Secret Admirer

by Anouk

Published September 12, 2013

E - Everyone

In Secret Admirer

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Hello dear readers, this is my first attempt at a SasuHina fanfic. So be nice. I'm not sure if I've gotten most of the characters properly and not made them seem too OOC. This story is probably going to be a ONESHOT. My first attempt at it; might I add. I haven't written in a while. So I might be a little rusty. Your valuable feedbacks will be appreciated and also rewarded with a quick update. So make your choice wisely. *evil laugh*

I've had way too much free time cause of my illness, but haven't written anything. So I finally decided it was time to write. I needed the inspiration to distract me from my illness.

Hope you like my fic. Enjoy

Summary: Hinata has a new hobby; it's writing love poems. What happens when she decided to write one for Naruto, telling him how she loved him? What happens when her poems get delivered to 413 instead of 314? Whose locker did Tenten slip (or should I say shove) the poem in? Read and Find out!

LOVE POEMS

Chapter - 1

Hinata was lying on her bed and staring blankly at the television; that was turned off. She was blushing at the thought of Naruto and at what he had said earlier that day.

FLASHBACK –

Hinata was walking down the hallway with her bestfriennd Tenten. Tenten was going on and on about her date with Neji last week. All Hinata could do was listen to her talking about her 'overprotective' cousin, and laugh at his silly gentleman ways; well atleast his attempt at them.

Hinata knew Neji very well, she was aware that Neji was always shy to talk to a girl. He would never admit it; as his Hyuuga pride would be bruised. But then Tenten came along she was not like other girls. She was kinda like a tomboy with enough (more than Hinata) sense of fashion.

'I still remember how Neji proposed to Tenten and how she had reacted to his proposal.' Hinata wondered while half-listening to Tenten go on.

She quickly changed her chain of thought reminding herself "Before I go into a flashback within a flashback; it's time that I told you the reason behind my endless blushing."

FLASHBACK CONTINUES –

As I was so lost in thought about Tenten and Neji's date, I forgot to see where I was going and I ran right into someone's masculine chest.

I bumped into the other person so hard that he fell and I landed right on top of him. While falling I shut my eyes close, not wanting to see how I meet my 'end', and I didn't mean the fall, I actually mean the person I landed on.

Sasuke Uchiha

We were like that for a few minutes until Sasuke broke the silence, "Hey Hyuuga, anytime now!" he finished with a command in his voice and a disinterested look appearing on his face. The two didn't go well together, but since it was Sasuke Uchiha it didn't matter if it didn't go well together. Cause he was the Prince of this school. Any girl would be excited to be glared at by him and lie in the same position and even earn his bark; but not me.

Hinata Hyuuga.

I had my sights set on only one person, Uchiha Sasuke's bestfriend; and I planned on keeping it that way. Even though I had minor roadblocks, like getting him to know I existed. Other than that everything was on track.

"Ah! I'm sorry Uchiha-san, I wasn't looking and I didn't mean to bump into you", Hinata rambled on, only to meet his deadly gaze; which in turn was causing her to reconsider even breathing in front of the creature.

"Whatever! Just get off, before you get into any sort of trouble with those people." He said and pointed towards the other direction, where Sasuke's fan girls were giving Hinata the ultimate death glare.

"I-I… yes" Hinata stammered while trying to get off the prince. For some strange twisted reason, at that point of time her body felt weak and she couldn't find the strength to get up. So instead she did what was only natural, but at the same time life threatening; she feel right on top of Sasuke again.

In turn she received a sigh from Sasuke and more death glares from the overly attached fangirls.

The good part of the whole encounter came out of nowhere, when a hand out of nowhere grabbed her petite waist and hoisted her up. She was surprised out of her wits; and trust me Hinata was one of the smartest people in the school.

She slowly dared to look up at the person holding her by her waist and so close to his chest. She began blushing madly when she realized that the person holding her was none other than her crush and Sasuke's bestfriennd.

Naruto Uzumaki

"N-Naruto t-thank y-you" she stammered. 'Great! Now the stammering decides to kick in' she mentally cursed.

"Are you okay Hinata?" he asked in his oh-so-sexy voice and a concerned look on his face. Now Naruto knew how to put those two (voice and expression) together. He looked and sounded heavenly.

