)
Bane noticed the humans garments, and a chill raced up his spine. The men were completely garbed in black, except for the crest of the royal family, which was emblazoned in silver on their shirts. They were demon hunters. Their purpose was to kill werewolves. If they caught Fang...
Edit: This isn't how I really ended the prologue. I just haven't finished it, ha. I have posted Chapter 1 somewhere...agh, I'm too lazy to find the URL.
Your lazy, wow... are you too lazy to poke the penguin?
Good work! I liked it, I normally hate (No offence to werewolf lover.) werewolf stories (or vampire.) But I liked this one. This is the second werewolf/vampire story that I thought to be good, ever (Though I don't read them very much.)
Keep up the good work.
*************************************************************************************
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE
[/quote]The funny things is, I have posted chapter one, but people only critique this! XD
[quote]
...well first thing after breakfast that is 
Everyone tells me to post more...
I did, but you won't read it.
Same thing with my chapter two... but I'll review your chapter one first thing in the morning
Total lack of character descriptions really kill this for readers. You also need to describe the environment more, three sentences just don't do the job.
Smell of humans, how do humans smell? Use that instead.
More detail on his kill and meal.
Detail the sprint, where was it? How far? Never give clockwork time, be natural and following.
Change a group of humans to something more fitting, and expand their descriptions. Even if it is an angry mob, give them defining traits and a key appearance, especially from rabble-rousers to a clear leader.
Don't tell us the plot points, show us.
The funny things is, I have posted chapter one, but people only critique this! XD
Everyone tells me to post more...
I did, but you won't read it.
Anyway, thanks again for the critique. I'm surprised people have responded so much... you are all really helpful!
This was really good. You said that you were afraid to post this,...... well don't be. You have a good start to a possibly publishable story one day. I didn't see a whole lot of errors.
You fixed the all the things that had mistakes. I've read this story before, but I didn't post anything because i wanted to see if you posted the rest. All of your spelling mistakes got fixed. I didn't see any grammer issues.
I thought it was pretty good other than the fact,.......... YOU NEED TO POST THE REST!!!!!!!!!
First paragraph was beautifully done, the words all flowed into one another nicely. ‘Suddenly’ is a word that can be used, but oft times shouldn’t. Someone once told me to show suddenly, rather than tell it, but that can be tricky, and involves using more words than I think you want to for this. I almost want to suggest the word ‘slipped’ as a substitute, but it’s not quite the same. It can convey a smoother image, if that’s okay. Or, if you still like the sudden image, maybe use a word like ‘ripped through’ in its place. Or just keep it how it is and get rid of ‘suddenly’. You *can* use it, but in this case, I think it detracts from your piece.
The rest was well done. Everything from the wording to the characters was near perfect. Grabs the reader’s attention. I know you say this isn’t the real end of the prologue, but you could do something else. I actually like how this ends, because the prologue is supposed to set the stage for the story. What happened before. So what you could do is divide your story into parts, and start each part with the next bit of the prologue. Just an idea, and it needs a certain type of prologue to be most effective. But still something to consider.
Cool, I like the way you create the atmosphere. Well here comes the hard/easy part of a review
: the critique 
You already said Bane, people will (probably) know who is speaking, so I would put it like: Disgusting, he thought.
Also the prologue was perhaps not perfectly tied up, the end seemed like that of flipping a page. Try to end it in a more...ending way.
Otherwise no complaining...yet. Everything else has already been said. Keep up the good work
well...what i want to say is that...it could be a bit better if you add some more description or some emotions to the text.
the part where the werewolf found out that he heard a howl, it would be better if you add some detailed description like what kind of smell he heard.
that is all i have to say.
though the idea is good,it just need some detailed description.
Wow. Dramatic.
You shouldn't feel nervous since (so far) it's a good story.
My only, very small, criticism, is that Fang "had" got himself into trouble rather than "has".
But do continue. If you want to move on with the story, I think you can. You've probably got enough of a prologue there, otherwise it will turn into a chapter.
