Published April 14, 2007
there is a darkness deep within me
it comes alive at night
it hides though out the daytime
and waits to give a fright
i don't know why it comes for me
i don't know what it wants
I'm not sure what its hiding
or what it wants to haunt...
one day it said i love you
my sweet lady friend
to that i said I'm sorry
i have no heart to lend...
its strange because i can hear it
i hear the screams it cries
i can feel what its feeling
its hurt from all the lies
i wish that i could save it
from all the hurt and pain
i wish that i could set it free
from all the metal chains
there's a darkness deep within me
i wish it wasn't true
there's a darkness deep within me
and...my darkness..it is you
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i think you meant
"it hides through out the day"
and perhaps you could change "my sweet lady friend" to "my fair lady" i know its much shorter but its your choice.
i really liked it a lot! keep writin!
This was very good, I loved the last two lines...it ends the poem well.
I didn't quite get this:
I'm not sure that it fitted the piece...
Good work,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx
The idea was interesting, and the rhyming actually worked. A little cliche, but it got saved by something, I'm not sure what. It could be slightly better though, maybe if you wrote more about feelings rather than listing what is happening. Combine the two. Because the best way to make someone love poem is to make them feel something while reading.
Also, be sure to capitalize the pronoun "I", run spell check(crys=cries), and punctuate. (This might help: Poetry & Punctuation.)
This line didn't make much sense:
keep it up!