"I-I'm f-fine" she said weakly. 'Bah! I'm hopeless' she cursed herself mentally for being so nervous around him. 'Wait a minute, he knows my name?' it suddenly dawned on her, that her little accident (as she might call it; while the fangirls would call it a stunt to gain the mighty Sasuke's attention) had gotten Naruto to finally notice her existence. Finally one roadblock out of the way, it was clear sailing from here on out.

He grinned at Hinata's lame response wholeheartedly. Hinata couldn't take it anymore. Her endless blushing caused her entire body to heat up and in turn she just fainted in the arms of her prince charming.

After that all I remember was waking up in the nurse's office. I was surprised to see Neji sitting next to me. 'I wonder how Neji came to know about my accident.' Hinata thought curiously. She shifted her gaze to the door and saw Tenten standing there.

'Figures' she thought mentally.

"Hinata, I'm taking you home." said Neji.

END OF FLASHBACK-

I know it pretty pathetic, but then again try having a crush on such a dense guy who is also unaware of your existence (well up until today, that is) and then let me know. "Bah! It's killing me!" Hinata screamed loudly in her mind.

"Naruto… Naruto… Naruto… Naruto… Naruto… Naruto… Naruto… Naruto…" she chanted his name like a mantra and every time she said his name her face would turn a different shade of red. If it wasn't so weird; her blushing could be considered as a superpower.

Suddenly she jerked up from her bed and clapped her hands together. "Aha! I know what I should do!" she half said and half squealed out loud. "I should write love poems for Naruto; but I won't tell him it was me. I'll be like his secret admirer." She blushed at the thought of how awesome her plan was. She giggled like a mad woman. If it weren't from Hinata the giggle would have sounded diabolic.

"Bwahahaha….I'm a genius' she stated whilst giving herself a well deserved pat on her shoulder. 'God job Hinata, god job indeed!"

She walked up to the table in her room and sat down on the chair. She pulled out a clean new white sheet of paper; began scribbling something. After what seemed like hours of scribbling Hinata finally put down the pen; she jumped excitedly around her room, screaming. "I did it! Yipee! Naruto here I come."

Neji looked up from his book with disgust in his expression; but anxiety in the back of his mind, "I hope she doesn't get hurt because of that idiot." He thought rather pitifully.

The Next Day

Hinata was humming all through the way to school. Tenten kept eyeing Hinata every two minutes to see if she was doing alright; but by the look of it she was doing fantastic.

"So who are you thinking about?" asked Tenten abruptly.

Hinata suddenly stopped; walking and humming. She looked at Tenten with shocked eyes, wondering what prompted her to ask such a question. "I… uh… no one." She said sounding rather unsure of herself. Tenten caught on the lie. 'Boy was her friend naïve.'

"Hinata I know you better than that" Tenten said authoritatively. While her actions far from it; as she was poking Hinata's arms. "So is it that Naruto guy or that Uchiha guy?"

Hinata blushed a bright shade of red; she cursed herself mentally for being at a loss of words and for being so darn obvious.

"Hmm…I wonder if it's both?!" Tenten questioned more to herself than Hinata. "Ah! Hinata you two timing-" Tenten was cut off mid sentence by Neji; who appeared out of nowhere. 'He did that a lot, must talk to him about sneaking up n people' Tenten made a mental note.

"Who is two timing?" Neji said snapping Tenten out of her process of making a mental note.

"Aha! No one Neji darling" said Tenten with a pout. Neji blushed a slight shade of crimson. "Gosh! He loved Tenten and whatever she said goes." He thought.

"Well I'll let you two lovebirds catch up." Hinata winked and ran ahead.

"Hey Hinata I'll get you later for this" shouted Tenten mentally; she looked at Neji seductively and said "Now where was I?"

Hinata happily jogged all the way to school. As she entered the school she was met by a certain blonde. Her face turned a slight shade of crimson.

"Hey Hinata!" cheered Naruto happily, "How ya feeling?"

"I-I'm feeling fine" said Hinata. "Well atleast it's better than yesterday; I'm not stuttering as much" she thought happily with a blush on her face.

Naruto gave her a questioning glance and began to speak, "Are you sure?" He finished and put his hand to her forehead, "Well you certainly don't have a fever…"

Meanwhile, Hinata was going mad. Her face was beet red; her heart was beating at an alarming rate. Her body was heating up. She felt breathless. "OH GOD!" she repeated over and over again.

"I guess you really blush a lot" said Naruto and grinned; showing all of his teeth. "It suits you…you look…" he was trying to come up with the perfect word to describe her, "Cute!"

