Published July 23, 2011
What a shame to die a virgin!
What a waste
for your body to diminish before your mind
for the joy, the
tingling
sensations
for the good things
to be forbidden
to be distant
to be fantasy.
For life is short, a hundred
ninety
eighty
seventy
sixty years
at most
and so many moments
slip
away
like childhood years
if you knew then what you know now.
An ice cream
a kiss
a break from reality
?
And will it matter
will it affect your children
or theirs
or theirs
in a hundred years
will it impose on your short longevity?
What a shame to die a virgin …
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,624 Literary Works • 673,566 Reviews
Hey guys! Thanks for all the reviews. Just to let you know, I actually have a well established YWS account. I just made a new one to post this poem because I wanted it to be anonymous.
One nitpick: I would omit the ellipses at the end of the last line in exchange for a period. I get that you want to contrast it with the first line, which has a bold exclamation point, but I think the ellipses gives the poem an unfinished feel.
That was a really striking stanza. For obvious reasons, this poem reminds me of The Virgin Suicides; not necessarily the sad fate of the girls but how tit affected the community; the tone was really similar. I like that you captured the images of suburbia without explicitly stating them. I love the repetition in stanza one and the diminishing of age in the second stanza; and besides the ellipses I don't have any other critiques. Solid poem.
Also, welcome to of course and I hope you find a good community of dedicated poets, novelists, and editors who love helping other people through their struggles.
If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
PS I hate to give you contrary advice, but I respectfully disagree with every edit that the person above wrote. (Please don't omit the second and theirs.) (Please don't move your question mark.) (Please don't make a hundred its own line.)
Hey dude
I love the way that this actually tells the reader about 'dying a virgin', rather than simply describing it and describing what they're going through...
I guess that I'm saying that this poem is different from some of the 'usual' poems around here and I like that.
Usually, poems are shadowy in my mind and are hard to understand. Focusing on senses, rather than other things...
If you understand what I'm trying to say here
This is telling the reader, rather than leaving them to make up their own minds.
And although this is more of a narrative (in my eyes), there is still a lot of other unanswered questions.
Such as, "Why is she dying a virgin exactly?"
See? Unanswered questions are good.
I don't like the question mark at the bottom here. It'd look more neat and proffesional if you were to put that right...
<- HERE!
Are there suppossed to be two 'theirs' here? (always proof-read, dude!
I think that this is my favourite part. However, it'd look like a cooler bean if "a hundred" was on a separate line, in my opinion.