One Man for Himself - Chapter 1: The Flight

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a fun little first chapter, it certainly sounds like a pretty intriguing tale that I would personally read on after seeing this at the start, seems like it could be quite a cool story. At any rate, more details down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A man with his prized Ak-47, Glock 18, and Butterfly Knife stood against everything evil in ane attempt to save to world. This is the story of a man named Rufus. Now Rufus wasn't always such a proactive warrior but extreme circumstances forced him to become the killer he is today. It all started when the Hulzi Nation attacked the peaceful nation of Oplgzi seeking to conquer the world, as Oplgzi was the last step to succeeding in this goal. With all the world against them Oplgzi's warriors fought bravely to keep the last free stronghold free. This hope is what drove the factory workers, farmers, and everyone else to fight. Alas though they fought bravely, Oplgzi quickly succumbed to the overwhelming sheer number of the enemy troops, those who survived the onslaught that befell Oplgzi were captured. Some of the prisoners were tortured for information while most were shipped off to labor camps or factories to start producing war products. Within 3 fortnights all of Oplgzi had been subdued, except for one man: Rufus.

Once just a poor blacksmith barely making by with his low income constantly wondering if he would be able to afford to pay his bills next month. His life was thrown into chaos the night his town was attacked, he was torn from his sleep by the sounds of women and children screaming and the deafening sound of gun fire all around him. He quickly dressed and grabbed a few items on his way out, his butterfly knife, glock 18, and a water purifier, and ran out the door and into the streets. As soon as he reached the streets he made a break for the forest that surrounded his town. A lone warrior coming out of an alley walked straight into Rufus as he fled. Frantically Rufus dropped the water purifier and whipped out his knife, proceeding to stab the warrior in the gut several times. He then dragged the body back into the same alley it had walked out a minute before. He took the man's Ak-47 seeing that the water purifier had broken when he had dropped it. Fleeing into the woods, no one seemed to notice as his silhouette rapidly disappeared into the night. After he was well into the woods he heard a faint alarm bell ringing, "Seems someone found that body." Rufus thought to himself on his way to find some sort of shelter.

Picking his way through the woods Rufus stumbled upon a cave set into a cliff face roughly a league from his town. It was a well hidden location where Rufus hoped to set up camp. The cave itself had an opening of about 2 meters high and 1 wide which opened up into a sizable cave approximately 30 meters long, 15 meters high, and 16 meters wide in a rough oval shape. The floor was made up of cool sand near the front which transitioned into slightly rough rock the farther you went back, eventually making the complete transition around 17 meters into the cave. He began to gather wood for a fire in hope of lasting more than just a few days. After collecting dry wood, to ensure no smoke would give away his position, he gathered stones and set up the fire. Stacking the excess off to the side he lit the fire and dozed off after the long and stressful night.

Hello,

I sure can tell that this is going to be one terrific story, invasion and empires, my favourite kind of thing in a story!

Just one tip: Change 'ane' to 'an', as this is spelt wrong.

But anyway I like how you've built up a tense atmosphere to begin with, how the reader is thrown into the action almost immediately!

This is a great start to the story, and I can't wait to see more!

LordofLit101

Hi! This is a very interesting story so far and I think that you can do great things with it. Although I have some tips:
In the first paragraph you put, "in ane attempt to save to world". I'm going to guess that you meant, in an attempt to save the world.
Also I don't quite understand why Rufus killed that man. I know that they were under attack, but it seems like he had a plan set in his head and I was confused. I feel like the story would flow better if you had Rufus narrating the story.
Also you put to many he, his, him in there. You should try putting his name in there a little more often.
That is all I have to say, great job with this story, I can see it going places. I'm exciting to get more explanation in the next chapter.

Keep Writing,
B. E. Writer

Hi! This is a very interesting story so far and I think that you can do great things with it. Although I have some tips:
In the first paragraph you put, "in ane attempt to save to world". I'm going to guess that you meant, in an attempt to save the world.
Also I don't quite understand why Rufus killed that man. I know that they were under attack, but it seems like he had a plan set in his head and I was confused. I feel like the story would flow better if you had Rufus narrating the story.
Also you put to many he, his, him in there. You should try putting his name in there a little more often.
That is all I have to say, great job with this story, I can see it going places. I'm exciting to get more explanation in the next chapter.

Keep Writing,
B. E. Writer

Wow! You're great at explaining in stories. When I try to do that...well, let's just say it goes down hill. The plot is interesting and the suspense was good. Here is a tip- don't use real numbers when writing. So like when you wrote '2 meters high'; it should be 'two meters high'. Other than that, it's going great. keep it up!

( why did the message just double?! )

Wow! You're great at explaining in stories. When I try to do that...well, let's just say it goes down hill. The plot is interesting and the suspense was good. Here is a tip- don't use real numbers when writing. So like when you wrote '2 meters high'; it should be 'two meters high'. Other than that, it's going great. keep it up!