'OMG! Naruto Uzumaki thinks I'm cute!' Hinata had reached her limits. On the outside she had frozen like a sculpture; slowly registering every tiny detail of his words. On the inside she was jumping up and down with excitement. How much could a girl in love take?

"Oi, Uzumaki what are you doing to my cousin?" Neji said with a lot of displeasure at the sight of Naruto's hand on Hinata's forehead.

(a/n: Naruto still had his hands on her forehead)

Hinata snapped back to the harsh reality. 'Stupid Neji; she mentally cursed. 'I didn't even get to faint' she thought.

"Ah…um…nothing Neji" said Naruto rubbing the back of his head and smiling.

"Well whatever guys…get a room" said Tenten out of nowhere. 'God Neji was rubbing on her, even his habits.' She locked hands with Hinata and walked away.

The two boys watching in utter embarrassment; as the two girls left their sight. They both looked at eachother, Naruto gave Neji an awkward smile. While Neji glared at him and walked off.

"So Hinata…" said Tenten, "its Naruto, isn't it?"

Hinata looked at Tenten; she figured it out so soon. Then it hit her. 'She was the most transparent person on the face of the earth."

Hinata sighed in defeat; "Yes" she answered and stared at the ground, feeling Tenten's eyes on her.

"Aha! I knew it" stated Tenten; 'Captain Obvious'. Almost everyone knew about this; except the one and only Naruto Uzumaki.

Hinata looked at Tenten still a little surprised. 'Should I tell her about those poems?' she asked herself that question over and over again.

"Tenten" said Hinata abruptly. "I have to tell you something."

Tenten raised an eyebrow at Hinata's sudden bluntness. "Shoot!" she said with a wink.

"I'm thinking about confessing" she said looking more mature and serious. 'Had she always been that tall?" Tenten thought absently.

"What?" Tenten screamed while her jaw was already on the ground.

"Yes!" She said sounding even more confident. "But...Before you jump to any sort of conclusion."

Tenten blinked.

"I'm not going to confess directly" she said.

Tenten blinked more.

"I'm gonna…" she pulled.

Tenten blinked harder… Anticipating what Hinata had in store for her.

"Be his secret admirer" Hinata finished with a broad smile on her face.

Now Tenten had, had enough; either Hinata was being 100% honest or she was seriously messing with her head; and she sure didn't want it to be the latter.

She grabbed Hinata by the shoulder and rocked her back and forth. "Woman you being honest or…"

All that shaking was making Hinata dizzy.

"T-T-Tenten s-s-stop i-i-it" Hinata barely managed to stutter the whole sentence.

Tenten quickly retreated herself from the action, "Oh sorry Hinata" she said while rubbing the back of her head.

Hinata was still seeing stars. Tenten was embarrassed at her actions. "Hinata you okay?" she inquired nervously. "Y-yes" the pale eyed girl barely managed to breathe the words.

"So are you sure?" Tenten asked again; this time more civilized.

"S-S-Sasuke-" before she could explain further, Tenten cut it, "WHAT?!" Hinata slowly pointed the other way.

"Sup!" A new voice came out of nowhere. Tenten turned around to see the 'obviously' uninvited person.

Sasuke Uchiha.

"Hello" Hinata said meekly. Tenten on the other hand said more imposingly "Yo Uchiha."

Sasuke moved stealthily past Tenten; he walked to Hinata with something shiny in his fingers. Tenten blinked at his movement while Hinata stood there blushing a new found shade of crimson.

"I believe this is yours." Sasuke stated coldly. Hinata, who was looking deep into his onyx eyes, looked down at what he was holding. The realization hit her like a wall of bricks, it was her ear ring. She had completely forgotten about it up until now that is. Somewhere around yesterday she has dropped it in school; after worrying sick about it; finally deciding that she'd look for it in school. She diverted her attention to her beloved Naruto and on being his secret admirer.

"Oh my goodness!" Hinata almost cried, "Where did you find it? I thought I lost you forever." She began tearing up at the sight of her ear ring. Sasuke watched in amusement. She wasn't talking to him, but to her ear ring. This little piece of accessory must be pretty valuable considering a girl was willing to not acknowledge the great Sasuke Uchiha's presence. On top of all she had not yet stopped her conversation with the ear ring to look up and thank him.

As if on cue Hinata bowed her head with gratitude and she kept repeating, "Thank you so much Sasuke. You have no idea how important this is for me. Thank you so much. If there is anything I could do to repay you. Please don't hesitate to ask."

