Breath me in

I LastPaladin agree with the others this is sloppy and comes across as largely and mainly contrived and forced, it tries to sound beautiful but the images 'NEED TO MAKE SENSE!!' you can't just fling random nonsensical lines in and expect us to make sense of them without proper grounding. Yes poems can be metaphorical, surreal or vague but not so vague that people are scratching their heads and thinking 'Huh...' give us the cement to stop the house falling. Give us the horse to drive the cart. Don't just expect it stand without the proper foundations.

Secondly it's to repetive and as a song I still think same, as it really doesn't seem have any reason for it, other than it's pretty image. That's hardly a reason to do so.

To end, you have nice imagery now give us the understanding we lack.

Hope this helps.

Hey there!

If I'm honest, the content of this poem is messy. It's readable but that's merely because you've structured it well. Either what you're trying to say is too implicit or too vague, or your word choice is completely wrong. It's confusing. How can you breathe someone in? I can't see an image of bleeding me out! SHOW ME! Though, you don't. You jump around from emotion to emotion instead in an effort to create an effect but because the reader can't familiarise with the poem they feel distant and this emotion is redundant because it isn't carried across to your reader as it should be.

There's also a handy tool at the top right when you post to Check your spelling. It'll be good to use it before you submit things onto YWS because there are points in your poem where there are typo's or you've missed an apostrophe in a word. Such as the "Screm" in the last line I believe should be shout, no?

This is lacking the effect and poetic feel I think it should have, so perhaps these would be better suited to music lyrics which tend to be more of a spill out of emotions such as this. I think poetry is more for the imagery and the clarity of language to shine.

Anyway, hope this helped and keep writing,
Ben

Not too sure what message you are getting through with this, but I do feel the emotion in this piece.
"Then bleed you out"
I wonder if you mean literary as if you cut yourself, or am I not read deep enough into this?
Anyways this was good given what I took from it and I encourge you to keep writing!
-Dawn

Quite honestly (and I really am sorry if this sounds cruel) I didn't feel much for this poem. There is nothing to hang on to--no metaphors, imagery, or really even much emotion. The lack of spelling, capitalization, and punctuation didn't seem to be stylistic, but instead just sloppy. If you fix it up it will be much more readable.

That said, I definetely sense a lyricism and rythmn here. Keep it up.

P.S. If this is song lyrics, you might want to have it moved to the lyrics section of YWS as opposed to lyric poetry.

This was interesting, I think you use the word "out" alot but besides that it was pretty good. There were some spelling mistakes and such, you can use the spell check for that. And you said "nights" when I think you intended to put "night's" but besides that I liked it, please keep going with it I'd like to see where it goes

Other than the spelling, It is a really great start! I can see it becoming an amazing song, actually! Yes, it's very rough now and that is obvious but it is a great start. I love the lines "Breath me in and bleed me out" After you edit the spelling and everything, add more lines, it should turn out nicely! It's different and kind of edgy.

it was interesting. i like how you put enough but not too much emotion into it. tell me when you've finished.

I have to admit with everyone else is saying about your spelling mistakes. I just have to tell you to keep up the good work and maybe double check your writing before you let it out. I loved everything about this song. If you're saying its a song, then you might want to put a chorus. Anyways, I loved it!

Hey AA. I'm RepublicOfCoter but you may call me ROC.

I liked the the rhyming of this song but it really lost its feel with all the spelling errors-you really need to check your work before you submit it (don't be afraid to use the Check Spelling button on the post page, it's there to help). I felt that some lines were unnecessarily long which can be helped by starting a new line. By the way, there is a section to post/submit lyrics for songs.

Just correct the spelling and this could be a good song.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Welcome! ^.^
i like how you started your poem, but the rhyming of it was annoying, too childish maybe?
i never like anything that repeats either ><
but that's just me.
hope to read more from you tho

First off welcome to YWS, and thanks for your imput on my poem. As other people said, a lot of spelling mistakes. If you wanted to help this a lot, punctuation and capitilazation is the key. But it's not nessasary since poetry can break the punctuation rules. I really hope this helped at least a little. O! Thanks for the "shout out" in the first stanza.

I'm reviewing

First of all, many spelling mistakes, you might want to read it over before posting it (that will give people less obvious things to tell you about and more helpful comments)

I really like the symbolism in the idea

"to nights the night to let it out" do you mean tonight, as in one word, because that way it makes sense but otherwise it doesn't

"and it will be alright" I feel like that last part may not flow as well, perhaps it'll be alright, will sound better.

I really like it and I think there is definetly room to add more. Keep it up!


Review mine?

Hi there, Ashley, June here,

I believe that in the title and first line of this poem, the word you want to use is breathe, as in the act of breathing in and out, rather than breath. Throughout this poem, I found that there were a few errors in contractions, meaning in most places you neglected apostrophes, dear, like "theres" should be "there's", the contraction for there is, and cant should be can't, for cannot.


As the person above me pointed out, we do have a separate forum for lyrics on here, where you can post songs and such. This forum is for lyrical poetry-- you know, all those melodious poems and stuff. I'm not very good at bringing criticism to songs, because there is so much missing when you just read the lyrics; I can't tell what melody you intend for it, nor can I tell the tone or any of those details. So! In my opinion, I think it has potential, but I also think that you need to complete it so that our opinions of it are complete as well.

Keep it up,
June

Just saying that if its a song, they're is a section for it, its lyrics at the bottom of the forum index.

Welcome to YWS! This is rather good, yet there are ALOT of spelling mistakes, theres a spell checker in the top corner of the writing box, so just make sure it's all correct before you publish it