Let me just say that this isn't completely edited yet, but I want some feedback.
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Yu Yee 1761 China
I was running down the street away from the tea house I was just in, a few of the angry patrons following. I couldn't’t help it, I loved to cause a fight with other men. And, oh, how they hated me to. I was normally very quiet and hated conflict, but once I got drunk that all changed. I rounded the corner and fell over the steps of yet another tea house. But unlike the others around it, it was nearly empty. The owner smiled down at me, and then helped me to my feet; the people running past didn't’t seem to even see the tea house.
Once inside I could tell that everyone looked like a geisha. Pure white skin and very beautiful faces.
“Yu Yee, have you been drinking again? It really puts a halt on things, you know?” asked the black haired beauty closest to me.
I still don’t know how he knew my name, but then again I don’t remember that much about my life before. Someone chuckled slightly then a young girl entered the room; she was wearing the normal geisha dress, her hair done very carefully. She, I realized, was their geisha. She came over to me, offering me a place to sit. I took this with open arms. It was odd that she didn't’t have on make-up like everyone else in the room did, but I being drunk didn't’t think on the subject too much. She sat me down next to twins. They looked at me with topaz eyes and smiled. My heart stopped beating of a moment or so, and then a person spoke again.
“Yu Yee, please enjoy yourself, tonight is very important for you, isn't’t it?”
I didn't’t know how to answer right away, but my voice did escape my lips.
“How do you know me?”
“I told you he wouldn’t understand Charles. You should let us take care of it,” said one of the twins. I looked at her, they both smiled sweetly. The man named Charles sighed and shrugged. Both girls took a hold of my hands, and squeezed it gently before they began to speak as one.
“Yu Yee, you have been watched for months now, and you know that. We have been keeping you in the city all the while, from the beginning of your life here. We are Dela and Daya, and that is Charles the Stained. Should you wish to live through the night leave now, and maybe we’ll let you go.”
I got to my feet and walked to the door, but before I could open it Charles was in my way. As he came towards me I backed away, and into the twin girls behind me. They knocked me to the ground and held me there as Charles sat down on top of me. He took my hands and looked into my eyes. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and when they returned they were black. He smelled me quickly then forced my head to the side as he bit my neck. My neck burned with invisible fire as he drank, he released my hands, I tried to fight him off, to kick, to scratch him, but it didn’t do anything. The twins took my hands and kissed them, whispering words in my ears. I blacked out as the blood from my body stained the white faces around me.
When I awoke I was in a dark room, left completely alone. Someone was saying that I had left the city in the night. I growled, I didn’t leave the city, I was attacked. As I paced the room the sweet smell of blood filled the room and it was coming closer. The small girl from the night before entered the room. She had a look of death on her face, like she knew she was going to die. She came over to me and knelt down, pulling the hair away from her neck. I shook as I tried to control myself; I lifted her head and looked into her eyes. I fought the urge to pick her up and bring her tender neck to my lips, but I was soon over come with the hunger and longing for human blood that I forced her upon the bed. She didn’t fight against me, just let it happen. I brought my lips to her neck, she whimpered as I licked it gently. I couldn’t fight it anymore, I bit her.
Her blood ran down my mouth and over my chin. I couldn’t stop, I needed this more than I needed to breathe, I needed to have the human blood. I kept drinking even though I wanted to stop, I didn’t want to kill her, but the more I drank, the longer I held my mouth to her neck the weaker she became. Soon her body was as cold as mine; the life had left her, at my hands. I looked down at the lifeless body of the young beauty and fell to my knees. I didn’t want to kill; I didn’t want to be a murderer, but my god the taste of blood. It was like a fine a wine that you just couldn’t resist. As I stared at her body the blood on my hands began to sicken me. I wanted it gone. I wiped at my face, the blood smearing across my jacket. I ripped off my clothing and began to wipe at my body, scrubbing everything I could. When I was finally satisfied that I was clean I wept for the girl I had killed. Then I slowly became angry at the ones who had made me this way.
God how I hated the ones who made me. I wanted to see their lifeless bodies lying in the sun, to see their broken bodies. And what was worst was that I wanted to thank them for the gift they had given me. I could see things that I didn’t before, everything was clearer. I could hear things I shouldn’t have been able to. I could hear the footsteps of someone coming to the room, the lack of heartbeat. The door opened in on me. I looked over my shoulder at man. It was Charles the Stained. The one who had bitten me. He came closer to me and knelt beside me, he looked at my clothes and then at the girls body. He placed a hand on my shoulder and sighed.
“I can see that this is hurting you. But it is the way things had to be,” he spoke quietly. I lunged at him, tackling him to the ground. He was taken by surprise and cursed under his breath.
“You don’t know anything about me.” I growled at him. I slapped him and punched him. Tears rolling down my face silently. I couldn’t believe this man; he thought he knew my pain. That stupid bastard he doesn’t know anything about me. He doesn’t know the pain I went through, all the pain that I caused myself.
He just let me hit him until I couldn’t any longer, then he just held me as I cried. It was noon by the time I had stopped.
“Come on Yu, you need to get dress before I’m missed and the girls come looking. I’ll help you,” he said reaching for my blood stained clothing. I whimpered and moved away from him. I didn’t want to put those back on again.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’d rather be naked than be like you.”
Charles looked at me carefully as if deciding whether or not to laugh. It made me wish I was dead, but then, I realized that I was. He took me by the hand and led me out of the room. The twin girls from the night before hid their eyes as we passed them. I was led into another room, this one was filled with dresses and clothing.
“Take your pick, Yu. It’s only right, you know?” he handed me a key and said quietly, “The chest in the back of the room has some of the finer silks and cotton if you’d like something better than this.”