He raised his hand in front of her face and mouthed the words, "Save it!"

Hinata just blinked at him and bowed again, "Thank you Sasuke. Goodbye" With that said she grabbed Tenten by the arm and led her to a quieter place; where hopefully they wouldn't have any more intrusions.

Sasuke just stared at the spot where the pale eyed girl had stood, just moments before she left. 'This girl didn't fancy me; interesting.' He thought rather amused. This was certainly new for Sasuke. He was so used to the annoying attention from those irritating fangirls that; seeing as someone who was a girl didn't fancy him. The idea of this girl and her ideologies was indeed…refreshing.

He didn't hang around too long after that. He was on his way; to wherever it is that he was going.

"Hinata don't you have class?" Tenten inquired.

"Yes I do Tenten. But first I need you to do something for me." Hinata said eagerly, "You see I can't miss my first class, as it is the day Kakashi sir gives us our bio test results. On the other hand Neji told me your teacher was absent and the first period was given for self study."

Tenten nodded; she did have a point. 'But where was all this 'point' leading to' she thought.

"So I want you to deliver my letter to Naruto. You have to slip it in his locker. It's as easy as that." She said all too excitedly.

Tenten looked at her friend with utter shock. 'When did Hinata become a mastermind planner?'

"Hinata why me?" Tenten cried nervously.

"Because you're the only one I can trust" Hinata looked at her with her innocent eyes. 'God! She couldn't resist those Hyuuga eyes. Be it Hinata or be it Neji. Those eyes were just so hard to refuse.' She sighed; clearly defeated.

"Yipee!" Hinata hugged Tenten. "Thank you so much Tenten. I love you so much. I owe you one."

Tenten smiled weakly, the Hyuuga's were trouble. "So his locker number is 314. Don't forget. It's 314 and not 413." Hinata gave Tenten crisp information about Naruto's locker number.

"Fine." Tenten said finally, "I got it. It'll be done Princess." Hinata blushed at the nickname. She hugged Tenten and handed her the letter and ran off to class.

Hinata sprinted down the hallway, passing a "NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAY" sign. She was a bad girl now. The thought was exciting. She reached her class just on time; she entered the class to see that most of the students had already found their respective seats. Hinata looked around nervously; she had to find an empty seat. At the back of the class she saw her friend Kiba wave at her and point that there was an empty seat. She swiftly moved around to the back and sat down between Kiba and Shino. Apart from Tenten, Shino and Kiba were here only friends in class. The girls found her weird, while the guys didn't really care.

Kakashi sir walked into class with his usual novel in his hands. He sat on the chair and laid his legs on top of the desk. He slowly looked up from his novel to meet the expectant student's eyes. He remembered that, today these midgets were to get their test papers. He got up from his chair and waved the biology test papers in his hands. "Yes I have your papers. See!" he said waving them even more above his head. "I will call you one by one. Collect you papers and sit back down in your seats. I don't care if you have a doubt. You each got the marks you deserved."

He called each student by name. Hinata wasn't really paying attention to the names being called out, as she was too busy worrying about Tenten's covert operation. But when a certain blonde's name was called; Hinata quickly turned her attention towards him. He walked passed Hinata, looking straight ahead. Hinata blushed at the sight of him passing by her. Unaware that a certain Uchiha was watching very carefully every change of color on the pale eyed beauty's face. He smirked, 'she likes that idiot.' The thought was rather disturbing. Why would anyone in their right mind like that idiot. He's weird and annoying on every possible level.

"Naruto, pay attention in class; if your grades keep dropping I'm gonna have to take extra class. And I don't wanna waste my precious time on extra class." Kakashi said warning him.

"Yeah..." Naruto said and snatched the paper from Kakashi and stomped back to his seat. Without giving a second glance to his surroundings or the girl with pale eyes who was watching him worriedly.

"Sasuke Uchiha" Kakashi called and Hinata paid attention to the name being called. The help he did for her in the morning made her blush and look his way. He smirked at the girl who looked his way and gracefully got off his seat and walked up to Kakashi.

"Well done Sasuke. I'm impressed." Kakashi stated blankly. Partly because nobody could tell the expression on his face as it was covered with a mask. Kakashi mentioned something about being majorly allergic to anything in the air; when asked the reason behind the mask. But the smart ones knew otherwise; about their perverted teacher.

