Published December 5, 2008
I was awaken this morning,
by the sound of blue jays chirping
and squirrels dancing in the trees.
I slowly maneuvered myself out of bed
and thought, damn, I'm still alive.
Life is so hard,
when you feel all alone,
and when you can't sleep at night,
walking the desolate streets,
trying to find peace of mind.
I'm searching for something in this world or in the heavens above,
that will ignite a passion deep inside of my soul
and make me believe in something.
I haven't found what I'm looking for
and that troubles me deeply.
Late at night,
when I'm all alone
and no one is home to bother me.
I sit at the edge of my bed,
reminisce about the pain of my past,
and what I've been through as a child.
I'm slipping away in the darkness
and the demons are surfacing
through the skeletons in my closet.
I need someone to invest in me.
Someone to love me and hold me close,
like a beautiful infant boy
longing for the caresses of his mothers touch.
I want to be submerged in the true milk of intimacy
and lay in the security of love and trust.
Until the way is shown to me,
and the path made clear
I will be forever internally bleeding.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hello!
I think this is a great poem, well more than great, fantastic! I felt every emotion that you wanted me to feel and I really hope that you just wrote this to write it, because I couldn't imagine being this sad, if not, then I hope all is well. Your stanzas and words were properly executed, though I feel that this is bordering on Dramatic poetry for some reason. All in all, loved it and I hope you don't mind if I click on the gold star.
Favorite part:
Cheers!
~Angie
I'm back!
Let us start. It is one of your better poems. You have a few parts which I find very cliche and that is NOT what you want in a poem. Poems must be anti-cliche. lol
Also:
This is funny. No offense. It can work. I just feel you just put it in the wrong place, if you know what I mean.
These are 3 funky stanzas. It's broken up beautifully. Each building up and that's what makes it so good. The I'm bleeding internally kinda fits there. Good points on that.
Now the bleeding internally works!! All the internally bleeding's can be taken out from above. This is a strong finish and that is good. I like it. You really put your game back in.
Hope this helps a bit.
This first paragraph sounds forced. The first section is the most crucial to make the reader want to keep reading. Also, 'awaken' doesn't sound right in the context you have used it ini.
Is your bed a maze? Why not say 'I slowly rose from my bed, cursing my liveliness'
For some odd reason this doesn't sound correct...
This sounds like you mean someone to help you in a time of financial need. Also, 'longing for the caresses of his mother' would be better wrote as 'longing for a mothers touch'
Summary;
This was a good attempt at lyrical poetry, the odd thing was; not al of it was lyrical.
Trying slipping some descriptions in there, and also try to get into the characters head- know what bugs her, know what she despises.
Oh! Really good improvements! The first two stanzas are now my favorites.
*clicks gold star button*
Hello! I liked the message your poem was trying to portray. The pain we all feel inside but hate to acknowledge. However, I thought that the flow of it was more like a story rather than a poem.
Life is so hard,
when you feel all alone
and when you can't sleep at night;
walking the desolate streets trying to find peace of mind.
I think you should break apart that last line, so that it reads:
Life is so hard,
When you feel all alone,
And when you can't sleep at night,
Walking the desolate streets,
Trying to find peace of mind.
It works better with the length of the other lines in the stanza, and since you don't have a fixed number of lines for each stanza, four lines would be acceptable.
Other than that, it's a very nice poem.
Hi, I'm reviewing your poem
First off, I do want to say that I think this poem is really good, it just needs a couple of reviews; so bear with all my nit-picks! Okay, here we go.
The first line is a bit awkward. Maybe you could go with something like "I awoke this morning/to the sound..." and ditch the comma. Also, blue jays and squirrels shouldn't be capitalized, and you don't need the apostrophe.
Ditch the 'in my mind'. If you're thinking, of course it's in your mind! Where else will it be? And you don't need the quotations either, but there should be a comma after 'damn'.
Ditch the second 'when'. It's repetitive. Otherwise, I like this stanza.
I like this one too. No suggestions
Ditch the period.The last line is a bit redundant-I assume what you've been as a child IS apart of the pain in your past? Also, just saying that ('I had pain in my past, I've been through things') is vague. Show us what these things are and how they still affect you.
Good images, but read it again: 'demons are surfacing through the skeletons in my closet'? What does that mean?
I'm internally bleeding.
Aren't we all?
Ditch the semicolon. 'Until the way is shown to me, and the path is made clear' is not a complete thought: until what? So the semi colon needs to be a comma, or nothing at all.
Overall:
This was good, Xavier. I thought you did tremendously well with getting your ideas across and really communicating. All my suggestions are above! (hope they help)
PM me for anything.