You should try to break up the paragraphs more, it can stress readers eyes if their so long. Also, you don't need to say rufus so much- A lone warrior coming out of an alley walked straight into Rufus as he fled. Frantically Rufus dropped the water purifier and whipped out his knife, proceeding to stab the warrior in the gut several times. and here Picking his way through the woods Rufus stumbled upon a cave set into a cliff face roughly a league from his town. It was a well hidden location where Rufus hoped to set up camp. you can just change it to he. But it was really good! keep writing, cant wait!

Hello there it's the lovely Kat here to write a review for you <3

Your first work wow this is exciting I will try to make this my most quality review so I will be nitpicky but let me just say to begin with...this was really fun to read and I don't usually read novels but if you continue writing this I will certainly stick with it every step of the way you have a very unique writing patter that I think with some refining could be even more beautiful .

"when the Hulzi Nation attacked" but everything changed when the fire nation attacked.....sorry I had to.

A very helpful tip that even I struggle with is slow down, usually first chapters are even longer than this . Take some time to really develop the character and explain what's happening, show more than you tell . At this point, I really don't know too much about Rufus or what is going on . What does he look like specifically? Why are these nations fighting? what time period is this based off of or is it another world ? (I'm just giving you ideas for expanding it). Now, there is a fine line between the right amount of detail and being to excessive . Why were you so specific with the dimensions of the cave but nothing else? Was there a reason for this ?

Rufus stepped in mud.
Rufus struggled to free his foot from the gripping mud as enemy footsteps grew closer, closer.

I mean that's a little exaggerated but you get the idea not that I don’t love what you have it's just if you wanted to expand on it. Never ever ever just keep adding words because you want it to be longer, add ideas .

ane should be an and labor should be labour…..I think .

Try breaking up your passages more so the writing looks and feels more like a novel than just blocks on a page. You did pretty well just for future reference.

So you are doing third person omniscient, make sure you keep that constant I often find that when writing I will keep switching perspectives. When you have him thinking is he saying or thinking it because I think you are supposed to use something other than " " for thoughts typically or you could just re-word it so that the narrator is just simply telling the audience what Rufus is thinking. I really like how you chose to narrate it rather than see it from the characters point of view so you get more of that action adventure feel.

This is a flat out mess of a sentence , a run on sentence. "Once just a poor blacksmith barely making by with his low income constantly wondering if he would be able to afford to pay his bills next month."

You would never say something like that without pauses or breaks so try writing it like :

Rufus, once just a blacksmith trying to make his way in the world.... you need to tell the reader who you are talking about and also this isn’t a complete thought . you're just saying he’s a poor blacksmith you don't really have any substance it's hard to explain but if you re-read that sentence I think you will see what I mean.

You repeated words and phrases a lot and it doesn't appear to be for repetition : fought bravely.....a sentence later....fought bravely.....nation .....three words later....nation. Try to spice things up by varying your word choice . However, literary devices like repetition can do wonders for stories just make sure you use them correctly

There should be a comma after frantically " Frantically, Rufus dropped the...."

(sorry this is all over the place ...)

I would re-write this :"Fleeing into the woods, no one seemed to notice as his silhouette rapidly disappeared into the night." as " Fleeing into the woods, he went unnoticed as his silhouette rapidly disappeared into the night." ( I loved the imagery there )

Where is Rufus's family D: that would be something you could add. It's always fun to play with readers emotions so having your character have emotional ties to a sibling, spouse, friend etc . gives you a lot of room for great tragedy or happiness etc etc or perhaps Rufus is the lonely silent type .

There were a few more little things like what I have mentioned but every writer (especially new ones) has a rough draft and you can't expect pot on perfection from yourself even on your 1 millionth proofread! That's what editors are for. They polish it and really make your inner talent shine through. I would be very happy to be your editor for this. Usually I go through fix any grammar mistakes and make suggestions about sentences like I did above (I didn't mention all of them).

Now on to what I really and truly loved. Your writing style. It's hard to put it into words but it was just very ...precise. Some of your sentences really gave me a feeling of being there and you seem to know what you are writing about, as though you had actually been there. Sentences like that one about him sneaking into the woods or the way he was just matter-of-factly like "oh someone found that body" gives you a lot of potential . As a reader, I am also very interested by the fast pace of this opening and want to know more about the situation. Perhaps an introduction before your first chapter to give the reader some more background would be more helpful. Oh and a map (of topic) also using the word doze instead of sleep and subtle choices like that really show me that you have admirable attention to details that really make or break a story (I know I hounded you about word choice but you really had very nice word choice in some parts!)
. Your last paragraph just seemed more focused than the first ones and , I know from experience, when you write you feel like it all has to get down on the page but I think if you keep writing like you did in the third paragraph and parts of the first you’d be pretty well off. The story itself, though a little vague at the moment, has tremendous potential much like the author behind it and it would be a shame if you did not continue writing it.

Seriously, I'd love to be your editor if you would like. I will certainly look forward to reviewing more of your fabulous work.

AND really I loved this I was just trying to be as helpful as possible for a first time writer...it was extraordinary. Don't hate me >.<

Make it JAZZY keep it SNAZZY!
~Kat <3

P.S. >.< so sorry my review was longer than the story I was reviewing..... I had to proof read my review.