"Hn" with that Sasuke grabbed the paper and walked off to his seat. Not before stealing a glance from the blue-black haired Hyuuga. Hinata blushed when she realized she had been staring.

"Hinata Hyuuga" was the next name called by Kakashi. She got up from her seat and walked over to Kakashi. "Congratulations on scoring the highest marks again Hinata."

She blushed at the compliment. Hinata grabbed her paper and walked back to her desk without looking at anyone in particular. Almost as if on cue, the bell rang and Kakashi walked out off class. They had PE next.

Kiba jumped from his seat to Hinata's. "Woah! You're like some genius." Hinata blushed at Kiba's compliment.

Naruto had appeared out of nowhere in front of Hinata. Hinata blushed as he suddenly appeared; agreeing with Kiba he said, "Yeah Hinata you're super smart. Can you please tutor me?" Hinata almost choked on her tongue. She couldn't believe that she was hearing Naruto asking her for her help.

In Hinata's mind she was dancing and singing; "Ain't nobody gonna stop you now."

"Sure" she said without stuttering, surprising herself. For some odd reason Hinata felt a shiver run down her spine as if someone where shooting death glares at her; but she immediately shrugged off the idea.

Today was gonna be a long day she thought.

Author's Note: Ohayo minna! God it's been ages since I've written or even made an update for that matter. I know I should've finished off my previous stories, but I had this story lying around for a while and I have also been reading a lot of SasuHina, HinaGaa. In short Hinata centric fanfics.

So tell me how you like the story? It was supposed to be a ONESHOT, but honest truth my fingers started aching midway and I had been writing since 2 in the afternoon. It's almost 7:30 now. I decided that maybe I could afford to have an extra chapter for this fic.

Plus if you people wanted to read a nice detailed and probably a story free of grammatical errors. I bet you wouldn't mind waiting. And you know how rare it is for me to make anything seem interesting without sounding choppy about it.

Anyways Please READ & REVIEW.

No READING & RUNNING. Because I will find you and I will make you review. Lol

Love you peeps.

Looking forward to your reviews and valuable suggestions on my writing; has it improved?

Love

Anouk

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
AmethystNight
Review
AmethystNight wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

An avid Naruto fan here, ready to look through this fanfic and see how much Kyaing it makes me do. Before I start, I must admit that I am a NaruHina fan, so SasuHina just cnfuses me, but I shall keep an open mind.
Ok, so, you have the character of Hinata pretty much perfect. The blushing, the stuttering, the humbleness, very Hinata. Naruto is also very well written, chearful, spontaneous, constantly making Hinata blush. You also mastered the moodiness of Sasuke but I think that you could benifit from adding some of the brooding he does into it - he's a little too chearful Sasuke at the moment.

Hinata was lying on her bed and staring blankly at the television; that was turned off.

The semicolon isn't needed here.
I got very confused at one point during the flashback when you switched from third to frist person and back again.
he asked in his oh-so-sexy voice and a concerned look on his face.

Should be '...voice with a concerned look on his face.' Also, and this mainly just my personal opinion, I don't think anyone, even Hinata, would refer to Naruto as sexy. I can imagine her calling him sweet, passionate, cool even, but never sexy.
If it wasn't so weird; her blushing could be considered as a superpower.

Another semicolon that should be a comma. This happens a few times. You might want to look back over how to use a semicolon.
"I… uh… no one." She said sounding

When writing dialogue with a 'he said', 'she said', it is all one sentence. Therefore, the dialogue shouldn't end with a full stop and the 'she said' should have a lowercase 's'.
Kakashi sir walked into class with his usual novel in his hands.

Kakashi sir sounds very strange. Mr Kakashi, or just sticking with Kakashi sensei would work better.
if your grades keep dropping I'm gonna have to take extra class.

Firstly , this should be 'you're gonna have to take...' and, secondly, it should be 'extra classes'.
This is a very cute piece and I think that you've presented the characters very well. I like that you've stayed true to their personalities - some fanfics make drastic changes but this struck me as true Naruto. I have to say, I haven't been converted. I guess I just can't imagine Hinata and Sasuke together, but the way that you explain Sasuke's feelings for her was clever and struck me as something that Sasuke might do. Good job, keep up the good work.