Ok, first off, never ever be scared to post things. Especially if they're as good as this one. That's what we're all here for. Anyway, so far so good. Try to stay away stereotypical names for werewolves. (if that's what they are) Names such as Fang. I think too many animals with teeth are named Fang. It's just so...common. Sure, so far your story is GREAT, but maybe consider using different names. Ah, I'm so whiny. Ok, now post the entire prologue!
That completely realed me in. You did a good job with your comparison:
I'm assuming by this prologue, that the werewolves you are portraying are 'vegetarians'? As in, they only eat other animals apose to humans?
I'm eager to see where you are going with this. PM me when/if you write more.
Keep up the great work!
That completely realed me in. You did a good job with your comparison:
I'm assuming by this prologue, that the werewolves you are portraying are 'vegetarians'? As in, they only eat other animals apose to humans?
I'm eager to see where you are going with this. PM me when/if you write more.
Keep up the great work!
I posted more.
You really should not be nervous because this was really good. I really wish you had posted more, as everyone else said. Also you should find a title for it. I know that they can be a pain and you never think that the title you choose is good enough but it might draw more people to your righting. Remember you can always change it later if you find something better.
Well keep up the good work and hope to see more of your story.
Cait
I really liked it, and all of my own critiques have all ready been mentioned, haha.
One thing I'll say though is go ahead and continue writing with your story. A prologue serves to foreshadow upcoming events, not give new events like a regular chapter. So keep writing your story, and when you think of something that will happen, go back to the prologue and put in some words - or sentences - that will (rawr, I need a synonym here) foreshadow it.
Lmao. I look forward to your continuations. =]
Thank you for all the critique! I would post my 30 pages, but I have no idea how to finish the prologue! I know what has to happen in it, but I just can't seem to write it.
I have five chapters I could post, but I feel like people would be confused if the prologue wasn't finished.
oo good, I'm excited to read more! A few things...
I would italics 'disgusting'. Enter twice, italics then type 'what has fang gotten himself into this time?' so that it is:
That's all i could find, keep writing!!!
~Pandy~ (BECAUSE PANDAS ARE COOL!)
7/10! Keep writing, and PM me when you have more!
I think that it was great. You should post more. In my opinion you catch the readers eye with this.
You shouldn't be scared to post anything it great way for you too see what other think of your work. Whatever anyone post it is to help you become better. So keep posting.
I think that it was great. You should post more. In my opinion you catch the readers eye with this.
You shouldn't be scared to post anything it great way for you too see what other think of your work. Whatever anyone post it is to help you become better. So keep posting.
Disgusting needs quotation marks or italics to differ it as a thought and not narration.
"Sensed the scent" sounds awkward. You can't exactly sense smell. Try something like "when he caught the scent..."
"spied" to spotted. Spied sounds more gentle and lazier. He is actually searching for his brother, so spotted adds the element of finding him at last.
I like how you put that sentence together! It effectively paints the picture without sounding too wordy.
Except "in nearly all black", which is too confusing and stops the flow. Either they could be covered completely in black, or mostly in black. Try "the men were garbed completely in black, except..." Since you are using the "except" you can stick with just one description and then go on to qualify.
change "humans" to "humans' "
the more conventional way would be to say "raced down his spine" even change "raced" to "ran". I personally find that more fluent.
The ellipses don't really work for me. It leaves the thought unfinished which is something that doesn't work as a good last sentence. You want something more powerful, more of a page turner.
Overall, I think it is too short to work as an effective prologue. It should be able to hook the reader to the rest of your story. Make it as intense as possible. You want to make the best first impression.
Your character's voice is very developed and clear. The "disgusting" and question "what has he gotten..." give him a distinguished personality.
Use of metaphors and similies is lovely, keep it up =).
Hey, I really want to read the rest! PLEASE post. And don't be afraid to post. Comments are ment to better the writer. And when there is comments, there are people who still belioeve in you. So keep writing! I still believe in you, and I know that evryone else here at YWS does, too! And I'm NOT pep talking. I really mean it! I'm sure others do to!
