Young Writers Society

Amen

A good topic, but I think you should explore some of the ideas a bit further and watch out for your reasoning.

Now to preface these critiques I'll say I totally agree with your overall statement and think that the impact paragraph is really nice. I do have some issue with some of the reasoning you use in this piece though, there's a few contradictions that need to be taken care of.


Let's take a closer look:

You say (paraphrasing) We shouldn't judge people by their skin color. Then a couple sentences later you give your reasoning. We shouldn't judge people by their skin color because we have the same blood color.... huh? Do you see the problem? Why would having the same blood color be a valid form of reasoning but skin color not be? We shouldn't judge people by the color of any of their bodily parts, because we're human.

You also say that we shouldn't judge people for having different cultures. And then you say a bit later that we all "come from the same place" well... that's not quite correct. People come from very different places in fact! And to not acknowledge that people have cultural differences is almost as bad as judging for their culture to begin with.

Another issue of inconsistency is at one point you say we're all the same anatomically -- which I'm not sure what "we" means in that instance, I mean men and women and children and adults have different bodies as well as people who are born with extra toes etc. Different people can have very different bodies, that doesn't make them lesser-humans of course! And then later you say that we are all different physically. So, there's a contradiction there. Are we all different, or are we all the same? The problem is, neither of those answers is sufficient -- but the essay should get at what the important similarities are - like shared humanity and dignity and ability.

There were a few other instance of this in the piece, so watch out for saying something and then later saying the opposite, because it doesn't come across as authoritative or convincing when that happens.

Also I would say to watch the blanket statements or vast generalizations if they aren't true. For instance at one point you say no one is treated like a slave anymore... well unfortunately that's just not true. Here's an article you can read for more information about that: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wor ... d2f3c16aae Slavery might look a little different, but people are still bought and sold and forced to participate in unwanted labor, even sometimes in the United States.

Nicely done, ending on a Bible verse. Mark 12:31 and Genesis 1:27 are also great on this subject.

Now I think you've picked a super important topic! And I'd love to see you develop the themes you have here. Good luck!


alliyah

Ah, very nice. I'll say right away that my expectations were woefully low, mostly because of the topic. You know the drill, nowadays most essays about such things lack objectivity completely and mostly try to force a putrid agenda of some sorts. You didn't though! Very good!

There are a few qualms I have with it though, regarding the accuracy of the information. The greatest problem may be with the origin of racism. I think one might argue that racism could be seen as early as, well, antiquity. This is, however, not quite certainly the case. There are examples of so-called "proto-racism" everywhere from North Africa to Scandinavia in classical antiquity/early medieval period, but we cannot for sure know whether or not these were so much questions of skin color as much as they were questions of differing cultural habits and traditions.

However, and this is an important however, racism has existed long before the 18th century. The problem is that racism in the modern period is not the same as its earlier forms. It is, at its core, the same thing, only with "race" differently defined. A person's ethnicity was, back then, defined mainly by their culture, rather than their descent. Perhaps that is why Muslims and Christians did not (and do not) get along, rather than white and middle-eastern people. That is why the Romans shunned the Gaelic and Germanic tribes, referring to them as 'Barbarians.' Not because of their skin color or physical features, but because of their language and culture.

While it may not be seen as racism today, as we have invented other expressions, at its core, the concept is very similar. So I think it's safe to say that racism as a whole has existed for almost as long as human civilization itself, even among people of the same race, but differing cultures! Just depends on how you define racism. If it must strictly involve ethnicity, as in physical features, then the whole matter changes significantly. So I'd pay less attention to this part of my review.

I also believe you do not give enough attention to the potential cause of racism. I know very little about the human mind, so I dare not say if racism is partly instinctual or completely societal. I have no clue, really. But it would be a nice touch!

Other than that, it seems rather unbiased, and I commend you for that. Although it'd be nice to add reasons for why racism is detrimental to society, and possibly reasons as to why Europeans dislike 'the refugees' with such passion. I'm from a Central European country myself, one where we do not take in refugees if they are unwilling to contribute to our nation, so it'd interest me as well.

One last note would be on the correlation between, say, intellect and race. Well, from what I can find, there is certainly no scientific evidence supporting a correlation between race and intellect directly. There is, however, a distinct correlation between intellect and culture (where you were raised). IQ in third-world nations is distinctly lower than in the developed world. This, however, is less about race and more about national development. So it's just a fun bit of information from me.

The Bible quote is also nice. I appreciate it as a Christian!

Overall, I'm happy to see that you relied a lot less on feelings, and more on facts, and that you did not lean toward either political view. That is crucial in writing essays. An essay must, of course, contain personal opinions, but it should still be neutral in a political sense.

Keep it up!

I want to add quickly that I would've liked to add more feeling to this essay, I feel very strongly on this subject and I am very passionate about ending all racism, but I get into trouble if I express too much feeling V.S facts in my English papers, unless I have specific permission to write that way.