Just like the night is lacking sun
The day is stripped of starry skies.
Forgotten breath, remorse there’s none
A lost sensation, a game of lies.
* * *
The story told a time again
And darker light is shining through.
The loss, the torture - foe and friend.
Uncharted body wet with dew.
* * *
All bleeding thoughts are seeping out.
The numbness leaves - the body stays.
The silence fills the field and shouts.
Awoken son begins the chase.
* * *
The pointless hunt of chasing tails
It lasts for days till one gives in.
Till one is found and the other fails.
The time is poison in one’s skin.
* * *
The story’s back where it began.
The end is wrapped around the start.
Defeated body cried and ran
With hanging rope around the heart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
AWESOME!!! I loved how you made the rhyme scheme, and how it started off happy and light, then turned to darkness and fear. Good vocabulary and use of stanzas as well. I loved the line "The time is poison in one's skin." It is deep, has a lot of meanings, and reminds me of how older people (near 80's or so) might think of it that way, not wanting to age more. The last line certainly is eye-catching, and this poem is very cool.
Loved this writing! Keep on doing it!
If you'd like, you can check out some of my work. Anyways, congrats! Another satisfied poet reading a different poet's work.
No negatives here. Nothing wrong with this.
Hello! Elysium here with a review.
So really this isn't bad. Other than the poem's worst enemy, the flaws.
Firstly, you have a strong start, but when we get to the second line in this, I felt that it didn't connect. At least to me it sounded weird when I read it out loud.
Same here, it doesn't make very much sense.
Here, it sounds unfinished. It doesn't connect very well. To me, it may not. Also, shouldn't it be dew instead of due?
Now I think it's starting to connect. Except you broke the rhyme scheme.
I guess you get it now, so I will end it here. The lines don't connect with each other. It's basically like saying, "The door is blue. I stub my toe." It doesn't make much sense.
Other than this, not too shabby. I did like this, yet it does need a bit of work. I do want to see more poems from you. Don't give up and always write!
-Elysium
Thank you for the feedback!
You are most welcome!
Hello! My name is Corralynn, I will be your editor today! I'll start with the bad and then get to the good
"The story told (a) time again
(And) a darker light is shining through.
The loss, the torture, (a) foe and (a) friend.
Uncharted bod(ies) wet with (dew)."
I changed this stanza a little. I thought these little additions made the stanza flow better and also I assume you meant "dew" as in "trees wet with morning dew" over "I had a paper due last monday", please correct me if I'm wrong.
"(The) awkoen (awoken) son begins the chase" misspelled word.
"Till one is found and (the) other fails" A few other little add ins.
The Good: I really enjoyed this! You have a way with poetry and this story really rang through my mind well and I could picture the whole thing in my mind. Kind of like a story book opening and seeing the words turning into pictures until the book closes again. I also loved the idea of the story changing over time from good to bad, kind of like how a stories interpretation changes. LOVE IT!
I just had those few little edits. I found that the poem felt a little choppy in sections and by adding a few "a"s and "and"s it really helped it flow better!
I look forward to reading more from you! Keep writing!
Corralynn!
Thank you! I will definitely look over the things you have mentioned