Yes, please don't be nervous. Most people on here do give constructive critisism and would love to help you grow as a writer. So from now on, don't be afraid to post.
I see that you have a new first line with "haunting" in it, and I must say, I like that one better. Since you have a new line, go ahead and edit this one so people don't repeat themselves when they come to critique
This sounds kind of rhyme-y
Two things here. 1) Should be "silence" instead of "scilence" 2) Should be "an" instead of "and"
This is oddly worded. Maybe try: At once, Bane recongized the familiar twang of his brother's howl.
Okay, to comment on your length, yes, it is too short. But above, in the quote that I have, this is a perfect way to keep adding more to this. Why not continue to describe the hunt, the demon hunters, the chase. It would make the reader want to know more about Bane and Fang and all of them, you know?
Hopefully this helped, and keep posting!
Hey there Haruno Sakura. You shouldn't be so nervous when posting works on the site. People are trying to help you out to improve your writing abilities. You will not have to tolerate with someone making fun of your work. But if someone does, contact a moderator ASAP. I'll be keeping this short and sweet to get you up and running.
Omit either "still" or "silent" as they both contribute to the same idea.
Be more specific. What is this "nothing"? And can you show more of the setting that this is taking place in? You said that there are many trees so I assume that this is a park?
Keep your similes in context with the story and what's happening so that it doesn't seem detached from the piece. (i.e: What does arrows have to do with werewolves)? You've also spelt "silence" wrong.
How? Explain.
Why is it disgusting? Do not generalize, back up what Bane is saying with logical reasons and explanations.
The word "spied" doesn't work here. You spy at someone when you are hiding in some place, silently observing someone or something, not when someone's running.
I wish you good luck as you continue this piece.
Andy.
Yes, I do like that one better. You should use it.
Thank you so much.
Do you like this better for a first line:
The summer night was hauntingly still.
Lol, don't be nervous. It's usually fun to hear what people have to say about your work.
Comma after thin.
I'm pretty sure this is just something you did on accident. Silence doesn't have a c after the s, and I think you meant to put an instead of and.
Try using scent instead of aroma here.
So I think you're onto something. I like a good werewolf story every now and then. If there's anything else you'd like me to review, just PM me.
Ciao baby,
Dreamworx95,
XOXO
Hey! This was really good! I can't wait to see what you have to write. Don't be nervous about posting something! It was absolutely fantastic.
The only problem I saw was this
[/quote]The smell of humans drifted through the air. Disgusting, thought Bane when he sensed the aroma. [quote]
An aroma is something that smells good. You might want to use a different word here. It is very confusing.
But I absolutely want to read more! I love anything about werewolves. Please feel brave and post thos 30 pages worth of reading! =]
Becca
Don't be nervous. Although some people would rip others to shreds, mostly people give critism that helps!
First off, way too short. I know you have more, you should've posted it!
First line, too many s's. How about the summer nigth was still. Still and silent mean the same thing really.
Remove many from the next line. Take out the suddenly in the next setence, doesn't need it. Couple typos too: piercing through the silence like an arrow.
Bane recognised his brother's howl at once. (sounds less clunky)
Disgusting in quoation marks, please.
Apart from that, good. Just remember not to use too many similies and make it longer. Good luck!
Hey, I found something short. Ha, I love short.
Make up your mind here. Option 1: “The summer nice was still.” Or option 2: “The summer night was silent.” But not both. It’s too many words describing the night in such a small sentence.
Nix the word “many.” It sounds…strange.
First, I don’t think “scilence” is a word. I’m assuming you meant “silence.” Also, I don’t think the word “suddenly” is really necessary. Again, it’s just too much.
This just reads funny. Why not try: “Bane recognized his brother’s howl at once.”
I didn’t find any other problems with this. It’s a good opening but could probably use more depth. Give Bane a little more action prior to hearing Fang’s call. Let us see Bane on the hunt. It would be a grand opportunity for some action.