Published August 29, 2008
it's hard right?
It's hard to lose some one
but it's harder to see them cheat
the pain deepens
the scars remain
just put a gun on your head and pull the trigger!
do it! do it!
it's less painful i promise
but nothings free from pain
you'll feel the pain of the bullet that struck your brain
but it will only last for a second........
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I think insted talk about them emotions you go through when having someone cheat on you. Show us it makes you feel. I beleive that good poems gives us emotions and picture to show how something effect something. So, I think it's best for you to rewrite the poem using what I stated.
WELCOME TO YWS! weeeeeeeeeeee
Heya gorgeous! Erm, 'lil ground rule. In future you have to review 2 pieces of another member's work, before you can submit 1 of your own. 2:1 ratio
Let's do this thang!...
The metre in these first two lines was very good. It was strong and definite, all the things I like in an opening couplet. However, it does not continue - this is a problem. The structure and rhythm of your poem goes completely to pot after the opening lines. You had a beat of 6/8 not perfect, but run with it. Make the rest of your piece match. Use bizarre beat matches when you want to introduce tension.
I found a cliché, come on love. There are many ways of saying this. Personify it! Use an metaphor - I don't know
Ok. Same thing as above. We here at YWS have read lines like this, no end.
Nice use of direct address and repetition. I think it breaks to mood of the piece well, and signals the atmospheric shift within the end of the poem.
Very weak, darling. You have such a powerful subject to play with, so why not let rip? You aren't going to be in danger of overs-shadowing a piece like this with devices. It is such a strong subject matter, that you can play with some interesting techniques.
To summarize. I did think it was a good poem, but it could easily be marvellous with some choice modifications.
About poem length : I am a fan of short poetry but it is not always appropriate to use it. This poem needs to be longer. We need a narrative - to be taken on a journey!
Love
Kris
x
hiiiiii......
welcome to YWS.....
1).There's a rule over here that before you post any of your own work,you should write at least 2 reviews....but i can understand that you being a newbie didn't know about it....
2)the poem was good but i feel you could have elaborated much more.....
eg....when you wrote "just put a gun on your head and pull the trigger!!".....it seemed to be a very abrupt remark......you could have written more about the pain n cheating part n described a lot more n then given the end..(like you gave ......shooting oneself)
3)1 good point about the poem was that you succeeded in getting the reader involved......
a nice start....n hope to see you write much better from the next time.....
good luck