Anouk replied · Sep 30, 2013

Thank you for the review. I agree that I use semicolons randomly. And I'm working on that. The other chapters have most definitely less number of semicolons though.
I always end up using a few Japanese terms here and there, and somebody once told me to correct that. So I try to avoid using Japanese while writing. Though I admit Kakashi sir sounds rather strange.
Thanx again for your review. I'll try improving. :)

User avatar
Holysocks
Comment
Holysocks commented Comment · Sep 17, 2013

Hi there!

I haven't read the whatya-micall-ems, but I found this very, very entertaining! ( You should write more often!!! ) The thought of writing secret love poems, or anything, and leaving them for someone else to find, is just SO exciting for me. :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P

*Jumps up and down*

I think Tenten is so awesomely funny, and all the characters really, are just soooooooo perfect! Except, I do find that Sasuke and Naruto are very much the same, maybe there's something you could do to make them more... Unique. You know? I get that they must be friends for a reason, but ya.

You're going to finish it... Right? PLEASE!!! I beg of YOU! :shock: Sorry, I'm a bit attached.

Also, I liked your "Author's Notes," yep. That was great!

See you around!!!

-Socks

I didn't mean to post twice!!!

Anouk replied · Sep 19, 2013

Haha...I'm s glad you like it. As a matter of fact, I've already written chapter 2. I'll post it as soon as I have some review points. :D Chapter 3 is almost done too. Thank you so much for the review. Seeing your fabulous review is the best thing that happened. :D And yep I'll try making Sasuke and Naruto more Unique. :D

AWESOME. :-P

User avatar
Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · Sep 17, 2013

Hi there!

I haven't read the whatya-micall-ems, but I found this very, very entertaining! ( You should write more often!!! ) The thought of writing secret love poems, or anything, and leaving them for someone else to find, is just SO exciting for me. :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P

*Jumps up and down*

I think Tenten is so awesomely funny, and all the characters really, are just soooooooo perfect! Except, I do find that Sasuke and Naruto are very much the same, maybe there's something you could do to make them more... Unique. You know? I get that they must be friends for a reason, but ya.

You're going to finish it... Right? PLEASE!!! I beg of YOU! :shock: Sorry, I'm a bit attached.

Also, I liked your "Author's Notes," yep. That was great!

See you around!!!

-Socks

Anouk replied · Oct 15, 2013

Hi hi...Thank you for the review. Actually I've updated 3 more chapters in this story, I just haven't posted it here. If you want you're most welcome to read it on fanfiction.net. It's under Anouk Chizatz. I'm so glad you like my story. I'll try working on making the characters more unique. Thank you so much for your review! :D

User avatar
GoldFlame
Review
GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Sep 12, 2013

Hi, Goldflame here!

My sister used to be obsessed with Naruto, but I haven't really got to know what it's about. So this review is going to be focused on the actual content; don't worry about getting any characters wrong :P.

Interesting idea! I also like the way that you jump between characters' points of views; it adds to the piece. Just a few suggestions...

Some of the sentences were a little choppy. For "Hinata was lying on her bed and staring blankly at the television; that was turned off", you might want to consider, "Hinata was lying on her bed and staring blankly at the television, which was turned off." Only use semicolons when really necessary, and to separate two joined sentences. In this once part, though, it should just be omitted: "He was on his way; to wherever it is that he's going." It's all sentences that are easy to tweak; I'm sure that if you ran through it, you could correct them quickly.

There were a few grammatical mistakes, as well. For the dialogue, the speaker's tag MUST follow a comma, question mark, or exclamation point, and then the quotation marks (unless it's a cutoff, like: "I guess that I'll have to--" "It's fine, ____. I can handle it." Some missing commas in other places, too...

Now to the flashback. I thought that you should have done a smoother transition into it, rather than writing "flashback" at the beginning. A thing like writing "Flashback" is totally unneeded in stories; that's why you don't see them in published novels and shorts! It was a bit distracting for me as a reader.

Ah, what else? The actual writing was kinda cheesy for my liking.

Since I haven't read any of your previous work, unfortunately, I can't tell you whether it's improved or not. Overall, however, I thought that it was a great piece. I hope that I wasn't too hard on it! Keep writing!

GoldFlame

Anouk replied · Sep 19, 2013

Thank you for the review. I'll work on the grammatical mistakes. I agree completely, I have a habit of sounding choppy. I'll work on that. Thank you for reviewing. :D

Your welcome! Sorry again for being nitpicky.

Anouk replied · Sep 21, 2013

Not at all. It was quite helpful. Hey if I didn't want the criticism I wouldn't post my work online. So thank you :D



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy