Bruises

I have to say in advance, I simply adore it when the cliche use of scars is replaced by bruises. It loses a little bit of meaning when you add that simple aspect of ephemerality, but it takes away some morbidity whilst keeping the notion of pain.

The feeling that you convey in this piece is extraordinary, but it seems to lack a common theme. The first few lines talk of a loss of meaning in life, but then a second character joins the narrator. Here the poem speaks of duty, being indebted to the one who saved him. As you approach the end, a moral is added to the story. These three separate ideas are as such that they could flow very nicely from one to the next; however, you are a tad shy of achieving this. The way I read it, this poem already has three parts, and, although the current layout has a certain aesthetic appeal, I think you would benefit from making three stanzas. This way the change of theme would be easier to discern, thus preventing confusion in the eyes of the reader.

Another comment I had focused on punctuation. The majority of the lines end with a definite period, but there are a few lines that don't. I find this detracts from the structure that is present in most of the poem. It is possible that this slight discrepancy could be fixed with the addition of commas at the end of the line. On the subject of commas, there are a few places where you use a dependent clause to start an idea, but you don''t use a comma afterwards. "As I look to the blue sky" should be followed by a comma, and For every tear that’s been shed for me" as well. Other places in the poem this is not at all a problem and commas are correctly used.

Please don't feel obligated to listen to my commentary as you are the author and have the power to do as you like with art.
Good job and keep writing!!

I have no criticism , I think this is an amazing piece of poetry keep writing, good luck with all

Hi, Weather here to review.

I liked the general story and imagery you created here. It was an emotional piece which I think you put a lot of thought and effort into writing. I also liked how it ended on an inspiring note, it didn't carry on with the somber tone most poems about anything pain related does.

There is always room for improvement but I haven't got very much to critique so they will mainly just be nitpicks.

"As I look to the blue sky"

Here, I think the description of "blue" is a bit bland to describe the sky, there are much more powerful words that set the tone of forlorn or sad or whatever you were intending.

"If it weren’t for you I would not be standing here saying this poem."

Here you have a grammatical error. The word, "weren't" isn't correct in this line. It's meant to be, "wasn't". This line seems a bit awkward to me, it lacks a certain poetic flow, it's not written in a formal way as the rest of your poem so it stands out oddly.

You have some line lengths that are a bit too long in comparison to some of your others. They interrupt the flow at times so be careful with equal syllables.

Overall a nice piece, keep writing. Hope I made more sense than nonsense.

--Weather

Deadman here with a review. Ooof, I'm tired so excuse me if a make a few mistakes while reviewing or perhaps miss something. Bruises, that's interesting, most people use scars to represent something like this. You used bruises, but still tied in scars, but the main concept was still the bruises. That's actually something different than what I'm used to. Nice!

I really do like the concept. I know what it's like to go through something like this, so it's a touching piece. You summed it up pretty well actually. Your flow was nice, and you painted a nice image as well. Now it's incredibly interesting, At first I thought you where going to rhyme more, but you didn't. This is fine though. On to my nitpicks.

"For every tear that’s been shed for me

I can’t help but feel responsible."

After that first line there is no punctuation, that is generally fine, but seeing as everywhere else there is, it seems out of place. In this situation, a comma would do you just fine.


Not much that I could find really. It's a great poem, and I'd like to see more from you in future. I hope my review helped you even a little. Really good poem, great flow, great concept, and interesting twist. Until next time, happy writing.



Cheers,



Deadman XD