He turned and left me alone in the room. As I looked around I could see some of the best clothing in the city. I picked up a pair of red satin pants and pulled them on. They felt like second skin. I continued my search as I found black flats, socks, belt and a white silk shirt. I looked at the chest in the back of the room and decided to have a look inside. It wouldn’t hurt too see what they had to offer.
Inside the chest were jackets, shirts, and dresses. I pulled off the white shirt only to replace it with a red one with black writing extending up the sleeves. As I continued to look I found a thick black jacket that hung to my knees. Someone knocked on the door.
I opened it slowly, it was Dela smiling sweetly.
“Charles sent for you. Are you ready?”
“I believe that I am. But I want to know something first.”
“Yes, Charles did change my sister and me. But he did so because he had no other choice. We would have died otherwise.”
I stared at her in wonder. She reached up and closed my jaw with a small musical laugh.
“Come on,” she took my hand and led me down the hallway towards the murmurs of people. It felt like I was being showed off. When we entered the room everything got quiet. The only people in the room where Charles, Dela’s twin, Daya and one other vampire that I didn’t know. He looked at me thoughtfully, he wasn’t as beautiful as the others, but he was very striking. At some point someone must have spoken to him, because he stood up and walked over to me.
“He is just like I thought he would be. Although, I wonder, what gift does he posses?”
“We have no idea. There is no evidence to suggest that he should even have one,” answered Charles. Then it hit me, Charles had told him about me, even though no words were exchanged.
“You told him in his head, Charles. And you,” I pointed to the twins, “are only strong when you are together. And you,” I was looking at the new vampire, “can look into people’s souls.”
I amazed myself as I spoke, I don’t know where I learned what I did, but I learned that it was a gift. I could tell a persons gift. I knew what they could do. I must have amazed the others as well for they looked at each other with calm eyes that explained everything.
I was meant to be this way; it was only a matter of time before I became one of them. If it wasn’t them it would have been another who wouldn’t have cared about me after. It was better that I was to become a vampire with this Coven, than some other Coven that would have let me run free.
I lived the next hundred years traveling with them. Charles the Stained, Dela and Daya Marks, and Vishard Wolfe. We collected a few others, only one who stayed with us. Keir O’Conner.
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You don't need 'I was just in'. It's obvious he had been in there.
Most people don't like fights. This line is rather redundant.
This is pretty unlikely, after all, they are looking for him. Why wouldn't they spot him on the steps of a teahouse?
"I could tell" doesn't really fit. Of course he could tell, he's got eyes, hasn't he? I would recommend you replace it with "I saw".
While it is technically a question, it acts more like a statement or an accusation. So I would replace 'asked' with 'reprimanded' or 'stated'.
I was under the impression he was a girl ><; Geishas are women, and because you didn't state otherwise, I assumed the speaker was a woman.
The first part, "Someone chuckled slightly then a young girl entered the room" seems a bit rushed and forced. I would cut it into two sentences. Also, how do you chuckle slightly? You do or you don't.
Someone chuckled softly and I looked up. A young girl entered the room....
Also, what is the 'normal' geisha dress? Not everyone knows, and therefore this description isn't effective on a wide audience. Describe it.
I'm not a fan of this line. It's an overused, everyday saying. I would actually prefer if you simply said
"I accepted gratefully."
Now, I'm no expert on Japanese tradition, but I thought Geisha always wore makeup in company. Am I wrong?
Okay, but how was he feeling? You have the action, but not the motivation, past the dialogue. Flesh out your character. How does he feel? Why does he react the way he does? You say he's drunk but I don't get that feeling from him. Explain more.
What did Yu think of this? The whole paragraph is merely stating the actions. These scenes are perfect opportunities to give us insight into your character. Was he horrified, confused? Angry? Scared? How did the alcohol affect his reaction?
Why the hell would any human sacrifice themselves so willingly? I don't get it
Okay, we know she's human, so you don't have to clarify it's human blood.
Okay, have you even drank wine? You don't scull it, and you Really don't scull it if it's fine wine. You sip, and savor. Partly because you want to taste the subtle flavours, and partly because wine has a pretty high percentage of alcohol and if you don't want to be raving drunk you take it easy.
I would suggest finding another way of putting it.
Blood dries fairly quickly, and you can't wipe off large quantities very easily without water
So what is the difference between biting and killing and biting and turning your victim? What is done differently?
If I were surprised and swearing, I wouldn't do it under my breath. I would be more like "Oh #@%#!"
A whispered swearword isn't really surprised.
Calm eyes don't sound too amazed.
Overall, you have an interesting concept. I get the feeling this is all set up for the main story? Make sure it doesn't stay this way for too much longer. While setting up background information is fine, you need to get the story rolling before your reader loses interest.
One thing I think you need to work on is making your character's emotions and thoughts more evident. I don't really know Yu as a person, and you have missed mulitple opportunities to give real insight on his character. Make sure you have your motivations clear, as they are what drives your character and makes them more believable.
-How did he feel about the room full of strangers? I would be wary. And when they knew my name, I would be a lot confused.
-What were his first impressions of the Vampires?
-How did these change after he was turned?
-Explain the guilt and shame and disgust that he felt after killing the girl in more detail.
-What was it that made him decide to stay with the Vampires?
-Did he feel welcome?
-Why didn't he question why he was chosen, and why they knew him?
You description is lacking in places, and fine in others. Watch that. Describe important characters, but leave out unnecessary information. It's not important that he changed his mind on what to wear, is it? So don't over describe the small, unimportant parts.
But I do think you should continue with this, it has the potential to lead somewhere interesting. At this point I'm unsure what the plot is going to be.
If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM. I'll be glad to help.
-Nutty